Archive for March, 2004

March 31, 2004

survival tips

Kids nowadays are so spoiled, that it is practically impossible for them to be as independent as the children who lived in the 80’s and 90’s. It all makes sense, as they have maids to iron their uniforms and wash their stinking school shoes, etc etc. What else do they get to do? Surf porn ler… what else.

Alright, I’m not being critical about them or put the blame on them. All these are improvements of living standards, and we should embrace it as a fact. Sooner in the future, kids probably won’t even know how to flush the toilet after using it, for everything would be sensor controlled. The moment their ass are lifted from the toilet bowl… their shit would be automatically flushed to the ocean. Something like that.

But then, the day isn’t always bright. Sometimes, things might go wrong… like the family maid has to take a long medical leave or maybe fled with the neighborhood garbage man. In such situation, what would happen to the kids? Who would iron their clothes? Who would do their laundry? Who is gonna wake them up to school? All that. Mommy’s too afraid to spoil her fingernails doing house chores, and daddy’s a lazy fart. So… how?

That would only mean one thing – those spoiled kids/brats have to take care of themselves until their parents got them a new maid.

Well, not to worry. I have hereby compiled a list of survival tips in the convenient FAQ format, just in case the family maid absconded for some unknown reasons:

1) Kids ask : “How to iron my school uniform ?”
Procedure : Fold uniforms and stack 5 of them together. Iron them in one go.
Explanation : Concept of one stone kills 5 birds. It should take less than a minute to iron a week’s supply of school uniform. Not to mention the savings on electricity. With the excess time, you’ll have more time to do your homework (or surf porn).

2) Kids ask : “My mom said i need to clean my school shoes. What should I do?”
Procedure : Only wash them once a month. If dirty, apply a layer liquid shoe white on top of dirty surface – and it will look clean again. Repeat as necessary.
Explanation : Save detergent and time to wash the shoes. Less washing means shoes last longer. Saving on detergent means less fishes’ ass getting creamed in the ocean. It is both environmentally friendly and animal loving (fishes are animals… right?)

3) Kids ask : “My mom said i need to wake up early by myself! How how ???”
Sleep with your school uniform on. This way, even if you oversleeps, you can save up the time to get dressed.
Explanation : By doing that, one only need to wake up and straight head to school. Save a lot of time and the extra time can be used to gain more sleep. And we all know a student with enough sleep gets to concentrate better in studies.

4) Kids ask : “Arrgghh! mom asked me to tidy up my bed every morning !!!”
Just rolllllll up the blanket (along with your bolsters, pillows, blowup dolls, etc). No need to fold or spread them out. To use them again, just un-rollllll… and you’ll get your bed done again.
Explanation : Easier, faster and no fold lines. Nuff said.

You’re welcome.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
March 30, 2004

explicit discussion

*18SX warning – reader’s discretion advised. The entry below contain some obscene elements that might offend some stupid ass individuals. If you think you are a person who can get easily offended about sexually explicit discussion or topics alike, or you’re a minor a.k.a kids, kindly leave by pressing ALT+F4. If you don’t know how to do that, you can alternately shove your head into the nearest toilet bowl and flush repeatedly until you stop breathing.

Today my lunch members and I discussed about some girl in our company who goes by the name ‘Brenda’.

A little description about Brenda here – despite being somewhat of a midget (she’s like, 5ft or less?), Brenda has the features that most guys would consider ‘attractive’. With her classy high profile cheek and lustrous wavy hair, it is very easy to like her, especially when she smiles. But the most standout thing of all, is her bosom. *alright kids, it’s getting real explicit here, still not too late to leave yet. Press ALT+F4 to leave

Now what about her bosom? Capital L legendary. She has a nice set of 34/35D rack, that bounces and makes gravity such a beautiful force to appreciate. Her rack is like the point of origin for all benchmark of titties. And as if it’s not already awesome enough, she also have big nipples… such that they always embossed on her tight fitting clothes. Her bras aren’t doing her a lot of justice to conceal that monster from peeking out beneath and she often has to wear multiple layers of clothes to hide that up from the public (a cardigan, usually). But whenever she’s out for lunch, she will usually leave her jacket or cardigan on her desk (hot maa…) and bounces around like she’s trying to kill all blokes in broad daylight.

