Archive for February, 2004

February 29, 2004

when innovation goes wrong

Free gift… the ultimate bait to get more customers. That’s what I got when I bought 4 movie tickets on Friday. Free gifts. Nice isn’t it? But no. Instead of feeling nice, the gift that I got that night got me confused instead. Instead of getting conventional stuff like a pen or perhaps a food voucher… I was given 2 bars of soap. Soap! Sabun!

Now, who in his right mind would think of giving out bars of soap as free gifts in a cinema? And to make matter worse, the soap also smelled weird. It smelled like some canned fruit cocktail… or something like that. I took a careful look at the soap wrapper, and saw a very disturbing picture of a fruit. “Rambutan! Oh my god!” Emily exclaimed hysterically. But no, it wasn’t rambutan on the wrapper. It was LYCHEE! A lychee scented soap! (if you don’t know what a lychee is ..nevermind)

Why the fucking hell would anyone create a LYCHEE SCENTED soap!? I mean, aren’t soaps suppose to smell nice?? so that when we finished cleaning our body with it, we wouldn’t reek of our own sweat and perspiration? Now imagine that someone were to wash him/herself with a lychee scented soap and his/her friends would compliment “Oooh… you smelled like a… lychee”? Add a ‘bye’ behind the word if you like. Ridiculous… isn’t it?

Damn, it’s really a bad thing some stupid people tries to be innovative. I wonder what next, a belacan scented soap? langsat scented soap? Why can’t they just stick to the conventional nice flowery scents? What is wrong with these people?

And also, I noticed that we almost have everything with ‘menthol’. People seems to like it a lot. Well, I like it too… but only on certain products like toothpaste or maybe our good old hair shampoo… But not just anything, you get what I mean?

Like this body shampoo I was using. It happened when I was scrubbing myself with that bottle of free gift body shampoo as usual in the shower… and then I had the sudden urge to take a shit. I spent a good 1 minute over on the toilet bowl with suds still all over my body… crapping my intestines out. But little did I realize that the body shampoo has menthol in it, and before I could even finish crapping, I started to experience this uncomfortably cool sensation all over my balls, and when it spread to my bunghole, I had to cut the crapping business short and started to rinse off the suds before my balls freeze over. Not a very pleasant experience, I’d say.

So, basically, everyone has to accept the fact, that sooner in the future, everything will be mentholated and shit. We’re probably also going to have menthol on condoms, doctor’s anal examination gloves or even your broadband modem… just anything that you can imagine. And they probably will smell of lychee as well. That was when innovation goes wrong.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
February 28, 2004

adventure in beauty parlor

I accompanied my wife Emily to a beauty parlor yesterday. She actually wanted to inquire about a skin care product that she bought lately, so while she was doing that, I took a seat at the foyer to check some girls out. It was before long, one of the beauticians there came over to me and asked, “Have I seen you before? You look familiar…”

The moment I hear those words, I concluded the following :

She’s one fucking dumb bitch. — Many people may have seen me before. How the fuck would I know if she’s one of them?

In fact, I knew there was a hidden intention behind that question. It was aimed at my wallet. Specifically, my credit cards. No shit we haven’t met before. She was just trying to chat me up, and when if we ever got friendlier, she’s going to ask me buy some of her expensive but useless product. Fuck that.

“No, I don’t think we have met before. I’ve never been into any beauty parlor in my life.”

“I thought you are one of my customers maa. Interested in any treatment?” [Aha!]

I gave her that “excuse me please ?” look before replying her –

“In case you failed to notice – I’m a guy. Guys don’t wash their face with a few thousand types of chemicals.”

“Well, guys have to care for their face also maa… right? ”

“Of course we do. We use a soap. Ever heard of soap?”

“No no, soap won’t be able to remove blackheads… pimples… etc… you have to use this that bla bla… ”

I started to get really uneasy when she preached me about face care with some of her exotic terms and shit. The feeling was like, standing in front of a bunch of naked androgynous cultists who want me to join their lost cause. I didn’t stay to be pecked of course, so I directly made a beeline to the exit and disappeared, leaving Emily behind.

As I was trying to start my car, about 5 or 6 of them came to block my car, broke the windscreen and dragged me out like a rag doll. I tried to gouge an eye out of one of them, but I was grossly outnumbered and had no choice but to submit to their whatever malicious intent. I was then tied and brought into their hidden enclave inside, and repeatedly raped with their cosmetics laden clits.

Alright, that was just something to fuck with you (if you couldn’t tell). I bailed out of the place alright, leaving Emily behind. But she caught up with me outside and we got the fuck out of there.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
February 27, 2004

kotex the pigeon girl

As we all know, men are always fascinated with women’s body. For girls – having a great looking set of hardware and a perfect body shape means, having high self esteem and towering confidence. It gives them the much coveted attention… social status… and unlimited advantages that money can’t buy. You get the idea.

But not all girls are that fortunate to be blessed with such perfection. Kotex is one of them. Who is Kotex? Kotex is a young girl who works in my company which I’m going to tell you about. You see, if this Kotex girl were to stand straight and lean against a broom closet, no one would be able to differentiate her from a broomstick. She’s basically like a barren land with no water. She has a body with no fun parts to play with at all. Airport. Flat rear. But then, she does have an ok face… so, it kind of balance out the odds.

But Kotex doesn’t want to be just another girl next door. She wants people to think her as a hot entity. To be airport and nearly devoid of a functional ass (errmmm, an ass’ for groping, right?), is something that she cannot live with. So, she worked out a solution herself. She changed her posture, in a way she thought that will create an illusion to unsuspecting guys that she is well endowed – by deliberately stick out her chest to the front, and pull her derriere to the far back (an ‘S’ shape, if you can imagine)

So, whenever there are guys in proximity, this Kotex girl will assume that ‘S’ posture, and would plod around like she’s doing a catwalk. It was both hilarious and disgusting at the same time. Her posture was so downright ridiculous, that it reminded me of an advice given to me by my physiotherapist – wrong posture could lead to many kinds of health problems… like back ache, arthritis, osteoporosis, bronchitis, halitosis, tuberculosis, syphilis…. just.. anything that ends with -is.

And because she had to stick out her chest so far in front, she’ll actually need to walk faster to counter the forward tilt, and to maintain that balance, she will also need to bob her head (like a pigeon) *The science behind why pigeons bob their head while walking — their leg and posterior was situated too far behind from the head, that they actually have to bob their head to maintain the balance

But she do not walk like that. She would just tilt forward and walk faster. She’s like, risking her health for the sake of having that artificial look. Gosh. All these for the attention of the opposite sex. She could have chosen to streak across the office, it would have had the same effect… minus the health hazard. Or perhaps, she could use some rubber buffer inside her bra… or a few boxes of Kleenex as the cheaper alternative…

Such is the mentality of women nowadays. *shakes head.*

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off
February 26, 2004

from hero to zero

Circa 1991. I was riding on a motorcycle with my childhood buddy – Wai. Both of us didn’t have a license to ride back then because we were still kids. But we’d get our fathers’ motorcycles during the weekend to ride around the off traffic network of dirt roads around the village.

It was business as usual for both of us that particular weekend afternoon – we rode to the further edge of the village to perfect our wheelie skills. When we were done having our dosage of fun, we rode home through a less traveled path, but one that was frequently traveled by both of us. We were riding side by side without our helmets… doing about 60 kph, and were chatting. But when we came round a curvy stretch of the road, we suddenly met a fucking kid riding a cheap ass bicycle right in the middle of the road. At 60 kph at a curve, and the proximity of the stupid kid, it was impossible for us to brake our bikes in time. So we did what was necessary and out of reflex – we dove our bikes off the road into some bushes to avert a potential catastrophic collision.

Wai went to the left and I went to the right, and everything went blur after that. All I knew was seeing myself airborne and landed hard on the ground, and also the loud crashing sound of my father’s motorcycle. I didn’t know how it happened but, it was pretty nasty. When I got up from the fall, I noticed a few things around me,

1) my father’s bike was badly wrecked several meters away. The gear pedal was bent backwards and the brake jammed.
2) my knee was bleeding profusely.
2) Wai, was nowhere to be found, but his bike was in someone’s compound.
3) a group of villagers was advancing towards our direction.
4) the kid was unscathed, but he was wailing like somebody had just punched him in the face.

I thought my friend Wai had ran off on foot, freaked out perhaps. So I shifted my attention to my father’s bike, that looked as if it had just been ran over by a truck. I was still groggy from the crash and the first thing that crossed my mind was to fix that goddamn gear/brake, and to cover up as much as I can, or my father’s going to kill me.

I made a beeline towards a nearby house to borrow some tools – but I was instead yelled by a housewife for riding recklessly around that area. Already feeling nervous about my impending fate awaiting at home, I cussed back at that lady “Damn old cunt” and went back to my bike. That was when I heard the commotion from the advancing villagers, saying that ‘there is another guy unconscious in the bush’. I was like, “Shit, that must be Wai”. Sure enough, it was Wai. I saw a man pulling him out from the bush and carried him to a nearby clearing.

