I was listening to Mix.fm yesterday — they were talking about some people who had this uncanny habit of being unsure if they’ve locked their cars. It was that kind of discussion where they allowed users to call-in to share their shitass opinions & ideas about it.

Cool - I thought. I face the same problem myself too. I occasionally would feel unsure whether I’ve switched off my car lights all the time … and have to walk back to check each time. Maybe there’s something to learn from this radio programme.

The discussion then ramified further to other variance of symptoms — whether the house’s door is locked … or whether they zipped their fly (I made this up).. etc. It was then, a housewife called in to suggest a possible solution. She suggested to shout out “FUCK” each time one locks a door or anything. Kidding. She actually suggested to shout “LOCKED”. According to her, the shouting would help one remember better .. as the loud exclamation would surely burn a deeper impression in their memory.

Well, not bad for a housewife - she actually developed her own idea of remembering things and .. she get to shout at the same time (we all know they like to shout a lot). Her shouting solution then gave me an insight to come out with another better idea. A more efficient way of telling if you’ve really locked your anything. Here it is :

Ok, all you need to do, is to adopt the habit of giving yourself a bite on your hand …each time you lock your car or door. A bite that’s hard enough to leave dental impression on your skin. When you develop any feeling of unsure, just look at your hand if there’s a bite mark .. if yes, that would meant you’ve locked your ….car/door. Easy and effective. The bite mark would automatically disappear over time … and you get to repeat the whole thing as & when necessary.

If you don’t like biting yourself to remember stuffs, well, you can bite your pet dog as an alternate choice. But the downside is .. you’ll need to bring your dog along everywhere you go .. to be able to check on the bitemarks. I wouldn’t recommend that though … because it’s quite inconvenient to bring your pet everywhere you go. Besides, your pet dog might bite back and leave an even DEEPER impression on your skin instead.

Oh well … good luck trying.

*long entry … don’t bitch
When I was in my primary, I noticed that a lot of my friends were afraid to go to the school dentist. Why ? I don’t know. I have no problem with dentists .. except for the rubber glove’s bad taste. They seriously could have made one with peppermint flavor or something like that. Or at least make them not to taste so fucking much like a rubber. I wonder if condom tasted the same - got to ask some girls.

Anyway, back to the topic - school dentist. It was a dreadful experience for my immature prepubescent classmates. Some would cry hysterically whenever their names were called for a checkup … some would attempt to flee the classroom .. and some would even shit in their own pants. But not me. I always owned a good set of teeth so, visiting the school dentist was kinda alright for me.

But all these changed when we advanced to our secondary years. The change was both drastic and eminent. Instead of shitting their pants, most of them now VOLUNTEERED for their dental checkup. I was clueless needless to say - as I was very seldom being called into the dental clinic (nothing much to follow up for my case). Maybe the clinic had adopted something different that made the students really want to care for everything inside their mouth. What the fuck - I thought … good for them.

I remained clueless until several months through my Form 1 years - until one day, I was finally called for my routine dental check up. I stumbled my way into the school clinic - until I came face to face with the truth behind all those fear migration amongst the students. It was the dentist. A chick. Well, not exactly a chick but, some female species with large bosom, and an hourglass figure. From what I can remember, she’s probably in her early or mid 30’s — but for that standard in an all-boys school … she’s as hot as an 18 year old. So, she was rightfully conferred as a chick-dentist.

I was petrified standing at the clinic’s entrance … looking at the new school dentist. All of a sudden, everything started to make sense to me - why chickens crosses the road .. why the Earth is round … why the students so vehemently wanted to go for a dental checkup. It’s like being flushed on the head inside a toilet bowl — kinda like an inrush current of epiphany into my cerebrum.

The chick-dentist then flagged me onto the once fearful chair - which now looked like an euphoric throne deco-ed with lavenders. I hopped on it without further procrastination. She asked me to open my mouth - which I did. Once I did that, the silhouette of her Farrah Faucett hair outline began to eclipse the dentist spotlight above the chair. At the same time, I also felt something cushioning against the top of my head. Something very soft - like a silk bag stuffed with nylon wools. It didn’t took me long to realize that the ‘cushion’ was actually her boobs !

It made me totally forgotten about the distasteful rubber glove inside my mouth. All my energies were supplied to the 1/3 square ft area of receptors on my head … elevating the sensitivity 4 times of it’s normal operational condition. I was completely focused on the information that the receptors were working hard to send to my brain …. and lost all concentration on my surroundings.

My subconscious mind kept instructing my balls to keep producing hormones … more and more …until they almost overflowed out of my nostrils .. (which luckily it didn’t). I would have yelled “Woooo hooo!!” if my mouth wasn’t filled with a pair of distasteful rubber gloves working on my chomp gadgets. Being ravaged by a dentist never felt so great.

