Archive for December, 2003

December 17, 2003

eric the disturbed : blunder

Yesterday, during lunchtime, Blackie wanted to buy another batch of milk powder for his chowhound son.

Me : “What the hell?? Your son finished that last batch of milk powder already? He’s more expensive than maintaining a beemer man!”

Blackie : “He is growing up maaa…”

BigSnake : “Fucking unbelievable.”

Me : “Yeah, you could have kept a herd of cows at your home. Milk them fresh whenever your son gets hungry. It would be way cheaper than buying so much milk powder every month…”

Blackie : “Come on guys… that’s ridiculous. How could feeding a herd of cows be any cheaper than buying milk powder? That’s just bullshit.”

Doug : “Use your brain lah. Cows only eat grass. That means, you don’t have to worry about mowing your lawn. I think it’s a great idea.”

[note: Doug is Blackie’s boss.]

BigSnake : “And you can use its dung as organic fertilizer for your garden.”

Me : “When your son is bored, he can even piggy ride them like a cowboy. You’ll save more money on toys.”

The idea was gradually becoming more and more plausible as one comment leads to another. Blackie was totally dumbfucked. He just did not know what to say. Doug then continued further.

Doug : “And when your cow runs out of milk, you can also cut it up and eat them. If you can’t finish the whole cow, you can give out the parts to us.”

It was then Eric broke his silence…

Eric : “Hahah! yeah! give the parts to us. I want the cow’s penis. Sup torpedo lembu!”

Everyone suddenly stopped and became confused. It lasted a short while before Doug chided Eric for his senseless comment

Doug : “Dude! How could it be possible for a cow to have a dick!?”

By that time, everyone was already having an epileptic fit laughing at Eric. He sure had hit a boner this time. Luckily, the incident occurred before we actually took our lunch, else, I would be spending my entire day cleaning up pukes inside my car.

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December 16, 2003

malodor attack

I work in a very large company. Like any other executives, I am provided a notebook computer. And because my company also manufactures notebooks, we’re all subjected to stringent security clearance, each time we have a notebook taken out of the premise. Everyday.

I was going through that check yesterday, by this lady security guard with a headscarf. Let’s call her ‘Terung’ for convenience’ sake. Now this Terung is actually no stranger to me. She has been our security for many months and she even knows my name already.

“Hi Michael” she would usually greet me. And she did the exact same thing yesterday.

She took my notebook carrying case and opened it up. But when she was doing that, my nose suddenly caught something pungent, and I was immediately stunned. I reflexed by taking 2 steps aback. I did not know where the smell came from. Smelled something like a wet dog who haven’t bathed for many months. But there wasn’t anyone around at that time… except Terung. And then I saw a table fan behind her, blowing towards my direction… and I went “Oh my fucking god” and held my breath.

Then, she asked for my pass to clear the notebook. I was still holding my breath when I had to go near her to show her my badge (the pass was on the badge). I thought I could just show her the damn thing and bolt straight away, but she made things complicated by not allowing an immediate clearance. That was because right at that time, a dude came over to inquire about something and that robbed me off some precious seconds there (though I have to admit, those seconds felt like hours…)

As I was about to turn purple, she finally cleared off the inquiring dude and my notebook and got me off the malodor hook. I immediately fled the stinking place… did not look back. Some fucking experience there.

I have made a solemn vow from then on, that if I ever see Terung on duty at main the entrance again, I’m gonna fucking stay back at workplace till the next shift commences.

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December 15, 2003

monkeys

Emily’s aunt and family came for a visit during the weekend. During one of our lively chat, her aunt sort of told us of her past wonderful experiences visiting Penang’s famous Botanical Garden and how the place has changed over the years.

Emily’s aunt: “We went to the Botanical Garden yesterday.”

Me: “Great! So, did you see any monkeys there? The kids had fun?”

Emily’s aunt : “Yeah we saw them. But there were only very few of them. Not as many as it used to.”

Me: “Oh… that was not surprising. A lot of those monkeys migrated out from the park to seek for greener pastures, and went to get themselves some job.”

Emily’s aunt: [slight pause …] Huh ?

[obviously, she did not tune well to my dark humor. I had to explain to her.]

Me: “They gone out to work. Got it? To factories, offices, corporates? Like, all over the place? Lot’s of them in my workplace working as top executives. My ex-boss was one of them.”

Emily’s aunt: “Errmm … ok.”

Everyone were laughing hard except her. Now I know housewives run on different frequency, and not all of them know how to appreciate a fine joke.

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December 12, 2003

the uphill test story

Circa 1994, when I was 17. It was the day I sit for my driving test. Back then, I was required to take a total of 4 tests to get a full pass. One of them was called ‘the uphill test’ – which the examinee was made to drive up a steep slope without fucking up.

