Archive for 2003

December 10, 2003

situation

This morning, when I was having my breakfast with a bunch of housewife colleagues, we brought up a topic about Lily (yes, the same lady who ‘belcheddurian flavored gas) that once wore this really long, narrow and tight skirt to work. It’s kinda like what those traditional Japanese girls wore during ancient times. The hemline was so tight that one who wears it are required to take a small step at a time – else you will trip yourself over and land flat on your face.

I quoted Lily’s ridiculously tight skirt to ask the ladies on my table – how could she save herself if there happens to be a rabid dog chasing her from behind? The skirt is too long and tight, it will be impossible for her run. If she opts to escape from the impending danger, the method that would get her out in the shortest possible time would be for her to hop. Like she’s contending in a sack race. That will be the only way she won’t trip herself over. And we all know that hopping can only get you moderately fast (only if you’re a good hopper, that is). So how’s it going to be?

One of the ladies suggested that Lily could try to defend herself. She could use her high heeled shoe as a weapon. They are known to be lethal. The pointed side at the heel can be used like a pick axe and bore a hole at the canine’s skull. Not a bad suggestion but Lily would require a lot of dexterity for a maneuver like that. And what makes it harder, is that the dog’s probably off in the head and is unpredictable. A high heel shoe definitely wouldn’t act much like a repelling factor compared to the urge of sinking its teeth to Lily’s fat cellulite ridden ass. Besides, with that tight skirt, it’ll be harder for Lily to be able to balance herself well and at the same time, take her shoe off in time to arm herself. So, she’s still screwed.

Then, AnnElle (one of the ladies) suggested to intimidate the dog. Something like putting up her two hands and shout “HUAAARRGGH !”. Like a bear, maybe. And to make it look more realistic, she can add special effects by spraying some saliva deposits while doing the action. This might be effective to scare away those sissy mongrel dogs. But for a dog with mental problem, this could mean an invitation for some steamy intercourse (shit happens…) and the next thing we know, the topic will turn from surviving an attack into practicing bestiality with a cracked dog. So, again, she’s still screwed.

I then presented my brilliant idea – one that will be better than any of the suggestions they made. My reckoning for a perfect solution is to find a way to be able to run fast. The only way is to loose off her skirt (either by ripping it off or take it off on time) and run helter-skelter to the highest object she can find and climb – a tree, lamp-post or a Perodua Kembara. But this has to be done in a really swift manner – just like how we do when we’re sprinting the final 5 meters to our home toilet during emergency.

You see, by loosing that skirt, will have the free play of her legs to actually run again and off she goes. Also, loosing the skirt may even shock the dog into confusion by exposing her disproportioned lower half of her body to the dog. (*note: eheyeah… Lily is still a spinster at 40 over years old for some obvious reasons…) This will actually help to procrastinate the dog’s advances to buy her enough time to save herself from the impending trouble.

Well, she might get upset over losing that expensive skirt in the public and face some degree of embarassment, but hey, that’s still very much better than getting bitten in the ass by some crazy dog, right? Dogs are known to spread diseases like rabies. So, it is a choice between physical pain vs. public embarrassment.

So, to those who likes to wear long and tight skirts, just be very cautious. Emergency situations like this doesn’t come with a warning and the next thing you know, you may be facing the exact scenario above, and you know you’ve got a decision to make – and you have no time to waste.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
December 9, 2003

valentines day

Time passes by so fast nowadays, and without realizing it, we’ve already reached the very end of the year. Not long after that, we’re gonna get some long holidays and eventually, shoved back into reality to work our ass off to get ready for our next Valentines Day.

O yeah. Every year, I see my friends spend a lot of their money buying flowers or music boxes for their girls – which I think is pretty lame. I mean, what is so good about flowers? You can’t use it, most definitely can’t eat it and you can’t keep it for long. And most of all, they are freaking expensive (especially on Valentines day itself).

I tell you, the girls want flowers and gifts just for showing off. Girls felt confident and haughty when everyone gets envious of her for getting a big bouquet of flowers on Valentines Day. It’s like a becon that tells everyone that this girl still got the heat and charm. Every year, girls in my office will walk around to show off their cheaply embellished flowers in the office during Valentines day eve… and it is like a popularity contest amongst them – whoever that gets the most flowers, gets the most attention.

Some actually got it from their boys. Some got it from their secret admirers. And for some pathetic ones, they even send bunch of flowers to themselves just so that not to lose out in the competition. I once sarcastically asked one of them, “Your boyfriend didn’t know your home address aa? Or you don’t have a home aa? Why deliver to office? He stupid aa?” I tell you, it’s all for the attention.

So, guys out there, don’t be fooled to spend shitloads of your money for nothing. Because if a girl does indeed have some feel for you, they won’t need no fucking flower to affirm that. They just need a little love. Real lovers celebrate everyday to be the day of love. Valentine’s Day is just another gimmick by those conniving merchants to rip off innocent blokes like us.

My style of a great Valentine’s date (or any other date) is simple.

1) No expensive dinners. Just plan for a decent place to hangout at night – i.e. beach, hillside or anywhere. Avoid places that are too isolated or remote. Lots of desperate thugs nowadays, not wise to get stick-ups on Valentines Day.
[this is to avoid the crowd and long queues at hotels or restaurants]

2) I will buy a great CD as a gift, coupled with a simple card. Great CD means songs that will remind her of me everytime it is played, not Barney the purple dinosaur kind of soundtrack.
[songs are great to remind you of something/someone special. Use it to make her remind of you each time she hears the song.]

3) I will get ourselves a simple takeaway meal… a pizza or a sandwich. Something light and simple.
[complex meals causes bad breath and unpredictable side effects – belches, farts, etc]

4) Adopt a casual dress code. That should set her expectations low, and makes it easier to score a great outing. I will get myself a motorcycle or something. Traffic jam wastes a lot of time and tend to spoil my mood.
[set lower expectations to lower the chances for the date to turn sour]

5) I will then bring my date to the location set in Step 1. Then, enjoy my simple meal with her while spending our time chatting – ensuring that her time is fully occupied with interesting conversations. Then when it gets too late I will send her home. And if I’m lucky, I’ll pork her.
[a simple but special date. Unlike any old fashioned, lame and expensive Romeo wannabe attempt]

It may sound very simple, but this method is as good as any expensive candle light dinner… only more comfortable and casual, with the same outcome.

I’m a person who works like shit to earn my money hard and for sure, I don’t expect to easily spend a few hundred bucks for a dinner that probably won’t fill my hungry stomach at all. So, if you guys think of doing something different next round, feel free to consider the example above.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
December 8, 2003

scary shits out there

The other day, while I was waiting for the girls to shop their brains out, I got myself to sit around to catch up with times. I spent approximately about 3 hours hanging out on a public bench with Henry inside Penang’s most ‘hip’ mall. We made ourselves busy by checking out the way people dresses themselves up and hoped to learn a thing or two about fashion.

Well, most of them are pretty casual and very nice to look at, but there were a few exceptional ones that would induce cramps and queasy symptoms. Among those that burned a deep impression in our memory, was a guy with this Beckham mohawk hairstyle, which we could tell that he couldn’t have done without shitload of ultra hard gels and hairsprays.

It looked so ridiculous that it made almost 90% of the shoppers that came within the radius of 40 feet had their jaw dropped in shock and disbelief. And this guy still thought that his hair was so ‘yeah’ like that and we could see him actually skank himself along as if he is inside a disco. His hairstyle made us felt like bashing him up for the good of our country’s image. It was absofuckinglutely hideous. So was Beckham’s.

And then, there was this fat teenage ah lian who sported a pair of low-slung jeans (or whatever shit you call that) that revealed a very large amount of lard to the public. A Britney Spears wannabe. But what she didn’t realize was – Britney Spears has a flat tummy and relatively tiny waist, but ah lian has the total opposite. I swore she had enough lard to light up an Eskimo igloo for months. Eyuckhhh !

The third farm animal that we saw on that day was a lady wearing a white skirt. Nope. Not an ordinary skirt, but a skirt that was so short that I could see her butt cheeks without much effort. She turned quite a number of heads around and I can see lots of people whispering. And her boyfriend that walked beside her was basking at the attention…

I can tell that she wore that scanty skirt just to attract attention. But if she wanted to reveal her ass and underwear so much, why bother wearing a skirt, right? She could have gone shopping clad with just only her underwear. I’m sure that would attract way more attention than she ever wanted. And if that’s not enough, she could ask her boyfriend to do the same too. They’re going to be famous.

Just couldn’t get the logic of dress code nowadays. Aren’t fashion suppose to be a good thing for us to appreciate? A way for us humans to look better? Why are these people using it to tarnish the sight of our surroundings? This is so unbelievable. (sekian laporan)

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
December 7, 2003

CrazyGuy

*update 03 DEC 04 – lost the original photo… i found a temporary substitute.

Meet CrazyGuy. He’s my pet dog inside my car. He’s been inside my car for 4 years and is still single. His hobbies are watching cars and collecting stamps, although he still have not manage to get himself any collection to date.

CrazyGuy is a good pet and I love him. Why? It is because he needs no food and he doesn’t shit everywhere like any other dogs. I don’t have to take him out for a walk nor do I have to worry about him humping any female dogs he sees. He just knows how to behave and be an obedient best friend like he aptly should. A perfect pet for me.

Another wonderful thing about CrazyGuy is, he’s such a hottie. Chicks and kids that go up my car just love him. They will kiss and cuddle him like he’s their own dog or something. And he doesn’t have fleas or bad odor… But he does have lots of drools, lipstick marks, dandruff and hairs stuck on its yellow colored fur. Well, not that I mind that – because cleaning him up is as easy as picking my own nose. I’ll just need to groom him up with my portable vacuum cleaner and spray him with Febreze.

Let me also tell you a secret – those tiny sensitive receptors on his nose? Those things are awesome. Whenever there are girls around to cuddle him hard, he will telepathically transmit the bliss to me … and I will share with my magical pet the warmth and comfort from that cuddle. He’s such an altruistic pet.

But then, due to his inherently cute outlook, it is sometimes hard for me to control my guests from over-cuddle him. As he is especially sensitive to certain type of people (blimps, odorous individuals, hideous looking witches or someone shit fucking bad hygiene), he would sometimes send out SOS signals calling for help. When that happens, I will turn over from my driver seat and issue a warning like this – “Hey… put down my dog before I kick you out of my car… you cheebye”. We co-exist together in a symbiosis relationship – we’re both an essential part of a balanced ecosystem inside my car.

Ok, that’s all about my dog – CrazyGuy. If you feel that you need to ask some questions about him, feel free to contact me through my email.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off
December 6, 2003

i started a joke

Today, inside the cinema, just before the movie starts, I overheard Emily talking to a friend, Amber…

Emily : “My best friend from Ipoh is coming to Penang tonight. She is going to show me her new boyfriend.”

Amber : “New boyfriend? How many boyfriends has she had?”

Emily : “3 or 4 … not too sure. Latest one is an Ipoh guy.”

Amber : “Wow, your friend must be very pretty. Ipoh girls are known to be pretty… although I haven’t really seen a pretty girl from Ipoh before.”

I had to interrupt

Me : “That’s because all the pretty girls in Ipoh have gone outstation to work.”

Amber : “I have a male friend from Ipoh who told me that it’s really difficult to find pretty girls there. Makes him demotivated to find someone special there… ”

Me : “You know… you should tell your friend to get real. He should not judge love by its looks. It goes with the ‘feel’ … you see. Look at Emily… and myself. I accepted her even though she looks more hideous than a sewer rat. Heheheh…”

That was suppose to be a part joke, part figure-of-speech kind of thing.

Me : EXCUSE ME?? [Opens mouth, and blaaasssstttts out a torrent of fire]

Lesson learned = never joke about a girl’s looks. She will most probably not find it funny.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | Comments Off