Recently, my colleague BigSnake has been admiring an accountant in my company who goes by the name BigEyes. BigEyes is a very sexy girl with a dropdead gorgeous hourglass figure. The typical hot being that induces brain damage, excessive nosebleed and uncontrollable spasm among the male species.

When we returned from lunch today, BigSnake expressed something out from his love-stricken mind to myself and Blackie.

BigSnake : “I don’t know why … I always bump into BigEyes every morning. It seems that we both have somekind of telepathic arrangement to come to work at exactly the same time. I have a feeling that this is more than coincidence. Am I lucky or what ?”

Me : “So .. are you implicating to us that something called FATE is at work here ?”

BigSnake : “If there’s nothing near what I meant - yeah. It seems like we’re destined to be together”

He then stared upwards to the sky ..as if he’s pondering something very meaningful, but then I’m sure he just wanted to make himself look less silly.

Me : “Oh … correct me if I’m wrong… Both of u are destined to be together coz u always inadvertently stumble into her every morning ?”

BigSnake : “YES.”

Me : “How bout the bunch of obese security guard housewives that are stationed at the entrance ? You stumble into them every morning as well .. right ?”

BigSnake : “That’s different.”

Me : “Now, why is that ? Does that mean that if one’s fat & ugly …. fate won’t arrange them to be destined with somebody ? In this case .. YOU ?”

BigSnake : “Look .. I think you’re just jealous.”

Me : “I saw my neighbour’s maid every morning … does that mean both of us are meant to be together ?”

BigSnake : “Aiyaa … both of you lived at the same area maaa … for sure chances to stumble into each other will be very high.”

Me : “Both you and BigEyes are working in the same building. Your chances of stumbling into her very low meh ?”

BigSnake : “……..”

I think I’m good. Feel free to challenge me.

I suspect my sister isn’t human.

I suspect she’s a female alien that descended from some other planet to spy on us humans and make my life miserable. Sometimes, when she noticed that no one is looking at her, she’ll protract her tongue out (very long) to lick at the dead insects along her apartment corridor. I knew it coz I’ve seen her did that before (when I was small).

And she actually doesn’t look like what she looked like. Her current face is actually a fake genetically fabricated mask used to cover up her ugly face. Her actual face looked so freaking ugly, that it’ll turn white shirts to yellow … clear water to murky … perfume to stink… and render all lizards impotent.

When I was small, I used to spit into her mouth when she sleeps with her behemoth mouth wide open … which surprisingly, she seemed to enjoy it a lot. Then I experimented more by dumping in a few pieces of FAB laundry soap into her mouth. Again, she swallowed them as if they were edible materials.

Flabbergasted, I then threw in my mom’s kitchen knife … a chair (medium sized) … a few pieces of plasticine … my tricycle … the cane that my mom used to wallop me …. thumbtacks … and a hammer — all into her mouth. But nothing happened. It was then, I figured out that I still have some firecrackers leftover from CNY celebration …. so I gladly lit up a few of them and slam dunk it into her stinking parasite mouth. It exploded with multiple loud bangs - but she was still sleeping soundly as if nothing had happened.

That was when I discovered about my sister’s superhuman traits. But it’s already too late. The loud cracks actually woke my mom up .. and when my mom discovered that her knife, thumbtacks, cane, hammer and all that were missing … she blamed me for pawning them off for a few buck’s kick of videogames. That’s when my mom had to beat me up using a broom (the cane was gone .. remember ?). I wailed out loud that night … due to the immense pain from the beating, and I’ll never forget the sight of that alien in disguise sniggering behind my mother’s back during the entire ordeal. And that’s also when I figured out … that my sister is evil.

When she began to reach her puberty, her evil traits became more flagrant. She started to mutilate small animals around her .. rats, dogs, cats, rhinos … u name it. Oh no .. come to think of it … that’s not a rhino … it’s suppose to be some big sized housewives that bellows like a rhino. Nevermind, the main idea is - she’s cold blooded. She’s worse than a monster with brain damage.

