Archive for January, 2004

January 20, 2004

fire

Kids are obsessed with fire. No doubt about that. I am no different from them when I was a kid. I did many crazy and stupid things with fire back then. And always do it when I am with my cousins – I never actually did it alone. Maybe part of the reason was, we knew nobody will believe anything when there was no one around to witness your feat.

The sight of fire burning anything… was a mesmerizing sigh for our immature brain. Explosions and the destruction caused by fire were the coolest thing. To us kids (then), fire were the root of all evil and all cool things combined. And it costs only 70 cents to buy a lighter.

Following were the stuffs I did with fire when I was a kid :

1) cooked with a discarded pot. We dumped everything we could find into it. Wild berries, earthworms, ladybirds, candles, leaves, mangoes, etc.

2) burnt a hole on a neighbor kid’s shirt and laughed out loud (with my cousins) during Chinese New Year. My cousin ended up paying that kid 10 bucks for the damage.

3) detonated a drum of diesel (it probably wasn’t diesel, but it looked like diesel) during Chinese New Year. We weren’t there when it exploded. We started the fire and bolted off – only to discover it disintegrated to pieces the next day.

4) dumped firecrackers into a mailbox full of letters during Chinese New Year. It was fun to see smokes billowing out from the gaps of the mailbox.

5) burnt a pile of discarded newspapers inside a big metal container. When the fire became too big, we had to put it out using a fire extinguisher. Once fired the extinguisher, the metal container exploded due to the built-up pressure inside… and the whole place eventually became charred with carbon debris… including ourselves.

6) lit and dumped firecrackers into drain cracks where a big community of roaches known to dwell. Even poured kerosene to torch the hole up. But it didn’t work due to lack of oxygen.

7) wrapped crackers in newspapers and lit them up before dumping into the drain. When it exploded inside the drain, we would be so awed to it blast the drain water everywhere from the explosion.

8) shot countless of firecracker rockets (during CNY) at countless dogs and cats in the neighborhood.

9) shot countless of firecracker rockets at neighborhood kids. When they shot us back, we would engage each other like we’re in a war…

And much more that I’ve forgotten.

I felt so lucky to be alive and in one piece after all those mischievous deeds I did together with my cousins from hell. Maybe part of the reason was, because I’m smart. All the kids back then were smart. We knew about the risks of playing with fire… and always did them with proper manipulation. We did not take any unnecessary risks.

But the main culprit isn’t probably the fire. The main culprit is the fact that when kids got together, they do dangerous stuff that they don’t normally do when they’re alone. Just watch out for them. Especially during Chinese New Year… when kids would turn into little devils… destroying everything with fire…

To all the wonderful people out there … have a happy and safe Chinese New Year.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off
January 19, 2004

the envelope

My mobile phone suddenly rang. I saw a very familiar number I once knew. It was the number that once made my stomach go antigravity. Yes… it was that familiar number that I used to hope of seeing on my mobile phone screen. But that was many years ago.

“yeah.”
“is that u mike ?”
“u are calling my number. who else could it be?”
“u sounded different”
“ooh… yeah… i’m having a throat infection. don’t worry about it.”
“can i come over to your place ?”

It was a very cold and piercing question. Why would she want to come over to my place? She left me many years ago and now wants to come back? Who does she think I am? A bus station? Come and leave just like that? That’s my dignity in question here.

“why would you want to come over after all those means things u’ve done to me?”
“i wanted to give… something to you…”
“and what the fuck is it?”
“look… can I just come over?”
“u did not answer me..”
“YOU’LL KNOW IT WHEN I’M OVER AT YOUR PLACE… GODDAMN IT!”
“alright… alright… come over.”

A thousand and one questions began to dance inside my addled mind. What is that thing that she wanted to so urgently pass to me? Has this got anything to do with the rumors that has been circulating around my ring of buddies?

Oh… I suddenly felt so bleak, that I had the sudden urge to take a dump. Without much procrastination, I went to the nearest toilet to blast my intestine out. When I returned, she was already there. Standing beside my office table holding a very shiny and sparkling envelope.

“Shit”, I thought.

“hi mike. it’s been a while since we met”
“ok… now what brings you here ?”
“here… **passes me the envelope**… I’m getting married.”
“…”
“so, will come to my wedding?”
“who’s the bastard?”
“cmon mike… get over it already! it has been so many years, and you’re still like this!”
“don’t make me ask again… WHO IS THAT BASTARD??”
“U know .. u could have just opened the fucking card and find out yourself instead of yelling…”
“alright! I’m gonna open the fucking envelope now!”

I peeled the envelope with rage, and opened the card. The smell of cheap perfume wafted into my nostrils, and I’ve got tears welled up in both my eyes. Not because of the cheap perfume but, it was because of the name I dreaded of seeing – my best buddy,PuffDaddy. So the rumors were true about both of them.

“you contemptible whore! I hope you get plenty of syphilis marrying PuffDaddy!!”