During our discussion, we kind of stabbed at the question on why Brenda always have her nipples embossed on her clothes. My take on that was – large breasts are naturally heavier than normal boobs, and therefore, couldn’t be supported by conventional bras (a normal bra would just give way and snap due to the extra mass – imagine a thin wire supporting a heavy piece of stone slab). So, girls with huge rack would naturally have to resort to those special bras. Special rubber singlet type of sports bra with extra support.

And we all know these special sport bras usually have thin pads. Why thin pads? Because of the already large tits, it would be ridiculous to cover it with thick pads as that would make it look even bigger. Hence, those special bras need to be thinly padded to retain the breasts’ original contour. Thin pads means, less shielding on the nipples area — point number 1.

Point number 2. As we all know, the size of any tit is usually directly proportional to the size of the nipple. Why? Because it needed to be this way so that it is able to accommodate the volume of milk discharged from the gigantic glands. It all makes sense… a large dam wouldn’t be designed with a small output pipe water supply to the public. The pressure would be too high and the pipe will burst. Same thing here – just imagine the dam as a big tit and the pipe as the nipple. From the size of her tits, I reckon that her nipples have to be as big as a 50 cents coin… and probably hard enough to dent a car body…

Now, add those 2 points together, and we got the explanation on why she has her nipples embossed on her clothes all the time. It was a somewhat absurd and technical at the same time, and we all had fun laughing at the facts like a bunch of intoxicated hyenas. Big tits can be funny sometimes.

*Kid’s if you’re still reading this, you’re in trouble because you’ve just learned something you’re not suppose to know until you grow up. I would suggest you to type “I will not learn something I’m not suppose to know” repeatedly for 200 times on a notepad, print it out, burn it and mix the ashes with 10 bowls of holy water. Then drink it to cleanse the filth from your mind.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off

schoolbag

This morning, while I was driving to work, I noticed a mother carrying a school bag for her son — and her idiot son was capering happily in front of her. Man, if I were to be the kid’s father, I would have given him a piledrive into the drain. How could he do that to his mom who cooks, washes and cares for him?? This is too much.

When I was a kid, I carried my own schoolbag. No doubt they weighted like a bag of concrete, but what the hell, those were my books. Not my mom’s. If anyone should be carrying the books for my own good, it has got to be me myself. Kids are pampered and spoiled too much nowadays. They only know how to surf porn on the internet, nothing else.

But then, I also have always been wondering… why are those kids required to carry so many books to school? I mean, why can’t someone install lockers at schools… so that they can keep their stuffs there? Instead of carrying books to school, students can choose which book to take back home for their revisions. It’s much more practical and convenient that way.

Things that people should have done but never did.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
March 29, 2004

immoral bird

My alarm clock has been around for 19 years. I’m not kidding. My mom bought it when I was 8 years old and it has been waking me up since then. During the years, it has endured many kinds of hardships, like being dropped on the floor, being dropped on the floor… and being dropped on the floor. The repeated concussion had caused it to be a little bit ‘off’ – the alarm will trigger 15 minutes earlier than the set time.

Recently, the little guy decided to give up on me. It started to show some symptoms of quitting its life. Sometimes, it will just keep quiet and let us sleep longer than required. It was an evil act needless to say. And usually, I won’t wake until the goddamn cuckoo bird (not sure if it’s a cuckoo bird though) outside my apartment started to wail like mad — and that’s usually at 7am. The bird seems to have some kind of biological clock that was directly connected to it’s vocal chord/beak… and never had it once failed to wake me up whenever my alarm clock plays silent.

But today, it finally happened. This time, it’s the bird’s biological clock that gave up on him. Instead of wailing out at 7am, the bastard-bird wailed exactly 3 hours earlier – 4am in the wee hours of the morning. The bird’s wail only means one thing to me — I’m late for work and I better get the fuck up already. Upon hearing the bird’s wail, I immediately jumped up from my sleep and scurried into the bathroom to get a quick bath.