Damn that alien. Why out of so many billions of human species that dwell in this planet - it has to be me who suffers her reign of terror ? What the fuck is wrong with this alien espionage thingy ? Can’t she just come in peace and do her business without jeopardizing my life here ?

I hate my sister … alien … whatever she is.

Emily was already sleeping soundly when I completed surfing late last night. Being a cheeky guy I am, I attempted to strike a conversation with her. She answered me in a blurred semi concious state, with her eyes still closed.

Me : “Dear … do you still remember what day is today ?”

Emily : “Uhmmm .. huh … monday…”

Me : “How bout tomorrow ..dear ?”

Emily : “Hmmmph … tt… tuesday”

Me : “Good. And what are we suppose to do on Tuesday ?”

Emily : “pp…physio…”

Me : “Yes, good girl. Anything else ?”

Emily : “hmmmph … animal’s day”

Me : [chuckles] “Oh… is that ? Tomorrow’s an animal’s day ?”

Emily : “yess….”

Me : [impending pressure of bursting out laughing] “And … heheh .. why is tomorrow….heheheh … is an animal’s day ?”

Emily : “hmmpffffpphhh” [mumbled something that doesn't make sense with some hints of saliva about to drool from her mouth]

By the time she tried her very best to answer my question, I was already laughing out hysterically like a hyena having fits - which woke her up. Then, she realized what she had just said, and laughed it off together with me.

Emily : “Damnnnnnn …. what the hell am I saying ??? Tomorrow’s an ANIMAL’S DAY ? Hahahhhhh ! Shit !!” [wipes drool away from her mouth]

So, I hereby would like to proclaim that, today, 24th of February, shall be hence known as Animal’s Day. Thou shall not kill or hurt any of them today. In fact, thou shalt be nice to them. Only for today. Kiss them, feed them, pat them, whatever. Just make them feel nice and .. if possible, make them FEEL IMPORTANT.

The bosses were late for a scheduled meeting today. So, I kinda had a chance to chat with a couple of engineers today. A pretty relaxed colloquial type of chat - we talked about girls, cars and money.

It was then, one of the engineers began to relate back of a drunk incident involving himself venting some frust at our boss. His story made me realized 2 very important facts of life … which I’m gonna blog about. Here’s the story:

He was blitzed in a colleague’s wedding banquet when a lottery sales-dude came over to him. At that time, his inebriated brain somehow assured himself that he’s going to strike a fortune from that lottery sales-dude. So, he bought a few lotteries … with a towering high confidence in him (a drunk gets confident very easily).

While doing the transaction, he rambled to our boss, who happened to be at the same table with him - “Boss… when I get my 3 million bucks, you don’t have to worry a thing. I’ll still work for you … but don’t expect me to work that hard.. like what I’m doing now” … and proceeded to give her a snigger (yep, a lady boss). And while he was telling me this, I can tell from his expression that he felt like dying after he realized what he vented about when he sobered up the next morning.

I felt bad for him .. although I wouldn’t agree to feel miserable at all if I happened to be in his shoes. I mean, who the fuck cares how our bosses feel after we vented something we’re sick of ? They deserve to hear us bitch about work all the time … so that they can improve their ways. Peace at work. Better motivation. That sort of shits.

But then, I’m sure all bosses would have known that most of his/her employees would always be dissatisfied at something .. no matter how good they are. It’s a cliche for everyone who works for a paycheck. It’s a tradition for employees to hate employer. A never dying culture. A bad habit. A very radical belief. In fact, they themselves as bosses would bitch about his/her next level of superior. Heck, everyone is doing it. It’s a fashion and hype that never gets out of trend.

So, I think one should erase the primitive thought of how an employee should be scared of their superior. Never be afraid to voice out when you’re pissed with your boss’ way. He/she will never know of his/her mistakes when no one comes forward to bitch about it. You’ll never know things you don’t know.

And that engineer also brought up a valid point. Would a guy still work if he strikes a lottery ? I’ve got a round of word from all of us in the meeting room (no.. the bosses still haven’t arrived yet) - YES. Or at least get himself to work on something important rather than wasting his time breathing oxygen.

