big trouble on little plane
I recalled of an encounter I had on a plane a few years back.
I was in an Austin bound flight from Fortworth for a business travel. Sitting next to me was a skinny ass Vietnamese old lady. Very old, about 60 - 70 years old. I was sitting by the window and that old lady by the aisle.
Halfway through the journey, granny decided to have an idle chat with me. Not wanting to be a rude, I tried to be nice to her and gave her a few short replies (as I was too fucking tired from the long haul flight and besides, I’m not the kind of person who likes to chat with strangers). But granny was relentless with her topics, she would continue to talk about stuff that matters not to me. I tried to grab some magazines to discourage her from talking to me, but the effort was futile.
It wasn’t long before she started to get curious about me. That was when she started to ask all sorts of questions like - how old are you young man? where are you from? why are you here? wanna have sex? Ok, I made up the last one. But I was beginning to get annoyed. I just wanted to be left alone because I was fucking tired…
But no. She wouldn’t leave me alone. She would tell me stories about her family, and other shit that I absolutely have no interest about. I was beginning to suspect something wrong with this old lady. But my mind kept telling me that she was just probably too lonely on the fucking plane and she needed to talk.
She finally stopped after talking for what it must be like 15 minutes and then went all quiet. I thought I could finally get my much deserved rest, but I was so wrong. When I was trying to take a short nap, I suddenly heard a faint sound of someone breaking wind. I was like, what the fuck?? Did I hear that wrongly? Then it came again, this time, a little louder and when I looked what was that old lady doing - she had both her legs up on the chair (she’s really skinny) and was enjoying her fart!
Yes! She fucking farted! Right beside me!
The repugnant smell of her flatulence then started to waft towards my space… and it was terrible. I was gasping for air and was giving her a look of contempt. But instead of at least apologizing (though it would not really help to clear the air), she was giving me this dirty smile… you know… the kind of smile with a message “you ain’t smelling the worst yet, son”.
Miraculously, her act of terrorism was limited to only our space - because I can see the other passengers were not having the same trouble. The old lady seemed to be able to control the sphincter of her anus - where she would be able to limit the amount of gas and noise level to dispose just enough mayhem to fuck those who did not submit to her conversation. Yep, she did that to me because I tried to avoid her.
And she farted several times more throughout the journey, and I was stuck there because she was sitting by the aisle and mine was inside by the window. The only means of escape was to break the window, and get vacuum sucked out from the plane. Probably I might land on something that would cushion my fall from 30,000 over feet from the sky… but, the probability would definitely be lower than striking a lottery. So, bummer.
I had to endure the whole ordeal all the way to Austin… occasionally switching between pillows and my hands to mitigate the odor. You can just imagine my peril, fart gas in my seat, hangover and deprived of sleep… gosh. Luckily, it was just a 45 mins connecting flight… or I would have suffered brain damage for the lack of oxygen.
Lesson learnt - always take the aisle seat. If you happen to meet any weird people next to you, at least you can bail to safety…