Archive for January, 2004

January 17, 2004

eric the disturbed : road hogging

Yesterday, Eric drove the gang out for lunch. He was doing only 30 – 40kph on the freeway, no cars in front. Needless to say, the number of cars getting hogged behind him started to grow in number, and I started to feel under pressure as I used to hoot road hoggers like Eric. I had to suppress myself from confronting Eric or say anything at all… I just pressed my palms together and closed my eyes… you know, controlled breathing and stuff, just so that I don’t get into the mad mode.

I did that until I reached my ‘Q’ point, where my thoughts became disoriented and felt really sorry for myself… then let it out – I yelled at Eric.

Me : “For fuck’s sake, Eric, drive faster… you’re hogging the goddamn road man…”

Eric did not answer me nor speed his car up as he should. I was like talking to a dead pig. Obviously, he was doing some thinking there, and I know, whenever he does that, he will slow the fuck down. Like he has only a finite resource to do one thing at a time… and if he’s thinking, the car will have to slow down. I commented further to BigSnake, who was sitting at the backseat together with Blackie:

Me : “Dude… how long do you think it will take to reach KL, if we were to appoint Eric as the driver? 8 hours?”

BigSnake : “Hard to say man… that’s a very difficult question. But for sure, it would be a bad idea to let him drive…”

Eric then quipped…

Eric : “It will take me 9 hours… heheheh”

BigSnake : “Hey… just concentrate on your driving lah! Can’t you just step on your accelerator harder? You’re driving way too fucking slow…”

Eric : “Relax man… my speed’s alright”

Blackie then intervened,

Blackie : “Yeah I agree… I think Eric’s driving at a very reasonable speed”

I was pissed at that statement

Me : “What the fuck?? 40kph on the freeway is reasonable?? You’re way beyond ridiculous, moron. He’s hogging the goddamn road!!”

BigSnake was on my side,

BigSnake : “Now I know why are there so many traffic jams… it’s because we have so many retards like both of you around…”

That was about the time BigSnake and I realized that half of our lunch members here are lame drivers. Hogging the road/freeway was only part of their life, and there are many more.

I wish to state this very clearly – we only take our lunch with these people… them and their fucked up driving has nothing to do with us, or me. Period.

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January 16, 2004

brows

I strongly believe that every part of our body exists for a good reason.

Our eyes – they let us see. Our brain – they let us think. Our ears – they let us hear. Our sex organs – they let us reproduce and have fun. Our legs – they let us go places and kick dogs. Etc.

But surprisingly, not many realize that. A lot of people nowadays like to change or modify themselves (physically) to the extend of obsoleting the actual function of their body parts – just for the sake of hype and fashion.

Recently, I’ve noticed some changes in one of my colleagues — which is Jude’s best friend called WC. WC used to be a petite and shy girl. The type that works very hard and doesn’t give a damn about her appearance. She’s not a good looking girl but has a very commendable personality.

Now what happened to WC ? She suddenly dyed her hair the color of a very old coconut shell (that type of brown)… and did something to her eyebrows. Well, I actually have no comment over the sudden change of her hair color but it was her “new” eyebrows that spooked me. She basically plucked her eyebrows off till it became very thin… and tweaked it using black india ink (or whatever they call the thing to draw their eyebrows). So badly tweaked that it looked as if she’s frowning even when she’s very happy.

Our eyebrows actually play a very important role in the mechanism of our facial expression. Through our facial expression, people will be able to know what are we thinking and what is our emotional status. So, when we tweak it, it’s sort of like causing it to go out-of-spec… and probably would not be as efficient as it was meant to be. It’s the main thing that segregates us humans from those expressionless animals.

Anyone seen a dog with a pair of eyebrows before? How about a cat? And because they don’t have an ability to contort their eyebrows / facial muscles to make an expression – they have limited ability to communicate amongst themselves.

Take for example… cows. The way they communicate are just limited to a monotonous ‘moo’. And probably the most… would just be a longer ‘moo’… or a higher pitched ‘moo’… which could sound like ‘meeeee’ to some people. Now, add eyebrows and some ability to make facial expression. Their monotonous ‘moo’ can be translated as ‘moo ?’… when a cow makes that one sided eyebrow lift (ala The Rock style). See the advantage of having a pair of eyebrows?

So, why tamper with it? Is it that some people prefer to be like a cow? Or prefer to have a permanent fake expression etched on their face to deceive us guys? Very confusing indeed.
Alright, back to the topic of WC modifying her eyebrows.

I just don’t know how to explain my feelings when I saw WC’s set of eccentric eyebrows. It’s something between perplexed and laughing my ass off. But when I saw it, I just stood there astounded – and wondered why would she trade her natural brows to this ridiculously fake looking one. I dare not to ask her because it might just hurt her feelings.

Maybe this is just another little known behavioral deficiency of the female species … that men will never understand.

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January 15, 2004

unexpected adulation

The pretty nurse at the physiotherapy clinic attempted to start a conversation with me today. I wondered what prompted her to do so… Charm is definitely not the factor, as it was already there all these while. So, I reckoned that it must be something I did to my physical appearance today.

Nope.. I am very sure I did not wear any fragrance today. Nor did I wear anything nice on my body at all – just sandals, t-shirt and bermudas.

Maybe it could be the small amount of gel that I had applied on my hair that evening – which made my hair look somehow lustrous. If that was the case… then crikey indeed.

It’s amazing that such a small amount of gel, could actually enhance mankind’s chances of finding a possible mate in this harsh planet. The small effect of enhancement would then literally translates into the fact that mankind is prevailing its existence on this planet… by means of reproduction and carnal pleasure. Styling gel rawks!