And I converted all my anger into an utterly might of uppercut under her jaw – shattering some of her teeth. Her set of teeth now looks like a gearbox groove. Then, when she was writhing in agony on the floor, I grabbed her by the hair and gave her a pile drive from my office table – which caused her hair to lose its integrity and messed up beyond recognition. She then did the Joe Pesci “alright stop stop” maneuver to save herself from more beatings…

“alright… stop… stop… mike… stop. U can wallop me all u want but, pls do not mess my hair next time… ok? I had it done for the wedding, alright?”
“you grotesque piece of shit! why has it got to be him!? why!? why!?”
“I… don’t know. It just comes with the feeling I guess”

She told me this while squinting her eyes to look for her missing teeth on the office floor. I suddenly felt sorry for her and my anger began to subside…

“I guess I’ll have to get my teeth done again. So, are you coming to my wedding or what?”
“Ok… I’ll try to make it if I don’t get too much hangover from my Chinese New Year party.”

She then left the office. And that could be the last time I see her… unless I plan to attend her wedding dinner.

The End.

*don’t worry… this story is fictional. Just stretching my imagination as I’ve got nothing to do in the office..*

michaelooi  | imaginations  | Comments Off

smart doggy

While stopping for a red light this morning, I saw a black dog walking slowly by the road side. When that dog reached the 3 way junction, it stopped walking. I could tell that the dog wanted to cross the road, but instead of looking out for cars, the dog looked at the traffic lights.

I thought I might have mistaken that as it was still very early in the morning, but I was right. The dog did indeed look at the traffic lights. When the traffic light changed to red and all cars stopped, the dog nonchalantly crossed the road and taking his own sweet time doing it. I was shocked shitless. I pointed out to Emily in disbelief “Look dear. I have never seen such a dog crossing the road in such a cool manner before…”. *Dogs normally storm across the road when they have the opportunity… because they know to get hit by a car/truck is not a good thing. Some dumber dogs would storm without even looking… and often ended up as meat gunk on the road.*

After crossing the road, that dog waited for another light to turn red (for the other direction), for which, he again nonchalantly crossed in front of a few motorcyclists and cars. Emily quipped “That dog actually knows about traffic lights! damn!” Without a doubt man, that has got to be the smartest dog I’ve ever seen in my life!

So what if a dog knows how to poop at proper places? So what if a dog knows how to catch a frisbee? Do you really think that’s smart? Well, check this black dog out – now that’s what I call smart. I suspect it’s even smarter than Rob.

This kind of intrigued me a bit, as I often encounter bad experiences with human pedestrians.

There was once, I almost hit a housewife who was crossing a road. It happened when I wanted to overtake a very slow moving van, when I suddenly saw that goddamn housewife who was standing right in the middle of the traffic. She was lucky that my reflex was good, for I managed to yank the steering fast enough… which almost caused me an accident with a divider. And the irony of all, there was actually a giant pedestrian bridge right above where we were… So, compared to this black dog, the housewife should actually be that dog’s pet instead…

The dog is a living proof of an ongoing evolution. When our world gets developed, the animals surrounding it will eventually evolve itself to suit the ever changing environment. Sooner, you’d even see dogs getting paid to do some of our jobs… (and it’s happening already!)

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
January 18, 2004

neighbors – satan’s relatives

I was awakened by a violent knock on my front door this morning. Still suffering the hangover from the drinking binge the night before, I lazily schlepped over to answer the knock. It was an Indian lady… whom I recognized as the bitch neighbor who lives 2 floors beneath my apartment.

Me : “Yeah ?”

Bitch : “Eh… itu kereta nombor XXX kamu punya?”
[translation: is that car with the number XXX yours?]

Me : “Ermm yeah… it is my mom’s car. What seems to be the problem?”

Bitch : “You boleh adjust itu kereta ka?? Itu tempat untuk orang cuci kereta… kereta saya tak boleh masuk!”
[can you adjust your car?? That’s a carwash lot and I need to wash my car!]

Apparently, my ignorant mother parked at the carwash lot again, and she had gone out with my aunt. But I did not have her car keys with me at that time, so there was nothing I can do about the car. And that bitch wanted to wash her car, like, very desperately.

She was looking very pissed and was very rude when talked to me. Actually, I was not any less pissed too – partly because I was deprived of sleep, and secondly, she was yelling at me. But since I do not want any troubles, I tried to play it nice as I do not want to be ‘the unfriendly guy in the neighborhood’.

Me : “I’m really sorry about that but, my mom’s not in and I do not have her car key. Anyway, I’ll make sure she’s informed and move her car promptly.”

Bitch : “Ok”

And she left. I immediately called my mom on her cellphone after that, and gave her a good scolding. She told me that she was on her way home and it shouldn’t be long. So, I went back to my sleep. About 5 minutes later, I was crudely awakened again… this time, it was somebody honking the car. I went out to check the commotion, it was the same Indian bitch. She was honking her car like a lunatic, behind my mom’s static automobile.

