Archive for January, 2004

January 28, 2004

lunch at cafeteria

I took my lunch at the company cafeteria today with Blackie and my 2 other female colleagues — Kim and Faye. I got myself a plate of chicken rice, Blackie and Kim were having Fish n’ Chips. Faye got herself a plate of Chicken Chop.

As shitty as it reputated to be, the cafeteria actually served the Fish n’ Chips without tartar sauce – they temporarily ran out of sauce, and asked Blackie & Kim to wait. Hungry, Blackie hoovered the fish without the sauce but poor Kim had to wait for about 10 minutes before she got herself some sauce.

So, by the time Kim gets to start working on her fish, I had already finished my lunch and was hanging around there for some chat. That was when our lab technician came to join our table…followed by his middle aged guy friend.

As I had nothing to do then, I decided to make Kim’s lunch more interesting…

Me : “Hey Kim… let me ask you something, do you have any idea what does tartar sauce made of?”

Kim : “No idea.”

Me : “Well… let me give you a hint. It comes from a cow.”

Kim : “Comes a cow? Really? From its lard is it?”

Me : “No… not the lard. It is actually made from cow’s puke. Believe it girl…”

Faye : “You seriously think we’re going believe that?”

Kim : “Hahah… right. You’re so lame.” *continue to eat her fish*

Me : “It’s alright if you don’t believe me. You know Thousand Island dressing for your salad? They’re made from blended cow brain…”

Kim : “I’m not that gullible, you should try harder.”

But my bullshits caught some unexpected attention – the middle aged bloke who came with our technician. I noticed the guy first gave me this perplexed look and then asked me this – “Seriously, a cow’s brain? They really use a cow’s brain???”.

He was such a fucking stupid idiot. His remarks actually made all of us at that table pause for approximately 2 seconds… before breaking into a laughter. Faye was pointing at that guy when she was laughing… and Kim had some of her half chewed fish spurting out of her mouth.

I don’t know man, but I think his IQ level must be equivalent to that of a lab rat. I never thought someone would actually believe the shit I made up to gross the girls. Not especially from a guy who’s rife with experience and age. Anyhow, after we’ve had laughed enough, I made an effort to tell the guy that it was meant to be a sick joke… and he probably shouldn’t take it too seriously.

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Cat

Yesterday, I went to look for my departmental admin (let’s call her ‘Cat’) to send a very important document to someone on the other side of the state. I forgot to bring a pen, so I asked to borrow one from her, and that was when she noticed something about me…

“Michael … are you a guitar player ?”
“No… I am not”
“How about Chinese zither?”
“Nope. I don’t play any musical instruments at all”
“Oh… then why do you have such long finger nails?”

Obviously, I was caught off guard. I don’t actually have an answer for that question. The fact was, I’m just fucking lazy to clip my nails. I’d usually do it when one of them breaks off or something.
(disclaimer – if you somehow have an idea that my nails could be dirty, you’re wrong. I washes my nails everytime I go to the washroom… so, it’s very well maintained and clean)

I had to resort to bullshitting her…

“I actually fancy of keeping them. They kind of make my fingers look longer”
“Really?”
“Yeah .. and they are also handy for some of my delicate work”
“Oh ok. See my nails? They’re very short.”
“You liar. I think you broke your nails from scraping for dandruff too much”
“No… really, I clip my nails because I play violin a lot”
“That’s why your fingers look short and ugly…”
“Not as ugly as yours… ” (makes some face)
“Well… at least I can use them to scratch my back better…”

And she laughed hysterically like a hyena across the office… triggering a massive head bobs from hundreds of cubicles. Seriously, I don’t know what’s so funny about my remarks. Sometimes, we can’t simply make silly jokes around girls… they can be such a drag sometimes…

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January 27, 2004

“Rambo III” (1988)

On the first day of CNY, after I had finished my reunion lunch at my grandma’s house, I spent some time hanging out at the crowded living room pretending to be innocent and stuff – you know, checking the kids out… chatting with my uncles and aunties…. reading stupid magazines… etc. It was pathetic. I was longing for either a good sleep… or a wild party… but it wasn’t anywhere near either of those.

That was when I decided to fix my attention on the TV – it was showing “Rambo III”! Man, Rambo used to be my hero when I was a kid, you know. With all that muscles and cool attitude. So I decided to relive that childhood memories by following the show… at least it would get me occupied for a couple of hours, I thought. But things didn’t progress as smooth as I expected. Instead of enjoying the movie, I kept finding myself shitfucked in the head for digging this crappy movie. I kept asking myself, why was I so gullible to not see the problems in this movie? I don’t know, but my best guess is – I was immature. I’m more matured now. The idea is, if you show Rambo III to a bunch of Cro-Magnons, it’ll probably blow their mind off. Same here. Now that I’m wise and sophisticated, I am seeing things differently.