I hereby would proclaim that styling gel (the super hard type) .. should be named as the Invention of the Century.

But too bad for the cutey nurse, I’m already attached to someone. Physiotherapy nurse… if you are reading this… don’t worry. Although you might not find someone as good as me… but I can assure you that there are still plenty of blokes out there that are probably 10% as impressive as I am… which is already waaaaayyy beyond the ideal requirement of a good mate.

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the worst cafeteria

My company has the worst cafeteria in the world. I suspected those things that they serve inside the cafeteria are the recycled waste from the clogged monsoon drain during the flood prevention campaign by the state government. They are serving garbage instead of proper food.

They always serve the same shit everyday – fried rice vermicelli, fried noodles and some really lame nasi lemak. There’s a roti canai stall too but they’re barely edible. The roti canai‘s are rigid like mouse pads and the gravy’s diluted with tap water. And all of them are served with so much grease that it could generate enough electricity to electrocute a few hundred idiots and morons at my workplace.

Each morning, I will have my most unpleasant time having breakfast at that screwed up cafeteria. And because the production schedule is also not any less screwed up, I sometimes have to endure the crowd of operators rushing for their ridiculously short break as well. That was when I wish I’d not be inside the cafeteria to meet them head on, for I would be mobbed and drowned in that herd of stampeding cannibals. Fuck. *picture yourself attempting to scoop a plate of noodles in the middle of the orcs warscene in Lord Of the Rings.

This morning, I had the worst of both sides. The operators changed their break schedule again. When I reached the canteen, it was already full of those orcs. As usual, the amount of food served was meager, and with so many of them out there, the food was scavenged clean in matter of minutes. Some of them took so much food, that one might mistaken that they are buying them to be sent to feed some famine victims somewhere.

So, what was left for me to eat? – leftover bean sprouts and crumbs. As I was about to commit an arson to the cafeteria, suddenly, the kitchen helper brought out a tray of fried vermicelli. Without giving a second thought, I scooped a plate (some of the orcs start to rush towards my direction to grab that tray of fried vermicelli) and then quickly fled to the pay counter. I barely made it alive out there, but the food tasted like crap anyway.

It’s sad having to endure this kind of predicament everyday. If your elders happen to tell you the story about the WW II food rationing days, tell him/her that it still happens today at someone’s workplace. My workplace. Goddamn. I think I’m going to double my complains to the management about this.

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January 14, 2004

libra : miss wong

I suddenly recalled of an incident…

It was circa 1992, while I was working as an intern during my school holidays for an advertising firm (called Libra), my colleague Johnson summoned me to the office to meet him there. Located 3 floors below the workshop (where I was working), I capered down happily into the office. Johnson was standing near the office entrance and then gave to me a bunch of documents. Note: my back was facing the entrance.

Johnson : “Hey Mike… can you get these documents to Miss Wong?”
[Johnson was my supervisor and a friend]

Me : “Sure dude. But I need to know who is Miss Wong first. I have no idea who she is. And also tell me, where to find her?”

Johnson : “You don’t know who is Miss Wong? Where have you been, kid? You remember that tall lady? The one with glasses?”

Me : “Hmmm… nope… that doesn’t ring a bell. How does she look like? Is she hot? heheh” *wink wink*

Johnson : “She’s the boss’s first wife… haven’t you seen her before? The one who sits at the 3rd floor office desk?”
[Believe me or not… the boss has 2 wives working in Libra… and they are not hostile towards each other]

Me : “Is it the one who always come up to our workshop? That skinny lady?”

Johnson : “Yes. That’s her. That’s the Miss Wong I’m talking about…”

Me : “Oooooh… that damn old hag is it? Why can’t you just describe properly next time goddamn it? Addressing her ‘Miss Wong’ is very misleading man… she’s so old, wrinkled and saggy like that. You should address her as Aunty Wong next time… Hahahh”
[I actually quoted ‘see lau ee‘ in Hokkien – which literally translates to ‘damn old hag’]

Johnson was quiet and did not respond to me at all. His face was as livid as a fish’s belly and his cheeks were intermittently twitching. I initially thought that he must be having a spontaneous food poisoning or something (you know, shit happens). Or maybe he didn’t like my crude and derogatory remarks about Miss Wong, he must have liked her too much I guess. I was like staring at him for approximately 2 seconds. But he’d just stand there without saying a thing.

It was then, I realized that there was somebody standing behind me… because I could see Johnson’s eyes were fixated to something behind me. When I turned around expecting not the worst, I saw Miss Wong looking at me with a cold hard look. She was emotionless, you know, like she had a thousand thoughts running through her mind at that very second. Like a dog. What happened next was pretty blur to me. I kind of forgotten how I reacted but, it was pretty embarrassing.

I just remember that I immediately gave her the documents without saying a thing… and skedaddled the hell out of there, up a few flights of stairs to the workshop. In just 10 – 20 minutes, the news was widespread like a wild fire in workshop and the office. The fellowship of colleagues can be heard laughing like jackasses upon learning about the blunder I had… while I waited with bated breath for the worst to happen.

But it never happened. Miss Wong took it with such a steady sport. In matter of days, it was all forgotten and Miss Wong even treated me a great lunch when I left the company after the holidays. Maybe, Miss Wong wasn’t such a bad person I thought she was after all.

I had plenty of crazy and funny experiences during my employment at Libra. I would be blogging more about it under the title Libra : something

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