And right before I was about to enter the bathroom, I shouted at Emily who was still sleeping (usually, I’m the one who wakes her every time we’re late for work) –

“Emily!! Wake up! the damn bird wailed!! we’re late for work!!”.
“zzz … huh? zzz ”
“Wake up! Do you know what time it is??”
“…what are you talking about?”
“About the time… goddamn it! We’re late! Wake up!!”
[grab watch] “hmmm… but it’s only 4am in the morning…”
“What??”
“yeah… 4 am in the morning.”
“Are you sure it’s 4am in the morning??”
[check alarm clock] “yes… I’m absolutely sure”
“ARRRGGHHH… DAMN THAT FUCKING BIRD !!!”

Words cannot describe my frustration at that particular moment. Luckily, I didn’t take my shower yet before discovering the bummer – else, it would have been catastrophic. I went back to sleep ignoring the stupid bird… who was still wailing out loud as if there’s no tomorrow…

I think it’s time for me to get a new alarm clock… now that I know the stupid bird is not as reliable anymore. Birds suck.

michaelooi  | happenings  | Comments Off
March 28, 2004

honda city

Who say you need an expert to review a car? Bullshit. I can do it too (despite the fact that I know nuts about cars).

I was looking at a Honda City, and can’t help to think — what an ugly car it is. Short front… and long back. According to some expert, it is suppose to be a ‘bubble design’ concept, which is kind of an important for my neighbor’s dog to sustain an erection without a bitch. Kidding. It’s suppose to make the car more aerodynamic. To some less techie dudes, aerodynamic is a type of very fast bird.

Well, it looks like a direct cross from Honda Jazz (the short front) plus our Asian uncanny preference of big trunks — thus, they came up with the design of Honda City. Talking about big trunk, I do not understand why we Asians want cars with big trunks. Personally speaking, I don’t mind cars having a small trunk. Why would we need such a big trunk? To stuff our mother in law inside? Not me. I only use it store my 24-7 ready 10 lbs bowling ball and a pair of soccer boots inside.

The new Honda City definitely was designed to suit the taste of us Asians – referring, again, to the short front (good for those idiots who have problems parking their car) and the gigantic trunk. 500 liters, enough to store 6 mother in laws inside (depends on your mother in law size). The final look is — something that resembled the flower horn fish. It’s fucking ugly (fugly). I bet if a kid were to draw a Honda City and submit the work to his art teacher — he would get a real thorough spanking for drawing a lopsided car… and get a -F for it. No shit.

I went to the Honda showroom yesterday and frankly speaking, although I didn’t like the look of that darn car, I was quite impressed with the quality of its interior. Everything felt solid and in its place. Some say it is luxurious – but I am pretty sure those are just a bunch of yokels that are unfamiliar with cream colored interior or probably has not seen a luxury car before. It’s neat and pretty inside – yes. Luxurious? – still a lot to add.

Alright, I tried to ask for a test drive but unfortunately, the demo car wasn’t in – so, I kinda missed the driving part. Hence, I did the next best thing – I positioned myself on the driver’s seat and fiddled around with its control like a virgin kid’s first experience feeling a girl’s body. The very first thing I noticed was – its limited leg room under the steering. It’s too fucking small for fully grown guy like me. I mean, it doesn’t even have enough space to house a simple foot rest… and if my size 10 shoe were to be any bigger, it would be impossible for me to stretch both legs when driving.

It would have been better if the trunk were to be made smaller to give more space to the cabin. I prefer a larger cabin anytime than having a large trunk. The car is more suitable for a young girl or a housewife, and definitely not an ideal ride for a savage bloke like me.

But nevermind, not that I’m interested in Honda City anyway. I was just curious of it’s fame… and went to check if it really lives up to its reputation. Apparently not. The car’s ugly – period. Besides, nobody really knows if the CVT gearbox would cost an arm and a leg when it needs to be replaced.

I walked out of the showroom without looking back. Time to move to other options.

*If one’s asking why the sudden craze about cars – yes, I am planning to change my car. Budget? 85K max. I’m now scouring for bits of info to aid my buying.

michaelooi  | automobiles  | Comments Off