Last Saturday, while Emily and I were loitering around the shopping mall before our movie, we stumbled into one of her friends – let’s call her Rodent. Rodent was together with her beefcakey husband, which was about the size of The Rock. Now… what about Rodent? She reminded me of something she had said a few months back. Something that possibly elucidated the true thoughts of modern females. Guys… take special note of what I am about to unravel here.
Before Rodent got married to The Rock, she actually had a girl-talk with Emily… that she was unsure whether she wanted to marry The Rock. Well, of course, Emily would console her with the usual nice words that a friend would say — that The Rock is stable (hhyeahh… hard, heavy and lower center of gravity… kidding – he’s actually a Financial Controller of some big company and is super-rich)… that she should have more faith in her own taste… etc. But Rodent kept on lamenting about how she didn’t know him well enough and stuff. She told Emily that The Rock was too good of a person for her. Eg, he doesn’t smoke… doesn’t imbibe… has shitloads of patience… is compassionate (wouldn’t kill even a mosquito)… earns five figures… and is as cool as Jay Chou. (I thought he must be gay but, that’s just my opinion). And that’s where the problem lies.
The Rock is too ‘perfect’. Too good to be true. As a result of that, whenever Rodent goes out with The Rock, she will not act like her usual self. She’d want to be match his perfection by acting good, and unnatural. It’s like putting on a mask everytime she was with him… you know, being suave and shit. And most of the time, their date would be as boring as watching moss grow inside a sewage pipe… and laden with stupid formal jokes. All these formal and chivalry business made her felt awkward and even to the brink of suspecting that The Rock was trying to hide his true identity. And in a weird twist of situation, it makes her feel insecure about the relationship.
Emily then asked her “What do you want then… bitch ?” (alright, I added the word ‘bitch’. It sounded good in that question). Rodent told Emily that – all she wanted was an honest and natural relationship. A relationship that would make her feel comfortable and free (If I’m Emily, I would have asked her to marry a sanitary pad with wings). She would like to have an honest relationship with The Rock, just like Emily and me. (awwww…)
So, why would she think that Emily and I have the most ideal relationship? She said that Emily and I are the most natural couple she had ever seen in her life. She liked the way we farted in front of each other and how we laughed about it. She liked the way we facetiously flicked boogers and chase each other without afraid of tarnishing our own image. She liked the way both of us yelled obscenities openly at errant drivers and conspired an imaginary torture for them. It was all natural and we do not have to pretend to be someone else each time we’re together. Although it was a bit disturbing the way she described Emily and I… but I have to admit, that it has got to be the sweetest compliment from a friend I’ve ever heard…
So, what did she actually want? I wasn’t too sure but, I think she wants The Rock to fart in front of her… smear his boogers on her clothes… yell FUCK out loud at errant drivers… and tell her obscene jokes. Or maybe she wanted someone of her own to squirt her zits. *shrugs*. If every girl in this world are thinking the same like her, I guess pleasing a woman isn’t a hard thing to do after all… as we guys are already hardcoded to do those stuffs when we’re on our own.
Rodent finally got married to The Rock a few months after the confession… because The Rock finally broke his propriety by farting in front of her… and they lived happily ever after that.