Archive for December, 2003

December 26, 2003

I met a weird guy

I met a weird guy.

It happened inside this cocksuckers club. Right after the Christmas countdown, the club was showcasing some kind of dirty dancing performance on the stage (which sucked) and it was right in front of our place. It featured a few scantily dressed young girls dancing seductively at some corny mix by the mongoloid DJ…

Then came this fat guy with a thick spectacles. He stood right in front of our views and since he was so horizontally wide, we couldn’t see a fucking thing. As the show wasn’t that good anyway, we decided to let him enjoy it there and we minded our own business.

After for what must be like 5 minutes or so, I could still see that fat guy there. It seemed like he was having the highest moment of his life ogling at a particular dancer – whom I think was the most promiscuous looking of all. That was when I decided to check him out.

I went to him and put my hand around his bloated shoulder. He looked at me. I gave him “hi dude” smile. I was being my usual self, you know… making friends everywhere I go like I always do. He switched his attention back to the particular dancer. He was sweating profusely. I reckoned he must be imagining something vveerrryyy bad while watching the dirty dancing.

I then gave him a nudge. He looked back at me. I gave him a wry smile and a wink. He gave me an emotionless stare… and again, quickly switched his attention back to the slut dancer. