Archive for January, 2004

January 13, 2004

happiest moment

What’s the happiest moment one can ever experience in a day?

For some environmentalist – to be able to see the green of the trees and smell the freshness of the air.

For some naturist – to be able to see his own dick/nipple get hard enough to cut glass when caressed by the cold breeze of the public.

For workaholics – to know that they have another 8 hours of work yay!

For some very tired people – to be able to spend time in front of the tv after a hard day’s work.

For some people, it could be watching their flowers bloom in their own garden.

Some, to hear the birds sing in the morning. To wake up beside your loved ones. etc etc …

But for me … the happiest moment is to wake up in the middle of the night… and realize that I have 4 more hours of sweet sleep before I have to wake up for work.

That’s what happened to me this morning. Very early morning.

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January 12, 2004

rodent’s dilemma

Last Saturday, while Emily and I were loitering around the shopping mall before our movie, we stumbled into one of her friends – let’s call her Rodent. Rodent was together with her beefcakey husband, which was about the size of The Rock. Now… what about Rodent? She reminded me of something she had said a few months back. Something that possibly elucidated the true thoughts of modern females. Guys… take special note of what I am about to unravel here.

Before Rodent got married to The Rock, she actually had a girl-talk with Emily… that she was unsure whether she wanted to marry The Rock. Well, of course, Emily would console her with the usual nice words that a friend would say — that The Rock is stable (hhyeahh… hard, heavy and lower center of gravity… kidding – he’s actually a Financial Controller of some big company and is super-rich)… that she should have more faith in her own taste… etc. But Rodent kept on lamenting about how she didn’t know him well enough and stuff. She told Emily that The Rock was too good of a person for her. Eg, he doesn’t smoke… doesn’t imbibe… has shitloads of patience… is compassionate (wouldn’t kill even a mosquito)… earns five figures… and is as cool as Jay Chou. (I thought he must be gay but, that’s just my opinion). And that’s where the problem lies.

The Rock is too ‘perfect’. Too good to be true. As a result of that, whenever Rodent goes out with The Rock, she will not act like her usual self. She’d want to be match his perfection by acting good, and unnatural. It’s like putting on a mask everytime she was with him… you know, being suave and shit. And most of the time, their date would be as boring as watching moss grow inside a sewage pipe… and laden with stupid formal jokes. All these formal and chivalry business made her felt awkward and even to the brink of suspecting that The Rock was trying to hide his true identity. And in a weird twist of situation, it makes her feel insecure about the relationship.

Emily then asked her “What do you want then… bitch ?” (alright, I added the word ‘bitch’. It sounded good in that question). Rodent told Emily that – all she wanted was an honest and natural relationship. A relationship that would make her feel comfortable and free (If I’m Emily, I would have asked her to marry a sanitary pad with wings). She would like to have an honest relationship with The Rock, just like Emily and me. (awwww…)

So, why would she think that Emily and I have the most ideal relationship? She said that Emily and I are the most natural couple she had ever seen in her life. She liked the way we farted in front of each other and how we laughed about it. She liked the way we facetiously flicked boogers and chase each other without afraid of tarnishing our own image. She liked the way both of us yelled obscenities openly at errant drivers and conspired an imaginary torture for them. It was all natural and we do not have to pretend to be someone else each time we’re together. Although it was a bit disturbing the way she described Emily and I… but I have to admit, that it has got to be the sweetest compliment from a friend I’ve ever heard…

So, what did she actually want? I wasn’t too sure but, I think she wants The Rock to fart in front of her… smear his boogers on her clothes… yell FUCK out loud at errant drivers… and tell her obscene jokes. Or maybe she wanted someone of her own to squirt her zits. *shrugs*. If every girl in this world are thinking the same like her, I guess pleasing a woman isn’t a hard thing to do after all… as we guys are already hardcoded to do those stuffs when we’re on our own.

Rodent finally got married to The Rock a few months after the confession… because The Rock finally broke his propriety by farting in front of her… and they lived happily ever after that.

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January 11, 2004

“Paycheck” (2003)

My national past time now has changed to watching movies. For the 5th million time, I went to watch movie again last night – Paycheck – starring Ben Affleck.

What can I say about the movie? Lame casting. Of so many pretty Hollywood actresses, they chose Uma Thurman to be the lead actress. Uma Thurman is ugly man. She has a lot of pockmarks on her face. They reminded me of some filthy concrete surface of a monsoon drain.

I mean, they could have used someone like Claudia Schiffer (I always have difficulty to pronounce her last name) or maybe Natalie Imbruglia in this movie… it would have been much better. But then, cost was probably the concern. Uma might have volunteered for the role for free… and thus cheaper to produce that movie. Shrugs.

Don’t watch this man, stay away from it.

My next target – “The Last Samurai”…

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January 10, 2004

someone tried to scare me…

I was caught in the heavy traffic today and came behind this Peugeot 406 driven by a guy. This car… was doing exceptionally slow right at the center of the 2 lanes. I was at the overtaking lane (right lane) behind the car. The driver was like, couldn’t make up his mind on which lane to go. There wasn’t a car in front of his and there were much more vehicles piling up from behind. He was no doubt, hogging the traffic.

So, I did a maneuver to overtake his car… but halfway doing that, the motherfucker honked me. I don’t really understand why did he do that but, it actually got me real pissed. I should be the one to honk him, not the other way round… fuck. I reciprocated by showing him the middle finger and gave him a honk back. When I could see him from my window, I lip sync-ed the word ‘fuck you’ to him and sped off.

But the guy decided he had not had enough and tail gated my car from behind very closely. He probably thought that would make him look very badass and I’d be freaked out or something. Right… so I acted like I was scared. When I am scared, I usually reflexes by braking hard… and that’s what I did. I braked hard. My maneuver made him almost sway into the left lane (we were speeding at the right lane). Then, I braked several times more. I could tell that he had quite a few shocks of his life swerving into the next lane almost hitting a boner. He finally back off after I braked for about 4 – 5 times in front of him and slowed down to resume what he was doing before. Fucking jerk.

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January 8, 2004

unforseen ‘danger’

Chinese girls are especially nosy. Emily is no exception. 2 days ago, she spent some of her time checking out a Chinese zodiac program that purportedly be able to predict the luck & fortune of a person. Of course for a typical nosy Chinese girl like her, she would cross check her own zodiac… and almost naturally, her lover’s (which is yours truly).

While we were on our way home from work on that day, she reported her findings to me inside the car:

Emily : “Dear… I checked your zodiac with a program today… guess what it said?”

Me : “What did it say?”

Emily : “It said that in the coming new year, you will have plenty of ‘tou-fah-wan‘.”

Alright man, that was in Cantonese, and I do not know exactly how to translate ‘tou-fah-wan‘. Basically, it means plenty of luck with love/affairs/romance/girls. Of course, I don’t really believe it, because I’ve been having that luck all my life… and no shit that it’s a load of bullshit. But then, not for Emily. That was why, I decided to be very careful with my response to that matter,

Me : “Oh… that means… it wasn’t really that inaccurate ler… as I’m already with you… it would be impossible for me to meet another…”

Emily : “Hmmmm…”

Me : “You see, I have to wake up early in the morning to go to work… and by the time I reaches home, I would be too lazy to even lift my head. There’s simply not enough time left for girls.” [shakes head]

Emily : “You probably have that kind of exposure at your workplace maa…”

Me : “Dear… I work inside a lab… Even if I really have the luck, it would be only with spiders or mosquitoes… that’s because there aren’t any girls inside my lab.”

Emily : “How about your office?”

Me : “My office? They’re full of old aunties… it’s simply not possible at all…”

Emily : “Lunch time?”

Me : “My lunch members are all guys… dear.”

Emily : “Hmmm… maybe you’re right. That Chinese zodiac program couldn’t have been accurate.”

Phew. What a close call.

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