Archive for December, 2003

December 6, 2003

do you know her?

*names were changed to preserve the innocence of individuals.

Today, outside the cinema, while waiting to watch The Haunted Mansion:

Emily : “Dear, guess who I saw just now?”

Me : “Who?”

Emily : “It’s RoundGirl. Remember RoundGirl?”

Me : “What? RoundGirl? Do I know her?”

Emily : “My coursemate, RoundGirl. Don’t you remember? Think harder.”

Me : “Hmmmm… RoundGirl. I have no recollection of such person. She must be someone unimportant.”

Emily : “The short and round looking girl… that used to hang out with my another friend LongLegs.”

It was a fucking trap… I didn’t see it coming. LongLegs is also Emily’s coursemate, who is super hot.

Me : “Oooooh …. the blimp who used to hangout with LongLegs! I remember that LongLegs lass…”

I was so fucking stupid.

Emily : “Oh, you remember LongLegs.

That was suppose to be sarcastic…

Me : “Yeah man. She’s hot. I remember her because she’s like, so hot. Great legs, great tits. She’s worth to be remembered, every detail of it.”

I got carried away

Emily : [Opens mouth, and blaaasssstttt out a torrent of fire]

Lesson learned = always leave out your fascination with any hot looking exotic creatures from all your conversations with your spouse.

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December 5, 2003

i saw it again

I saw it again. Today. While I’m having lunch. With the guys. At a restaurant.

I was upset. I couldn’t even concentrate to eat that piece of fish on my plate. Nope. I couldn’t.

Blackie witnessed my appetite change … and gave me a “Whuzzap ??” look.

I told him. Told him what I saw. Something very disturbing. It was exactly across where I sit.

I told Blackie about it. And BigSnake as well. And then both of them saw it.

What did we see? A lady.

No sleeve.

Bushy armpit.

Hands up.

Waving for something inside the restaurant.

It was the hairiest armpit I’ve ever seen in my life.

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December 4, 2003


Yesterday, while I was munching away my double cheeseburger, my eyes were fixed to a bunch of noisy kids playing. I was observing the way they enjoyed themselves doing things that adults (like me) would consider as ‘absurd’.

There was this particular kid inside the bunch who was especially stand out – as I noticed. He was like the leader of the pack or something. And his gang were running around with their mouth full and I could see pieces of half chewed food dropping all over the place. I was imagining how shitty the janitors must have felt seeing these little monsters messing up the place like nobody’s business.

After having their session of indoor Olympic run, the kids then switched to another pattern of frolic. This time, the leader of the pack started some marching shit, and the rest of the trolls followed his lead. The marching commotion suddenly made the food court area looked like a WWII Nazi death camp. They were marching here and there; with that faux-Hitler shouting some made up military terms (which they probably learned from TV). Their plays were becoming more exciting by the minute and I was watching diligently while munching on my dinner.

Then, when the moms shouted for their kids back to the table, Hitler was left alone to march by himself. Finding no fun to do the marching alone, he creatively switched his pattern again. This time, he became the world renowned martial arts star – Bruce Lee. He’d flail and kick around like he’s neutralizing some hostile ninjas from the outer fucking space and even mimicked the sharp cry that Bruce Lee did. Nobody dared to go near Bruce within the radius of 6 feet or so. Even his kid friends were looking at him in horror while their parents were force-feeding them their colder-than-steel dinner.

He was desperately seeking for attention. His kungfu moves were dull and nobody seems to be interested to look at him (except for me and the bunch of the horrified kids, of course). He would sometimes roll on the floor, spin himself up and even tried to do some acrobatic stunts. Seriously, he could have injured himself easily. I was wondering, why would his parents stay static and not doing something to calm their seriously screwed son from getting injured.

And then, just as I was wondering if it could get any worse than that, Bruce stopped. He was too freaking tired and I could tell that he had ran out of energy to fool around. He was standing there looking derisively at his bunch of friends who wouldn’t want to join him romping around. He then shoved his hand into his own ass and started to scratch his own butt crack HARD. I mean, real hard. It was a sight to behold.

Man, I can imagine that if I happened to have a videocam to record the entire event, it would have been an incredible masterpiece to outdo that Star Wars Kid blooper video. I can then sell the clip to the boy’s parents to let him see himself when he grows up — how spastic he was at one point of his life not long ago…

This is Michael Ooi reporting about an inane observation while he was having his dinner last night, from inside a boring lab, at his workplace.

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December 3, 2003

bitter experience


I just came back from a late dinner with Emily — and encountered a bitter experience that involves driving skills, housewife, mockery, derision and vandalism. Here are the details of what happened (quite a lengthy post):

I was strolling along Carrefour’s big ass car park for a place to park and found a perfect one. As usual, I checked if there was anyone waiting for the seemingly vacant lot, you know, to avoid any conflict of interest. When the course was certified clear, I got myself ready to take the place.

