Archive for March, 2004

March 26, 2004

is it locked ?

I was listening to Mix.fm yesterday — the DJ’s were talking about some people who has this uncanny habit of being unsure if they’ve already locked their car. It was that kind of discussion where they allowed users to call-in to share their shitass opinions & ideas about it.

Cool – I thought. I face the same problem myself too. I occasionally would feel unsure whether I’ve switched off my car lights very frequently… and on most cases, I had to walk back to check on my car, which is no doubt a waste of time not to mention silly. Maybe there is something that I can learn from this radio programme after all – I thought.

The discussion then went further to other variance of symptoms — whether the house door is locked… or whether their fly is open (I made this up)… etc. It was then, a housewife called in to suggest a remedy. She suggested to shout out “FUCK” each time one locks a door or anything. Kidding. She actually suggested to shout “LOCKED”. According to her, the shouting would help one remember better… as the loud exclamation would surely burn a deeper impression in their memory.

Well, not bad for a housewife – she actually developed her own idea of remembering things and… she gets to shout at the same time (we all know they like to shout a lot). Her shouting solution then gave me an insight to come up with another better idea. A more efficient way of telling if you’ve really locked your anything. Here it is :

Ok, all you need to do, is to adopt the habit of giving yourself a bite on your hand… each time you lock your car or door. A bite that is hard enough to leave dental impression on your skin. When you’re unsure of anything, just look at your hands if there’s any bite mark… if yes, that means you’ve locked your ….car/door. Easy and effective. The bite mark would automatically disappear over time… and you get to repeat the whole thing as and when necessary.

If you don’t like biting yourself to remember stuff, well, you can bite your pet dog as an alternate option. But the downside is… you’ll need to bring along your dog everywhere you go… to be able to check on the bitemarks. I wouldn’t recommend that though… because it’s quite inconvenient to bring your pet everywhere you go, and also, the consideration that you might forget to bring your pet. And your pet dog might bite back and leave an even DEEPER impression on your skin instead.

Oh well… good luck trying.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
March 25, 2004

my school dentist

When I was in my primary, I noticed that a lot of my friends were afraid to go to the school dentist. Why? I don’t know. I have no problem with dentists… except for the rubber glove’s bad taste. They seriously could have made those rubber gloves with mint flavor or something like that. Or at least make them not to taste so fucking much like rubber. I wonder if condoms taste the same – have to ask some girls.

Anyway, back to the topic – school dentist. It was dreadful idea for my most of my prepubescent classmates – to go to the dentist. Some would cry hysterically whenever their names were called for a checkup… some would attempt to flee the classroom… and some would even shit in their own pants. But not me. I had a good set of teeth so, visiting the school dentist was kinda alright for me.

But all these changed when we advanced to our secondary years. The change was both drastic and eminent. Instead of shitting their pants, most of them VOLUNTEERED for their dental checkup. It was like, the complete opposite. I had no idea what happened then – as I was seldom being called into the dental clinic. Maybe the clinic had adopted something different that made the students really want to care for everything inside their mouth. What the fuck – I thought… good for them.

I remained clueless until several months through my first secondary schooling year – until one day, I was finally called for my routine dental check up. I ambled my way into the school dental clinic – until I came face to face with the truth behind all those fear migration amongst the students. It was the dentist. A chick. Well, not exactly a chick but, some female species with large bosom, and an hourglass figure. From what I can remember, the female dentist was then probably in her early or mid 30’s — but for that kind of standard in an all-boys school… she was as hot as an 18 year old. So, she was rightfully conferred as the hot-chick-dentist.

Back to my visit, when I reached her clinic, I was literally petrified… looking at her. All of a sudden, everything started to make sense to me – why chickens cross the road… why our planet is round… why the students were so eager for a dental checkup. It was like being flushed on the head inside a toilet bowl — an inrush wind of revelation to clear my fog of super blurness.

The chick-dentist then flagged me to mount onto the once fearful chair, which then looked more like a throne of lust festooned with lavenders and grapes. I hopped on it without further procrastination. She then asked me to open my mouth, which I did compliantly. Once I did that, the silhouette of her Farrah Faucett hair outline began to eclipse the dentist spotlight above the chair… and at the same time, I also felt something cushioning against the top of my head. Something very soft – like a silk bag stuffed with nylon wools. It didn’t take me long to realize that the ‘cushion’ was actually her boobies!

Oh my god, the experience was so splendid, that it made me totally forgotten about her distasteful rubber glove inside my mouth. All my energies were channeled to the 1/3 square ft area of receptors on my head… elevating the sensitivity 4 times out of its normal range. I completely focused all my attention to the information that the receptors were working hard to send to my brain… and was totally disconnected from reality.

My subconscious mind kept instructing my balls to keep producing hormones… more and more… until my cum nearly overflowed out of my nostrils… I would have yelled “Woooo hooo!!” if my mouth wasn’t filled with a pair of distasteful rubber gloves working on my teeth. Being ravaged by a dentist never felt so great.