I then lost track of time until she uttered - “You’re ok. You may go now”. Debauchery short-lived - but it was great anyway. I finally understood why my fellow classmates weren’t afraid of the school dentist no more. It’s because their hormones were being instigated to boil at room temperature !

Needless to say, this was a genius move by the school authority to hire a hoochie dentist. Because of that, not only the students managed to improve their dental hygiene, but also to overcome the fear/phobia of visiting a dentist. It changed their lives forever. Say no to cavity. Fuck sweets and chocolates.

I goddamn hate popup ads. Why would anyone want to create popup ads to annoy the fuck out of us ? I don’t understand. Everyone knew no one likes popup ads - and yet there would always be idiots developing more and more of them everyday.

Recently, my computer has been infected with something that’s worst than a virus. Some script or whatever that installed itself into my browser. Each time I click a URL or refresh a page, there will be a fucking ad pops itself up. Fuck.

If any of you happened to be one of the people who helped or indirectly helped to produce popup ads, let me remind you something here. It’s wrong. Just like how your parents conceived your imbecile character. Your existence’s already a mistake, why making it worst ? Why not do something more useful like a community service (giving blowjobs to orphans) ? Or maybe volunteer yourself to animal shelters (giving blowjobs to animals) ?

Get yourself a life.

I’m sure everyone have heard about the election. Recount and recount … they get different results everytime. Just, what does that mean ? It means that the current method of voting isn’t effective. Period.

Since we’re already in the computer age, I wondered why SPR didn’t consider changing the voting system into a fully computerized way. It’s simple .. really. Here’s an example how :

The citizens can use the much boasted Mykad or the barcode behind old IC to gain access to the voting compound. The guard (or bouncer) shall then guide the voter into respective booth to vote.

There will be no more traditional “X” marking on a ballot. Instead, they get a computer slip form and get to shade a box under their favourite party with a marker — and slot the damn slip into a machine. Just like how the Toto counter did … u know. Everything will be counted electronically. (if you don’t know what’s a Toto … go put your head into the nearest toilet bowl .. and flush)

The user will have to wait for a confirmation from the machine before leaving the booth. If reject, machine will spit out the slip (for re-shade) coupled with a few preset vulgar scolding from a built-in speaker -
eg:

- “Shade properly you moron !” for a university student (computer knew it from his IC .. .remember ?)

- “dey ! thamby ! ohne savadi kerporle !! shade properly ! ” for an indian juvenile (translation : little brother ! want me to kill you ? shade properly !)

- “hoi ! shade ho ho lar ! boeh tiok pak si boh ???” for a chinese ah beng (translation : shade properly ! you asking for beatings ???)

etc etc etc. You get the idea.

If there happened to be any vandalism activity (u know, malaysian youths are known to be violent against public property) in the booth on the machine, the bouncer can storm in anytime to give the vandalizer a good ass creaming action (imagine The Rock giving the one side brow tilt). The same way how they handled those drunk bastards brawling inside a pub.

So, there will be no room left for counting discrepancies or hiccups. Candidates would feel more confident about the results. And this will also eliminate those manhours needed to count the heaps of stone age ballots.

Those banners on roadside shall then be made obsolete - replaced with billboard LED panels (like a very huge TV) on streets that shows animated party campaign. Speeches and ceramahs would be streamed through live webcasts .. and for those without computers, can flock to a fully sponsored cybercafe (by the candidates) to see the webcasts. Splendid .. isn’t it ?

The next thing we know, our election would only require a few security guards / bouncers — and it would be as safe as going to a local hair saloon for a haircut. Environmental friendly, and yet effective.

Everything would be computerized and fail safe. Unless of course, the authority happen to forget to update their virus definition and causes a nation-wide infection. But this can be solved by hiring a really good looking and responsible person with high salary (like me) …to update the virus definition whenever required.

*wink*

Anyone want to be my assistant for the post “virus definition updater” ?

There’s a weird dude in your neighbourhood. You abhored him. Because he is evil. He always go around places molesting everyone … randomly. Then one day, he went too far. He sodomized your brother. Needless to say, you are very very pissed. So pissed that you start to smash things around vowing to stop the dude from creating more chaos.

What would you do ?

a) Sodomize the dude back telling him sodomy is wrong. Then threaten him … if he ever sodomize again, he would in turn be sodomized back. In a more vigorous manner.

b) Call the police to have that guy arrested or whatever. Bring him to justice. Study what the fuck is wrong with him. Use the study results to prevent such problem in future.

The answer should be very obvious for us who have had proper education.

Unfortunately, there’s a bunch of middle aged blokes chose option (a) … and turned the world into a full scale anal sex party — in the process of proving sodomy is wrong.

I felt sad for humanity. May the force be with us.