But I didn’t know that a silver car (a Waja) was waiting to reverse into that lot, from about a good 20 feet away. I saw the car moments ago when I was scoping for conflict but, the car was too far away to look like it was reversing into the lot. It looked more like it was waiting for someone than anything, that was because it didn’t turn on its indicator, no reverse light, nothing.

I only knew that the car was vying for that lot after I have :
a) parked my car,
b) alighted from my vehicle,
c) did a few banters with Emily,
d) and walked some distance towards the hypermart…

I walked for about 10 feet or so, when I saw a lady in that freaking Waja engages the reverse gear. She was with a small toddler. When she realized that the spot was gone (only after she reversed 3/4 of the way), she turned her attention to me with a hostile look and started honking like I’ve just stolen the spark plugs from her placenta.

Not knowing what happened, I stooped low to check her out – you know, I thought she was in trouble or something. Maybe her son was chocking or, he tits got stuck on the steering wheel. Anyway, I was in for a surprise when I saw her giving me that mad gesture that I had parked her place, all the while honking like a mad bitch. Though I couldn’t hear what she was yelling, but I could clearly make out that she included a lot of profanities in her language. I couldn’t imagine what kind of parent she was to do that in front of her kid. I was pissed of course, and I responded back by gesturing ‘you didn’t put on your indicator, to let everyone know that you wanted the lot, you were waiting 20 fucking feet away!’

The bitch did not seem to care whatever I was gesticulating and was obstinate that she was in the right. Not intending to provoke that mad woman any further, I decided to walk away. But I she wouldn’t move on, and cars were starting to pile up behind her (because she reverse-positioned her car in such slanting way that it blocked the entire lane) and she was getting honked left right center. Eventually, she had no choice but to look for another place to park and that happened right before I was entering into the hypermart premise. But that was not the last I heard of her…

After returning from my dinner, I discovered 2 long fresh scratches on the hood of my car. 1st one was about 6 inches long, and second one, was about the length of my middle finger. I was so incensed when I saw those scratches…

What I couldn’t understand is – what had she achieve by vandalizing my car? 3 things:
1) to prove herself that she’s a fucking idiot.
2) set a bad example to her kid – “Look, mommy just scratched somebody’s car… how cool is that?”
3) expose herself the risk of getting walloped if she ever get caught of committing vandalism in public.

I was literally pissed, and I could have waited for the bitch to show up from Carrefour – I just wasn’t mad enough. I was planning to give that car a paint job anyway, or even sell it off in a few months – besides, the scratches were just minor additions to the collection of scratches I already had on my hood (bad neighborhood). But the story could have caused a different outcome if she were to vandalize my new Michelin tires instead. I would have gone postal to wreck every single silver colored Waja in the entire parking lot. And was glad that didn’t have to happen.

So what can I do now? Nothing, but to curse that bitch. I wish for her anus to rot and get infested with flesh eating maggots (hopefully, the same size of the scratches she induced) that will her ass off.

Lesson learnt: If you ran into any sort of altercation with another motorist, remember to jot that asshole’s car registration number down. Might be useful later.

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My friend Ayamas suggested to rent a bungalow for the New Year celebration and the BODs are all set for the plan. The girls are particularly excited about it. One of them even said, “First, we go for a party at the club… and then we drink ourselves into stupor. If it’s still not enough, we can go back to the bungalow and drink even more. And then can puke together, yippee!” [she was serious]. The very statement of that girl made me cringe in fear. No, not because of the mass alcohol suicide party she suggested but, I was thinking about the funds involved. You know, booze nowadays are sure expensive.

As we all knows, we guys have thick ego. Whenever we are out partying with girls, we are always the one who whips out our wallet and pay for everything. As I said, it’s an ego thing. We like to act as if we guys are born to protect the girls and give them everything they desire (concept of “gentlemen”). But little does everyone realize that, girls nowadays earn as much as we guys do (some even more)… and hell… they do drink like an alkie camel! In the end, it is the “gentlemen” who suffers, and they will appoint more ‘bosses‘ to protect them [boss = credit carddsss].

And due to the fact that Christmas is so close to the New Year celebration, you can best bet that most guys would spend their brand new year with a big hole in his pocket. And I reckon that is why, it is so hard for most ‘interesting and fun’ guys (party goers) to have a handsome savings. Thanks to their ‘gentlemen’ code, that’s the price they have to pay to keep girls around them happy/impressed.

For those who manage to save some in their bank at a relatively young age, they are most probably a bunch of frugal douche bags that was downright boring and dull… probably even a goddamn workaholic. (nope, not even a geek… because a geek would have spent most of his money on computers and gadgets).

So, girls, it couldn’t have been more apparent than this. You want a romantic/gentleman dude?, you can expect him to be broke and not so very well off (see reasons above). If you want your beau to be a rich and ‘pacat‘ (hokkien for ‘dense and full of substance’)? Expect him to be dull, like drain water.

That is why, I am working my ass off to close up the gap between these 2 types of male species here. Short term goal, I would like to party hard enough on Christmas / New Year, and yet, have enough money to get cocky for the coming Chinese New Year. I’m a balance of both… (no, not dull, mind you…)

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