January 27, 2004

“Rambo III” (1988)

On the first day of CNY, after I had finished my reunion lunch at my grandma’s house, I spent some time hanging out at the crowded living room pretending to be innocent and stuff – you know, checking the kids out… chatting with my uncles and aunties…. reading stupid magazines… etc. It was pathetic. I was longing for either a good sleep… or a wild party… but it wasn’t anywhere near either of those.

That was when I decided to fix my attention on the TV – it was showing “Rambo III”! Man, Rambo used to be my hero when I was a kid, you know. With all that muscles and cool attitude. So I decided to relive that childhood memories by following the show… at least it would get me occupied for a couple of hours, I thought. But things didn’t progress as smooth as I expected. Instead of enjoying the movie, I kept finding myself shitfucked in the head for digging this crappy movie. I kept asking myself, why was I so gullible to not see the problems in this movie? I don’t know, but my best guess is – I was immature. I’m more matured now. The idea is, if you show Rambo III to a bunch of Cro-Magnons, it’ll probably blow their mind off. Same here. Now that I’m wise and sophisticated, I am seeing things differently.

So, wtf is wrong with Rambo? Here are a few key spoofs I manage to observe in this flick alone:

1) it’s scorching hot under the Afghan sun… and Rambo’s having a Steve Tyler hairstyle above his muscular scalp. That’s probably not a very good idea. He’d sweat and his hair will breed a world of microorganism inside there. In the matter of days, he’d reek so bad, that he’ll suffocate under his own odor. And not to mention the inconveniences he’d face with such a hairstyle. He’d likely get a fringe or two in the his line of sight and miss a target or two. And this can be especially critical if your life depends on whether your target dies in the first shot, or is your gun’s going to be just a very loud attention seeking device. This is totally illogical.

2) Again… the hot sweltering sun. And this guy’s fighting his enemy half naked. The problem is… sun burn. If one were to stand under that fucking hot sun for more than 30 mins, expect to get some degree of burn on your outer epidermal layer. Not to mention the higher rate of dehydration. He wouldn’t have survived the first quarter of the battle without any engagement, what more to fuck the entire army with such exaggerated style.

3) The Afghan mercenaries and soldiers speak English like university professors. Goddamn it. What the fuck was wrong with the people in the 80’s? Why were they so docile and easily deceived by film-makers?

4) This is something about physics. That cool explosive-laden arrow that John used, is theoretically and practically… impossible. Why? Flight requires weight and force compensation. The heavier the weight, the more force it requires to take flight. That explosive arrow-head is too heavy to be launched as a projectile using just a bow. And too little explosive to trigger an explosion of such magnitude (if you can see that chopper explode, you’d think it has been hit by a missile instead of an arrow). Also, from the way he dangerously stored his explosive laden arrows, he could have easily blew himself into smithereens from the excessive shocks.

5) Half naked John defeated a whole army of Russian troops armed with tanks and Apaches (hmmm .. I thought Apaches belonged to the Americans). That could still be logical if John has some supernatural ability like the Incredible Hulk or something… who can rip wreck a tank with his bare hands. But this guy is just a deranged army veteran, nothing more.

Man, I can continue writing till the cows come home. There are so many bullshits in this movie.

So back to myself inside my grandma’s living room. Instead of enjoying myself watching “Rambo III” … I began to shout profanities at some of the absurd and illogical plots… which, indirectly blew my cover of being an innocent dude. Fucking Rambo.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 

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