So, wtf is wrong with Rambo? Here are a few key spoofs I manage to observe in this flick alone:

1) it’s scorching hot under the Afghan sun… and Rambo’s having a Steve Tyler hairstyle above his muscular scalp. That’s probably not a very good idea. He’d sweat and his hair will breed a world of microorganism inside there. In the matter of days, he’d reek so bad, that he’ll suffocate under his own odor. And not to mention the inconveniences he’d face with such a hairstyle. He’d likely get a fringe or two in the his line of sight and miss a target or two. And this can be especially critical if your life depends on whether your target dies in the first shot, or is your gun’s going to be just a very loud attention seeking device. This is totally illogical.

2) Again… the hot sweltering sun. And this guy’s fighting his enemy half naked. The problem is… sun burn. If one were to stand under that fucking hot sun for more than 30 mins, expect to get some degree of burn on your outer epidermal layer. Not to mention the higher rate of dehydration. He wouldn’t have survived the first quarter of the battle without any engagement, what more to fuck the entire army with such exaggerated style.

3) The Afghan mercenaries and soldiers speak English like university professors. Goddamn it. What the fuck was wrong with the people in the 80’s? Why were they so docile and easily deceived by film-makers?

4) This is something about physics. That cool explosive-laden arrow that John used, is theoretically and practically… impossible. Why? Flight requires weight and force compensation. The heavier the weight, the more force it requires to take flight. That explosive arrow-head is too heavy to be launched as a projectile using just a bow. And too little explosive to trigger an explosion of such magnitude (if you can see that chopper explode, you’d think it has been hit by a missile instead of an arrow). Also, from the way he dangerously stored his explosive laden arrows, he could have easily blew himself into smithereens from the excessive shocks.

5) Half naked John defeated a whole army of Russian troops armed with tanks and Apaches (hmmm .. I thought Apaches belonged to the Americans). That could still be logical if John has some supernatural ability like the Incredible Hulk or something… who can rip wreck a tank with his bare hands. But this guy is just a deranged army veteran, nothing more.

Man, I can continue writing till the cows come home. There are so many bullshits in this movie.

So back to myself inside my grandma’s living room. Instead of enjoying myself watching “Rambo III” … I began to shout profanities at some of the absurd and illogical plots… which, indirectly blew my cover of being an innocent dude. Fucking Rambo.

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January 26, 2004

back to physio

After having our Chinese New Year break for about 5 days, the Chinese community are finally resuming to their normal life. So, as scheduled, I had to go for my physiotherapy today

Pretty nurse : “Happy Chinese New Year! Any angpow for me?” [angpow = red gift packets containing cash, very popular in Chinese customs]

Me : **Smiles** “Errrm… no… I’m not qualified yet”

I frigging lied.

Pretty nurse : “Oh… so you’re still single?”

Me : “Ahaks… yeah. Do I look like a married guy to you?”

Pretty nurse : **giggles..**

Me : “I like the way you giggled…”

Pretty nurse : **face blushes… giggles somemore**

Me : “Say… what time do you finish your shh.. aaa aaaa aaa **Sneeze!**”

Pretty nurse : “Ohh… you caught a cold, you poor thing.”

Me : “Yeah … **sniff**… partied too hard during the holidays.”

Pretty nurse : “You should take more vitamic C… and party less” **serious look on her face**

Me : “Awww… that’s so sweet of you… **Sneeeeezeee!!!**”

And the next thing I knew, her face was covered with slime and semi solid pieces of greenish mucus. She instantly lost the appeal of an angel… Ughh.

Alright… if you can’t tell, I made all that up. Only certain parts of the conversation are true.
– I indeed caught a very bad cold
– the nurse indeed wished me a Happy New Year and asked for an angpow.
– the nurse indeed asked me to take more vitamic C when she found out about my cold

The rest are fabricated by my idling mind during the boring session of my physiotherapy.

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January 20, 2004

hiatus

This blog will be on hiatus for the next few days in conjunction of the Chinese New Year celebration.

[edit at 6.20pm]
my itinerary for the week :
21st Jan : work half day, sleep, reunion dinner (maternal relatives), temple, virtual casino, drink
22nd Jan : sleep very late, reunion lunch (maternal relatives), more virtual casino, drink, reunion dinner again, more virtual casino, drink again.
23rd Jan : sleep very late, reunion lunch (mom and sis), drive to Perak, drink, reunion dinner (emily’s family), drink, sleep very late
24th Jan : sleep very late, reunion lunch (emily’s family), drive back to Penang, reunion dinner (friends), virtual casino, drink
25th Jan : sleep very late, not sure if gonna have lunch, drink and virtual casino
26th Jan : sleep whole day
27th Jan : back to work.

that’s the tentative plan. subject to change.
my very colourful chinese new year. I’m sure.

[/finish editing at 6.25pm]

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