I wanted to help but, there were already a few of the villagers there helping him. I figured that I couldn’t be of much help anyway, so I decided to go off on my own – to fix my bike especially – and went back to attend the wrecked bike… made a few crude adjustments and finally managed to get that thing back on its wheels.

On my way pushing the bike out of there, I encountered some irritating housewives in pajamas jeering at me, but I ignored them – for I was too worried about the bike to give a fuck about anything else. The kid was unharmed… and that was the most important thing –> hell, that’s a hero’s mentality.

I pushed my father’s bike for about a good 200 meters, before reaching in front of a house with an old man out at the compound. I requested to borrow a hammer to work on the gear pedal from the old man, and unlike those good for nothing housewives, the kind old man obliged.

Having gotten a hammer, I started to work on the bike immediately, and while I was busy working on it, a middle aged man who resembled George Harrison suddenly approached me from nowhere and asked me a few questions:

“Are you ok boy? do you need to go to the clinic or something?”
“I’m ok thanks… but my bike’s not doing good”
“What actually happened back there?”
“We were just riding like usual… and then there’s this fucking stupid kid standing right in the middle of the road”
“And then?”
“What do you think, uncle? We avoid him lah! And crashed.”
“Oh… ok”
“That stupid kid’s parents ought be put to sleep for letting him stray on the road like this… cheeeebyee… ”
“Do you happen to see my friend? I saw him passed out back there, do you know how is he doing?”
“He got a bad gash on his forehead. Need some stitches… someone already sent him to the clinic”
“What about that kid? Is he alright?”
“Yeah… he’s doing good. Just shocked… still crying”
“Fucking kid. Not even a scratch… cry like a sissy some more”
“Do you happen to know the kid’s parents? Perhaps you can yell at them or something…”
“Errrr… I’m actually the kid’s father”

I was stunned and speechless after learning about the fact that George Harrison was the kid’s father. With a beet red blushing face, I dropped the hammer and immediately bailed the place out of sheer embarrassment. I got a great deal of scolding from my father after that… but what hurt me the most was – to become back to zero for scorning the kid’s father without the blink of an eye.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off

in the middle of the night

I was suddenly awakened from my deep sleep by some shrill howling noise last night. I wasn’t very sober at that time and kinda wondered where did the sound come from. It stopped for a while. And when I was about to resume my sleep, the howling came back again. This time, it really freaked me out and goosebumps started to pop up all over my body.

Then, as I started sober up, I realized that the noise actually came from the person who was sleeping right next to me. Emily. Great. Questions after questions began to cram up in my flustered mind. Why is she howling like that? Am I suppose to do something now? What the fuck is going on here? I don’t know.

I was unsure if I should turn her over to check if she is ok. What if she happens to look like that demonic looking Linda Blair in the movie Exorcist? Or worse, accompanied with a question from her “Mike, do you still love me?”. That would be hell of a situation.

I turned her over nevertheless… nope, she looked fine. No sign of Linda Blair. But her mouth was wide agape doing the howling noise – which by then, had already kept me awake for what it must be about 2 – 3 minutes. I felt inclined to do something about her howling because it was keeping me awake. I needed the sleep. So, I decided to nudge her until she’s half awake and reset whatever she’s doing.

But before I can actually do that, she suddenly raised her hand and repeatedly smacked me on my face. Not actually a hard smack but, sort of like a slow motion tired smack… piak piak piak… while howling like a wolf. It suspiciously looked as if she enjoyed it a whole lot, but I was positive she wasn’t sober at all. My mind was blank and obviously didn’t know how to react… and her smacks were getting harder each time.

I reckoned that she must be having some kind of an exciting dream that involves swatting somebody in the face, and I just hoped that it wasn’t me in that dream, because I was already unlucky enough to be her real victim in the real world.

Anyway, I was determined to make it all stop by grasping the hand that smacked me, and got hold the other one too – in case she felt like balancing it up using the other hand. Somehow, during that particular moment, I felt that the situation was downright funny and I burst out laughing. I could not imagine what would my neighbors think… to hear sounds of howling and hysterical cackle coming out from my room… right in the middle of the night.

She did not wake up at all during the entire episode. She stopped howling after about 1 minute and resumed sleeping peacefully. This is the first time I’ve ever encountered her doing things like this in her sleep. Maybe she was too stressed at work. When I told her what happened the next morning, she claimed that she totally had no idea about what she did. She just knew that she had a nightmare last night and nothing else. (yeah, more like my nightmare, instead of her’s.)

If she keep doing this every night, I might have to wear a full-faced helmet to sleep in future.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | Comments Off