Archive for February, 2004

February 25, 2004


My colleague BigSnake recently had a crush on a girl. She is an accountant at my workplace, and apparently, is quite well known for her hot looks and totally awesome body.

When we were returning from our lunch today, BigSnake remarked about his unbelievably frequent encounter with that pretty accountant in an euphoric tone…

BigSnake : “I don’t know if this is just me, guys… but I noticed that I kept running into that Hot Accountant every morning. I mean, what are the odds? I have a feeling that this is more than just coincidence. Aren’t I lucky?”

Me : “So… are you implicating to us that it is FATE that is at work here?”

BigSnake : “If fate describes this the best, then yeah. I think this is a sign hinting that we are meant to be together”

He then stared upwards at the sky… as if he’s expecting something some snowflakes to fall down, but then I’m sure he just wanted to make the whole thing sound lofty.

Me : “Oh… pardon me but, are you saying that you think both of you are destined to be together, just because you noticed that you have been stumbling into her quite frequent recently?”

BigSnake : “YES.”

Me : “Then, what about those obese security guards stationed at the employee entrance? You stumble into them every morning as well… right?”

BigSnake : “No, that’s different.”

Me : “Why would it be different? Just because the guards are fatter and uglier, then FATE won’t pair you up with them?”

BigSnake : “I think you’re just jealous.”

Me : “I stumble into my neighbor’s maid every morning… does that mean both of us are meant to be together?”

BigSnake : “Aiyaa… both of you live at the same area maaa… for sure the chance of stumbling into each other will be higher.”

Me : “Well, aren’t you and Hot Accountant working in the same building? Doesn’t that make a higher chance to stumble into each other?”

BigSnake : “…”

Bull’s eye.

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February 24, 2004

animal’s day

Emily was already sleeping soundly when I was about to go to bed last night. Being an ass that I always am, I shook her up from her sleep and asked her this…

Me : “Dear … do you remember what day is today?”

She groaned, and answered me in a semi conscious state, with her eyes still closed,

Emily : “Uhmmm… huh… monday…”

Me : “What about tomorrow, dear?”

Emily : “tt… tuesday… *snores*”

Me : “Good, good. And what am I suppose to do on Tuesdays?”

Emily : “pp… physio…”

Me : “Yes, clever girl. Anything else?”

Emily : “hhhhmmmhhh… animal’s day”

Me : [chuckles] “Oh… is that? Tomorrow is animal’s day?”

Emily : “yess….”

Me : [suppressing laugh] “And… heheh… why is tomorrow….heheheh… an animal’s day? heheh”

Emily : “hmmpffffpphhh” [mumbled something that doesn’t make sense, with some hints of saliva about to drool from her mouth]

By the time she tried her very best to answer my question, I was already laughing out hysterically like a hyena having fits – which woke her up. She then realized what she had just said, and laughed it off together with me.

Emily : “Damnnnnnn… what the hell was I saying?? Tomorrow’s an ANIMAL’S DAY?? Hahahhhhh!!” [wipes drool away from her mouth]

So, I hereby would like to proclaim to the world that, today, 24th of February, shall be hence known as Animal’s Day. Thou shall not kill or hurt any animals on this day. In fact, thou shalt be nice to them. Only for today. Kiss them, feed them, pat them, whatever. Just make them feel nice and… if possible, make them FEEL IMPORTANT.

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February 23, 2004

a productive meeting at work

The bosses were late for a scheduled meeting today. So, I kind took the chance to chat up with my colleagues today. A pretty casual type of chat – we talked about girls, cars and money.

One of my colleagues, Wilson, told us of an incident of himself being drunk and vented some nasty stuff at our boss.

It was in a fellow colleague’s wedding that he got real blitzed from the excessive toast that night, and he was approached by a lottery salesguy. With his alcohol induced elevated sense, he somehow had the delusion that he might miss out a chance to be a millionaire if he doesn’t buy at least one lottery that night. So, he flagged the guy over and bought a few lotteries. While he was doing that, he actually rambled to our boss – who happened to be around at that time – out of his addled state – “Boss… when I get my 3 million bucks, you don’t have to worry a thing. I will still work for you… but don’t expect me to work that hard… like what I’m doing now” …and sniggered.

I could tell that the incident would remain as a story for him to tell for generations to come… (which kind of makes a cool drunken tale to impress friends, I have to admit)

Wilson’s experience kind of made me think – would a guy still choose to continue working if he strikes a lottery? I received pretty much the same response from around the gang there – YES. Yes they would still work if they struck a lottery. Why? Amongst the response – money is not really the ultimate thing in life. But the majority of people there agreed, that a bloke won’t survive long if he were to sit around doing nothing for the rest of his life. One day, he would eventually feel like a fucking cripple/vegetable… that he’ll either go depressed or insane.

So the key idea is, a guy needs the job to FEEL IMPORTANT, and in turn, to survive. As long as he FEELS IMPORTANT… everything else will be fine. You girls out there should take note of this very important thing about guys. Make your guy feel important… and you’ll get a great commitment from him for the relationship (apart from giving him a blowjob in the morning). Let him change the light bulb… fix the car… kill the intruder snake… whatever. Let him save the day, and be the hero. Make him feel that he is needed, and that he IS IMPORTANT. I bet you’ll get to see a pretty side of him that you’ve never seen before.

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February 22, 2004

beliefs and respect

Recently, my family has been pestered by a group of religious individuals who wanted us to join their religion. I used the word ‘pester’ because we weren’t exactly thrilled with them breathing down our necks and invading our privacy for their stupid shit religious cause.