Me : [irated] “What do you want?”

Bitch : “Eh… lu tak mau adjust lu mia kereta ke??”
[Eh… why haven’t you adjust your car yet??]

I was fucking pissed.

Me : “Didn’t I just tell you, I do not have the fucking keys! What do you want me to do now?? Why can’t you hold back your oh-so-important mission to wash your car until my mom comes back??”

Bitch : “Orang nak cuci kereta… tiap kali kena naik rumah kamu untuk cakap! Susah macam ni!”
[Each time I want to wash my car, I’ll have to come up to your place to ask you move your car! This isn’t right!]

Me : [super fucking pissed] “Go fuck yourself”

But I think she did not hear my cuss. What I could not understand was, why couldn’t she just fucking wait? I already told her I do not have the fucking key to my mom’s car. I wonder what was she expecting me to do, burn my mom’s car to ashes so that she can use the carwash lot??

And her car is just a 10 over years old Proton junk. And she fucking washes her car a few times a week… what kind of sadistic creature would wash its car a few times a week? (I only washes mine a few times A YEAR. And my car is much more expensive than her’s…) Only an uneducated yokel like her would do that (that explains why she couldn’t communicate in English…)

I hope this would be the last time of our encounter. The next time she yells or honks at me, I’m gonna wreck her fucking car up so bad that she won’t be able to wash it ever again in her miserable life.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off

incident at Nando’s

My friends and I had a rather unpleasant lunch at Nando’s yesterday, thanks to the screwed up crew who mixed up our orders. They mixed up the orders for a few times (what are the odds, hell), and had us wait for more than 15 mins. I was beginning to feel pissed of the multiple errs in a short period of time.

While we were waiting halfway through, the crew sent one of their hot waitress to come over to offer an apology. I wanted no troubles at all so, I accepted it with an assuring smile and told her that it was alright. The cuteness of that tall / sexy waitress actually played a significant role in calming me down, but most of it was because I quite a mellow guy in the inside. So, with a renewed experience, I continued to wait, until my order came… and for the 3rd time, they got my order wrong. Again. This time, I was really mad (the order was delivered to me by another waitress, who resembled some bug I saw on my apartment staircase which I do not know its actual scientific name). This time, it was the wrong sidedish. The following conversation then takes place :

Me : “Look… you first mixed up my order. Then, you mixed it up somemore. And then, you gave me the wrong sidedish. What exactly is your problem??”

Insect waitress : “Oh… I’m really sorry sir. We have a new cashier who took your orders wrongly and…”

I didn’t let her finish,

Me : “That’s not my problem, ok?”

Insect waitress : “I’m terribly sorry sir. Do you want me to change your sidedish?”

Me : “No thanks. I’ve had enough. I’ll just settle with this one. Just let me be and speed up the rest of the orders for my friends… ok?”

10 minutes passed, a couple of my friends’ orders were still nowhere in sight. We’ve waited for a total of more than 30 minutes. I then hollered for the insect waitress to come over and berated her for another round. This time, I was louder and meaner than before, and in the matter of seconds, our orders were fully served.

It was then, Emily commented

Emily : “Pity her. It was not really her fault… and was the one who got all the scoldings…”

I then retorted,

Me : “Dear… I’m not against her as an individual. I’m scolding her as a representative of Nando’s. I do not care if it was due to the new cashier or not. If one of them fails, they all fail as a team. She should take it as a Nando’s staff, not to get personal.”

Emily : “Well, why didn’t you pick someone else the second time? Why did you scold only her? Why not other waitresses or the guys?”

*danger alert*

Me : “Alright… maybe I was a bit biased. I could have picked to yell at the pretty waitress just now instead of that ugly waitress.”

Emily : “You’re a terrible person… do you know that?”

Me : “Well, I’m just another human being. Let’s say, if you were asked to hate someone… would you choose to hate a good looking person or a detestable ugly looking person? Which one of them is easier for you to hate? The answer’s obvious, right? That’s the advantage of good looks. Good looking people makes us harder to hate. So, instead of putting myself in such a dilemma, I chose the worst looking one to scold… so that I can do the scolding in a more efficient way. They all still fail as a team, it’s all the same.”

*not only I saved myself again .. but managed to prove a point in such a short period of time*

Emily : “Hmmm … I guess you’re right in some sense. Just look at her… sheesh, she’s getting scolded again by the other customers… This world is so unfair…”

Well, that’s the truth, like it or not. The world is not just unfair – it’s FUCKING unfair. The insect waitress could have easily set a record of ‘the most hated waitress in that Nando’s outlet’… just because she looks so damn ugly like that. The Nando’s management should have put her to work inside the kitchen… away from the public for the benefit of all, and let all those good looking chicks handle the customers. It’s a strategy that has already written in the books.

michaelooi  | happenings  | Comments Off