I took my lunch at the shitty cafeteria today … together with Blackie and my 2 other female colleagues — let’s call them Kim and Fake. I settled myself with a plate of chicken rice, while Blackie and Kim took Fish n’ Chips. Fake got herself a plate of Chicken Chop.

As shitty as it reputated to be, the cafeteria actually served the Fish without tartar sauce - they ran out of them. Blackie hoovered the fish without any sauce but poor Kim had to wait for about 10 minutes before she got herself some sauce.

So, by the time Kim start to work on her fish, I’ve already finished my lunch and hang around there for some chat. Then, my lab tech came to join our table …followed by a middle aged bloke (lab tech’s friend).

As I’ve got nothing to do, I decided to make Kim’s lunch more ‘interesting’.

Me : “Kim … did you know what does tartar sauce actually made of ?”

Kim : “No idea.”
[I have no idea too]

Me : “Well … it came from a cow.”
[I made that up]

Kim : “Which part of a cow ? The lard ?”
[she actually believed that ..]

Me : “No .. it’s from the cow’s vomit. Tartar sauce is actually cow’s vomit .. believe it.”

Fake : “You seriously think we’re gonna believe that ?”

Kim : “Hahah.. yeah right.” *continue to wolf the fish*

Me : “You know cow’s brain ? They dig it out and grind it to become Thousand Island dressing ..”

Kim : “I won’t get sick so easily ler … try harder.”

It was then, the middle aged guy gave a perplexed look and asked me “cow’s brain ? they really use cow’s brain ???”. His sheer stupidity actually made all of us at that table paused for approximately 2 seconds.. before the girls actually let out a simultaneous and boisterious laugh. Fake was pointing at that middle aged guy while laughing ..and Kim was laughing till some of her half chewed fish came dangling out from the corner of her mouth. The guy’s dignity was immediately drowned by the tears of our laughter.

His IQ level must have been equivalent of a lab rat. I never thought someone could actually believe that shit I’ve made up to gross the girls. Maybe it’s my charm that made the people around me convinced with the stuffs I’ve said. Or perhaps I’ve got the skill to act serious when I lied. Whatever the reason was, I think I should take this as a compliment.
After we’ve had enough laughing, I had to actually disclaim to that addled guy that it was actually meant to be a sick joke .. not something he should take seriously.

Yesterday, I went to look for my department’s cute admin (let’s call her “Cat”) to send a very important document to someone on the other side of the state. During the deal with her, I borrowed a pen to scribble some message onto the envelope … it was then, she began to ask some curious questions.

“Michael … are you a guitar player ?”
“No..I am not”
“How bout chinese organ ?” (she quoted as “ku chen”)
“Nope. I don’t play any musical instruments at all”
“Oh… then why u keep your nails so long for ?”

Obviously, it was an embarrassing question. I actually have no intention of any sorts to keep my 10 finger’s nails long. It’s just one simple reason — I am a lazy fart that doesn’t clip my nails until they broke off.
*if u have an idea that I have dirty nails, you’re wrong. I washes my nails everytime I go to the washroom .. so, it’s very clean and white.*

I then attempted to answer Cat’s curiosity, by telling her a lot of lies -

“I actually fancy keeping them. They make my fingers look longer”
“Really ?”
“Yeah .. and it’s also really useful when I want to do some of my delicate work”
“Oh ok. See my nails ? They’re very short.”
“You liar. I think u broke your nails coz u scraped your scalp for dandruff too much”
“No .. I clip my nails every time coz I play violin a lot”
“That’s why your fingers looked short and ugly..”
“Not as ugly as yours … ” (make faces)
“Well … at least I can scratch my back better with these nails ..”

And she proceeded to laugh out loud hysterically like a hyena across the office … triggering a massive head bobs from hundreds of cubicles. Sometimes, we can’t simply joke around with girls .. they’re so ‘unstable’…

On the first day of CNY, after finished having reunion lunch with my maternal relatives, I spent some time loitering in the crowded living room (at my grandparent’s house) pretending to be a noble guy - u know, checking the kids out … chatting with my unks and aunts …. reading magazines .. etc. It was pathetic. I was longing for either a good sleep … or a wild party … but the situation was neither one of those.

Then, I realized the TV was showing some mega action movie — the indisputable “Rambo III” ! I remembered it was once heck of a cool movie I enjoyed when I was a kid. So, I decided to get myself immersed with Rambo III instead of indulging myself in immoral activities like pretending to be a good guy.

I then took a good sit at the most strategic location in the big ass but crowded living room to get myself occupied for the next couple of hours. I was excited needless to say .. to expect seeing Rambo kicking asses after asses. But as the story progressed … I began to discover something very disturbing about the movie. I discovered that most of the actions were very cheesy and defied logic.