And before I could even complete my ascend to heaven, my session was up – “You’re ok. You may go now”, her deep voice instructed me to unmount and go back to class. Debauchery short-lived – but it was the greatest checkup ever. From that day on, I finally understood why my fellow classmates weren’t afraid of the school dentist no more. It was because their hormones were being instigated to boil at room temperature !

Needless to say, this was a genius move by the school board to hire a hootchie dentist. Because of that, not only the students managed to improve their dental hygiene, but also managed overcome the fear/phobia of visiting a dentist. It changed our life forever. Say no to cavity. Fuck sweets and chocolates.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
March 24, 2004

let out session

I goddamn hate popup ads. Why would anyone create popup ads?? Just to annoy the fuck out of us?? I don’t understand. Everyone knows, no one likes popup ads – and yet there are still idiots out there who thinks that it is a cool idea.

Recently, my computer has been infected with something that is worse than a virus. Some script or whatever that was installed automatically into my browser. Each time I click a URL or refresh a page, there will be fucking pop ups coming out. Fuck.

If any of you happens to be one of those people who played a part in creating pop ups, whether directly or indirectly, let me remind you something here. It’s wrong. Just like how your parents conceived your imbecile character. Your existence is already a mistake, why making it worst? Why not do something more useful like community service (giving blowjobs to orphans)? Or maybe volunteer yourself to animal shelters (giving blowjobs to animals)? Just, get yourself a life, will ya??

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off
March 23, 2004

new voting system

I’m sure everyone knows about the election. Recount and recount… and they get different results every time. Just, what does that mean? It means that the current method of voting is not efficient. Period.

Since we’re now in the computer age, I wonder why SPR has not already consider changing the voting system into a full fledged electronics one. It is very simple… really, and we already have the technology to do it. Here is how they can make it happen:

The idea utilizes the use of MyKAD, our much touted smart identification card (it isn’t really ‘smart’ per se but, just able to keep a few hundred k’s of personal data in it). The voting will be held in a highly restricted compound, and the voter can access the compound electronically (can be controlled with an electronic turnstile or whatever) by using his/her MyKAD. Then have a few guards (or bouncers) to guard the place up, and probably hire a few more PRO’s (pretty girls? I don’t know…) to guide the voters around.

Since the idea is to go electronic, there will be no more traditional “X” marking on a ballot. Instead, the voter will get a computer slip form and get to shade the shading box under their favorite party with a marker and once that is done, just slot the damn slip into a machine. This is pretty much like how the Toto counter does for your betting ticket/form… you know. Everything will be counted electronically with that in place. (if you don’t know what’s a Toto… go find the nearest toilet bowl, put your head into it and flush)

The user will then have to wait for a confirmation from the machine before leaving the booth. If reject, machine will spit out the slip (for re-shade) coupled with a few preset vulgar scolding from a built-in speaker
eg: “Shade properly you moron!”, “Did your parents missed your brain when you were conceived??”, you get the idea. The system is flawless.

And if there were to be any vandalism activity (you know some people can be such an ass) in the voting booth, the bouncer on duty can storm in anytime to give the perpetrator a good whooping and had the guy arrested or whatever. It’s pretty much the same deal as how they handled those drunk bastards brawling inside pubs.

So, you see, there is no room left for discrepancies or hiccups. Contesting candidates would – without doubt – feel more confident about the results. And this will also eliminate those labor needed to count the heaps of stone age ballots.

Those banners on roadside shall also be made obsolete – replaced with billboard LED panels (like a very huge TV) on streets that shows animated party campaign. Speeches and ceramahs can be streamed through live webcasts… and for those without computers, can flock to a fully sponsored cybercafe (by the candidates) to watch the webcasts. Splendid… isn’t it? It’s cool, it’s space age, it’s environmentally friendly and it’s safe (look ma, no need to fucking recount no more)

Everything would be computerized and fail safe. Unless of course, the authorities happen to forget to update their virus definition and causes a nation-wide infection. But this is a small matter than can be overseen by some responsible personnel… the advantage clearly out-weights the cons here.

I wonder why isn’t there anyone doing this already… don’t we have any smart people in the country? I conceived this idea while I was taking a dump man…

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off

faux pas

There’s a weird dude in your neighborhood. You abhorred him because he is evil. He always go around places molesting everything, anytime he likes. Then one day, he went too far. He sodomized your brother. Needless to say, you got very very pissed. So pissed that you smashed things around vowing to put the motherfucker to sleep for ever.

Now, what do you think you could do next?

a) Sodomize the asshole back to send him a message that sodomy is wrong. Then you threaten him… if he ever sodomize anyone or anything again, he would in turn be sodomized back. In a more vigorous manner.

b) Call the police to have that guy arrested or whatever. Bring him to justice. Study what the fuck is wrong with him. Use the study results to prevent more of such problem in the future.

The answer should be very obvious for us who has proper education.

Unfortunately, there is a bunch of middle aged blokes who chose option (a)… and turned the world into a full scale anal sex party — in the process of proving sodomy is wrong.

I feel sad for humanity. May the force be with us.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | Comments Off