These fuckers first impersonated as our family friends (through an uncle of mine) to gain access to our attention, and then slowly, they would start to preach about their God and stuff. Sometimes, they would even indirectly condemn other religions. And when we decided to ignore them, they started to make annoying phone calls like loan sharks to our homes, asking us to join their religion… That was when it really got down to my nerve. I had to scream at those bunch of fuckers for a few times to get them off the hook.

To me, religion is a very personal thing. Each individual has his/her own preference and thought about it. For me, it is like a tool to keep people in control, civilized and shit. It’s pretty much like the modern operating systems in our computers. They keep shits together. And we get to choose Mac, Linux or Windows. Same with religion. We choose what to believe and what we want.

But the bunch of religious freak here… they’re like Microsoft trying to monopoly the trade. They’re making their religion a cult – to brainwash everyone to believe what they believe? Isn’t that some kind of violation to our basic rights? How would you feel if people were to shove his dick into your mouth?

I remember there was once I met a girl who would quote about God every time we speak. She claimed that she has the capability to speak to her angel, and it was fucking awesome bla bla bla. I didn’t plan to fuck with her until she remarked that I was a ‘lost’ person for not believing in God like she does. That was when I decided to ask her God out for a talk and I said this to her –

“Look girl. I’m gonna be at Starbucks Gurney tonight. Why don’t you come with your angel and meet me there at 11pm. We’ll talk about everything there.”

She responded with a bunch of lame excuses that was rather sad. Sad because she had to actually lie to desperately make me believe some bullshit about her and her fucking angel (probably a dildo). I thought religion is all about doing good things and not to be such a crook, but look at this girl here… my God… (pun intended)

I always shudder at the thought of being religious. Call me a devil, evil, a heretic or whatever… – but that’s the way it goes. It’s my prerogative to choose what I want to believe. And I believe, I don’t really need religion to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do. With enough common sense and education, I believe I can do better in life if not the same as any religious person can. If anyone thinks that it’s really that bad for me to not have faith in something, then fine. It’s my problem. Let me worry about that. Just don’t come harassing me and my family…

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February 21, 2004

about ray

Does anyone realize that there will always be one particular ‘special’ student in our class in school that always isolate himself/herself from the rest of group? He/she would have a peculiar behavior and doesn’t have much no friends to play with… and has penchant for unconventional hobbies (collecting pubic hairs, etc)? Well, Ray was that person in my class when I was in my late secondary years.

He wasn’t a bright guy and flunked most of his subjects in every exam. He didn’t like to talk much and had very few friends. He wasn’t active in sports either. Ray was interested in only 2 things — pornography and hip hops. Well, not exactly only hip hops but, more like anything with bass on it. Rap, techno, just anything. There was once I saw him bob his head when some Indian boys drummed the Thaipusam theme on a wooden table. You get the idea.

Anyway, despite having such hyperactive taste in music, he remained a very quiet guy in a world of his own and never caused any trouble at all. Oh, I almost forgot, he looked kinda weird too. He somehow has both his hands longer than usual… and that kind of made me suspect that he’s probably a direct descendant from our apish ancestors.

So, he pretty much slept through the whole few semesters in our class, until MC Hammer launched that hit single ‘Too Legit To Quit’ (or something like that). That was about the time MC Hammer triggered a massive cult following of ridiculous looking baggy pants and shaved heads back then. Ray, was nuts about MC Hammer. It was during one of our school funfair that he decided to transform himself into a self envisioned hip hop dancer, when he realized that he was able to garner some attention by simply flailing his limbs loosely to the ‘Too Legit To Quit’ song. But little did he know, that people weren’t looking at him because he could dance. But it was because he sucked so bad at it, that it was damn fucking funny.

So, the situation was pretty much like that William Hung case. People started to shower him with attention and encouraged him to humiliate himself more by doing something goofy… only that Ray’s doing MC Hammer’s ‘Too Legit To Quit’ dance and was a few trillion times goofier than William Hung’s audition. I in particular, laughed the loudest, because it was so fucking funny that I suffered cramps.

Not long after that, Ray’s new found fame began to spread. It wasn’t long before everyone in our school started to talk about him. That actually changed Ray’s character altogether. He started to socialize and he never walked again. He actually capered everywhere he goes… *smacks my own head.

Soon, Ray became out of control from the provocations (from all the students). Everyone was fucking with him – telling him to dance whenever he was in sight. And he did, he would dance every time he had the opportunity… to the amusement of the people around him and phony friends. He would dance during our recess time, during our PE lessons, during our seminars (at a quiet corner) and everywhere. Even without music. And each time he did that, he never fails to pique a massive crowd around… with tears and laughter.

Then, one day, his madness reached the boiling point – with the delusion that he has the gift to become a famous hip hop dancer, he actually enrolled himself in a dancing contest at a local disco. And when his big break came, he kind of stunned the whole fucking disco and turned the whole place into an epileptic center. That was when some of the meanies there started to ridicule him and probably threw him out. I could tell that whatever he encountered there, had a negative impact on him and his self esteem – for he was never seen dancing in public again.

It was a rather cruel ending. This wouldn’t have happened at all if someone were to hoot Ray on the first day itself. He would have learned the fact that he can’t dance and the situation probably wouldn’t have snowballed to gain that much momentum to make him enroll into that stupid contest. Poor Ray.

I mean, isn’t this the same as what William Hung is experiencing now?

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