On the first day of CNY, after finished having reunion lunch with my maternal relatives, I spent some time loitering in the crowded living room (at my grandparent’s house) pretending to be a noble guy - u know, checking the kids out … chatting with my unks and aunts …. reading magazines .. etc. It was pathetic. I was longing for either a good sleep … or a wild party … but the situation was neither one of those.

Then, I realized the TV was showing some mega action movie — the indisputable “Rambo III” ! I remembered it was once heck of a cool movie I enjoyed when I was a kid. So, I decided to get myself immersed with Rambo III instead of indulging myself in immoral activities like pretending to be a good guy.

I then took a good sit at the most strategic location in the big ass but crowded living room to get myself occupied for the next couple of hours. I was excited needless to say .. to expect seeing Rambo kicking asses after asses. But as the story progressed … I began to discover something very disturbing about the movie. I discovered that most of the actions were very cheesy and defied logic.

Then, I began to ask myself - how come I enjoyed the movie so much when I was a kid ? Well … it’s simple - the answer’s maturity. I am a grown up bloke now .. and my expectations have already made it’s way up to the sky. I see things differently now.

So, wtf is wrong with John Rambo ? Here’s a few key observations under a 26 yrs old guy’s eye :

1) it’s scorching hot under the Afghan sun… and Rambo’s having a Steve Tyler hairstyle above his muscular scalp. Guess what ? I suspect the guy’s got a hygiene problem. Well, maybe he’s a soldier & he’s exempted from being hygienic … fine. But how bout convenience ? We knew long hair causes problems like fringes getting in your line of sight ,… and this is especially important if you’ve involved in some serious shooting. And noticed that his hair always had the curl and waves .. never ever get out of shape. Damn that guy must’ve used a lot of hairsprays and gels … which is not possible to be bought anywhere near Afghan desert. Not logic.

2) again .. scorching hot under the sun. And this guy’s fighting his enemy half naked. The problem is … sun burn. If one were to stand under that fucking hot sun for more than 30 mins, expect to get your skin roasted. Not to mention the higher risk of getting dehydration, heat wave or skin cancer. Rambo defied logic once again … and I don’t dig that.

3) The Afghan dudes speaks English like university professors. Goddamn it. What the fuck is wrong with the adults that lived in the 80’s ? Why were they so docile and easily deceived by film-makers ?

4) Come to physics. That cool explosive-laden arrow that John used, is theoretically and practically .. impossible. Why ? Flight requires weight and force compensation. The heavier the weight, the more force it required to take flight. That explosive arrow-head was too heavy to be launched as a projectile using a bow. And too little explosive to trigger explosion of such magnitude. Also, from the way he dangerously stored his explosive laden arrows, he could have easily exploded himself into smithereens from the excessive shocks. They brought us false hope about bows and arrows.

5) Half naked John defeated a whole army of Russian troops who have tanks and Apaches (hmmm .. I thought Apaches belonged to the Americans). That’s still logical if John possess supernatural ability like Neo .. who can fly or stall bullets mid air. But this guy whacked them out as if he’s an immortal (half naked version). I don’t dig this shit.

Man, I can continue writing till dusk coz there’s so many bullshits about this movie.

Instead of enjoying myself watching Rambo III … I began to shout profanities at some of the absurd and illogical scenes/plots … which, indirectly blew my cover of being a noble dude. Rambo sux.