Here’s exactly how it goes : The examinee is required to drive the car halfway up a steep slope, and stop when the front wheels of the car are right on top of a box (painted on the slope). Then yank the handbrake and switch off the engine. Examining officer will evaluate if the wheels are inside the box. Once ascertained, the officer will give a signal, and the examinee shall start the engine again and ascent the remaining of the slope from static without stalling or going astern. Only 2 attempts are allowed.

It was a test that dreaded by many but not me. ‘The uphill test’ was way below my standard. To me, it was as easy as lifting my ass cheek to rip out a rhythmic fart. I totally have no problem with it.

But the story I was about to tell, is not really about how awesome I was. It is about something that I witnessed that day. It happened while I was waiting for my turn to sit for that ‘uphill test’.

There was a big crowd waiting for ‘the uphill test’. I had waited the whole morning and I remembered seeing many teenagers around my age failing for that ‘uphill test’. They’re almost all the fucking same boring routine. And most of them were girls. But one of them stood out like a sore dick in a sea of rotten beavers and burned an impression so deep in memory… that I graded it as one of the wackiest shit I’ve ever seen in my life.

The girl was about my age. Scrawny and pale in complexion (probably nervous and very scared). From the moment I saw her, I reckoned that she’s going to chicken out the very last minute, but she got to a good start. She managed to make that car climb up the slope and stop right inside the box. Not bad – I thought. I was probably wrong after all. But I was too quick to judge for the second time that day.

When the examiner flagged for her to start the engine and continue to ascend the slope, she started to get really nervous. I was looking right into her windows when that happened and I could see her sweating like she was in a sauna. She frantically cranked the engine, stepped on her gas pedal and released the fucking handbrake. See what went wrong? She forgot to step on the clutch and engage a gear. The end result was pretty much predictable – the car glided down the slope backwards.

That was when her panic went apex. She went into a temporary stupor… and completely lost her senses to even stop the gliding (backwards and downwards) car! The next few split seconds were really fucking hilarious – now, instead of stepping on the brake pedal, miss panic here decided to climb out of the car window to abandon car (yeah, it didn’t come across her mind that the door can be opened as well). Pretty much like what most doomed sailors would do in the event of the ship sinking. She was about halfway successful doing that when her quick thinking instructor came flying to her rescue and shoved her right back in and grabbed the steering from the windows.

and the only thing that she had in her mind was probably “I’M GONNA FUCKING DIE! I’M GONNA FUCKING DIE!”. She even forgot how to stop the car from gliding further.

“Brake bitch! brake!” the instructor shouted.

But she was too stunned to be able to react to anything. The poor instructor had to stop the car by dragging his feet on the ground for several more meters. The entire blooper reminded me of those goofy actions of superman trying to stop a speeding train.

The blooper got the whole crowd of spectators in stitches – everyone erupted into a fit inducing laugh and there were gallons of tears squirting out from a few hundred eyes. Although I did spare some conscience for that unfortunate girl but it was simply unbearable. It was so downright stupid and dumb, that it’ll be suicidal to suppress myself. So, I decided to fuck it – I laughed hard and suffered some cramps.

After that, she got her second chance to for the uphill test again. With tears still wet in the eyes, the crowd watched in anticipation. But it wasn’t too much of a suspense, as she got the entire thing repeated again. The exact same thing. This time, it wasn’t that mild. The crowd exploded and laughed harder. I myself laughed so fucking hard, that I had to squat down to avoid injury.

It was classic, and somewhat of a relief for the boring afternoon under the hot sun. It was blooper that had to be retold again and again as an unbelievable and yet entertaining story (at the expense of somebody’s misfortune…) And that’s exactly what I did during the lunch break that day, in a nearby shack cafe to a bunch of my new found friends who missed the event (yep, I make friends everywhere I go..). When we’re laughing at the story loudly inside that canteen, I realized that the scrawny girl was just sitting behind me — with a pale & mortified look. Shame on me for being such a tool – I should have looked around before telling my tale…

The girl of course flunked her driving test… along with her self respect and dignity.

Nervous girl… if you are reading this blog from somewhere, I just wanted to say that I was sorry for what I did at the JPJ canteen, and to blog this out…

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December 11, 2003

comment

*Referring to this news article : here

So many idiot nowadays. Those teachers are fighting back the ban of knitting inside classrooms – can it get any more ridiculous than that?? Knitting makes them concentrate better – yeah right. Our modern world is getting weirder each day.

What are they going to protest about in the next few decades? Gender segregation for public toilets? Ban of smoking in petrol stations? “Smoking a cigarette helps me to concentrate better when pumping the petrol…”

Well, it’s not about whether it helps you to concentrate or not morons (sarcastically directed to those fucking Indian teachers). It is because you’re not suppose to knit inside classrooms. Pretty much like why we are not suppose to surf porn at work. Is that so hard to understand? “Surfing for porn helps me to concentrate better at work” – see if your boss can dig that.

Those stupid fucking morons ought to get more education themselves.

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