Then, I began to ask myself - how come I enjoyed the movie so much when I was a kid ? Well … it’s simple - the answer’s maturity. I am a grown up bloke now .. and my expectations have already made it’s way up to the sky. I see things differently now.

So, wtf is wrong with John Rambo ? Here’s a few key observations under a 26 yrs old guy’s eye :

1) it’s scorching hot under the Afghan sun… and Rambo’s having a Steve Tyler hairstyle above his muscular scalp. Guess what ? I suspect the guy’s got a hygiene problem. Well, maybe he’s a soldier & he’s exempted from being hygienic … fine. But how bout convenience ? We knew long hair causes problems like fringes getting in your line of sight ,… and this is especially important if you’ve involved in some serious shooting. And noticed that his hair always had the curl and waves .. never ever get out of shape. Damn that guy must’ve used a lot of hairsprays and gels … which is not possible to be bought anywhere near Afghan desert. Not logic.

2) again .. scorching hot under the sun. And this guy’s fighting his enemy half naked. The problem is … sun burn. If one were to stand under that fucking hot sun for more than 30 mins, expect to get your skin roasted. Not to mention the higher risk of getting dehydration, heat wave or skin cancer. Rambo defied logic once again … and I don’t dig that.

3) The Afghan dudes speaks English like university professors. Goddamn it. What the fuck is wrong with the adults that lived in the 80’s ? Why were they so docile and easily deceived by film-makers ?

4) Come to physics. That cool explosive-laden arrow that John used, is theoretically and practically .. impossible. Why ? Flight requires weight and force compensation. The heavier the weight, the more force it required to take flight. That explosive arrow-head was too heavy to be launched as a projectile using a bow. And too little explosive to trigger explosion of such magnitude. Also, from the way he dangerously stored his explosive laden arrows, he could have easily exploded himself into smithereens from the excessive shocks. They brought us false hope about bows and arrows.

5) Half naked John defeated a whole army of Russian troops who have tanks and Apaches (hmmm .. I thought Apaches belonged to the Americans). That’s still logical if John possess supernatural ability like Neo .. who can fly or stall bullets mid air. But this guy whacked them out as if he’s an immortal (half naked version). I don’t dig this shit.

Man, I can continue writing till dusk coz there’s so many bullshits about this movie.

Instead of enjoying myself watching Rambo III … I began to shout profanities at some of the absurd and illogical scenes/plots … which, indirectly blew my cover of being a noble dude. Rambo sux.

After having our Chinese New Year break for about 5 days, the Chinese community are finally back to their normal day of work. So, as scheduled, I went for my physiotherapy today

Pretty nurse : “Gong Xi Fa Cai ! Any angpow for me ?”

Me : “Heheh … errr …no …not qualified yet” (i frigging lied)

Pretty nurse :”Oh… you’re still single ?”

Me : “Eeheh.. yeah. Do I look like a married guy to u ?”

Pretty nurse : *giggles..*

Me : “I like the way u giggled”

Pretty nurse : *blush .. giggled more*

Me : “Say … what time ..aaa aaaa aaa *Sneeze!*”

Pretty nurse : “Ohh… u caught a cold ?”

Me : “Yeah … *sniff* … party too hard during the holidays.”

Pretty nurse : “U should take more vitamic C … and party less” *serious look on her face*

Me : “Awww… how sweet of u … *Sneeeeezeee!!!*”

And the next thing I knew, the contents that I’ve sneezed out (the phlegm and saliva alike..) were splattered all over the pretty nurse’ face. In that very second, that pretty nurse’ title had to be changed to sewer-rat nurse. Ughh.

Ok … I made all that up. Only some part of the conversation were true.
- I indeed caught a very bad cold
- the nurse indeed wished me GXFC and asked for angpow.
- the nurse indeed asked me to take more vitamic C when she found out bout my cold

The rest are what I’ve came up with when I’ve got nothing to do during the boring sessions of my physiotherapy.

This blog will be on hiatus for the next few days to give way for Chinese New Year celebration.

[edit at 6.20pm]
my itinerary :
21st Jan : work half day, sleep, reunion dinner (maternal relatives), temple, virtual casino, drink
22nd Jan : sleep very late, reunion lunch (maternal relatives), more virtual casino, drink, reunion dinner again, more virtual casino, drink again.
23rd Jan : sleep very late, reunion lunch (mom and sis), drive to Perak, drink, reunion dinner (emily’s family), drink, sleep very late
24th Jan : sleep very late, reunion lunch (emily’s family), drive back to Penang, reunion dinner (friends), virtual casino, drink
25th Jan : sleep very late, not sure if gonna have lunch, drink and virtual casino
26th Jan : sleep whole day
27th Jan : back to work.

that’s the tentative plan. subject to change.
my very colourful chinese new year. I’m sure.

[/finish editing at 6.25pm]