No doubt money is important for a guy … but it’s not really the utmost important thing in his life. A bloke won’t survive long if he were to sit around at home doing nothing for the rest of his life. One day, he would eventually feel like a dumbass and a fucking disabled retard .. that would either make him a mentally disturbed person … or distressed enough to kill himself. A guy needs to FEEL IMPORTANT to survive.

It doesn’t matter what he does. As long as he FEEL IMPORTANT … it should be good enough for him. Girls, take this opportunity to improve your love life. Make your guy feel important … and that’s all you need to get a great relationship (or at least an out-the-world passionate sex from him). Let him change the lightbulb .. feed the dog … kill the snake … repair the fridge.. whatever. Let him save the day. Make him feel that you can’t live without him.

Now, I want to feel important. I’m going to reply some emails … I don’t want people to misunderstand that I’m dead or too blardy stoned to respond to them.

*read disclaimer before proceed

I never had any problem with religions. Nor being serious about them. I never pray, and I seldom go to places of worship etc. Even if I did, it is safe to assume that I did it to please my elders - u know - my mom, grandparents, etc — who wouldn’t stop badgering me if I refuse to do it. But I have problem with some people … who crosses their line in the name of God.

Recently, my family has been pestered by a group of individuals who tried to convince us join their religious cause. I used the word “pester” because of their abhorrent actions of invading my family’s privacy to achieve their main goal.

They would impersonate themselves as our friends, and then slowly, these people would start to preach about their religion. Sometimes, they would even indirectly condemn other religions. And when we start to neglect them, they would make annoying phone calls to our homes, and started to urge us to submit to their religious believes ….WTF !?

To me, religion is a free thing. It’s up to each individual to decide which religion he wanted to be in. Maybe I’m not that good in describing about religion but … just think of it as a belief. We choose to believe what we want. But the bunch of religious freak here … what are they trying to do ? To brainwash everyone to believe what they believe ? To the extend of invading one’s privacy ?

Shouldn’t they show some respect when people tell them to stop discussing about religion ? Can’t they just believe in what they want and stop influencing people to join their causes ? I mean, if their teachings are really good, they shouldn’t even be too worried about people not wanting to join their cause VOLUNTARILY. Even if they are inclined to spread their religion, they could have done it in a more respectful way … like setting up a website … a seminar in their church… a freak show … or whatever …. so that people get to CHOOSE whether they wanted to hear their sermons/preaching/whatever.

I remembered there’s once, I met a girl who would quote about God everytime we speak. And after much talking to her, I really got fed up with her ways … u know … God this and that. She even mentioned that she has met her angel (i can’t put his name here due to respect) before … that he told her something something … and she did something something. Then flower blooms and all sorts of magic happened to her family etc. Right, I tried to smack my addled oblongata to swallow what she said. But I snapped when she started to label me as “lost” without a religion and tried to talk me to become like her. A typical religious freak (hoot me if you want…)

Then, I tried to give her a chance to prove herself. I told her this “Look girl. I’m gonna be at Starbucks Gurney tonight. Why not you come out with your angel and meet me there at 11pm. We’ll talk about it”. Well, she responded with a bunch of excuses that really disappointed me. Disappointed that she actually have to tell lies to desperately make me believe in her religious experience. I thought religion is all about peace … about good things …. not about lies and deception. What is wrong with these people ?

It is not of my utmost priority to be a religious guy. Anyone can call me a devil … a retard or whatever…. for not being religious - but that’s the way it goes. If it’s really that bad for me, fine. It’s my problem. It’s none of anyone’s business. I’ll call for help if I need anything.

I chose my life to be simple and based on the principles of life that has been taught by my parents and elders. And that’s just good enough for me to kickstart a life of my own .. with myself learning new things on my own each day. Nevermind if I fail, the worst that can happen… is just death — which every single one of us human going to eventually face one day.

Feel free to give comments about those religious freaks. And even better, some suggestion to cream them.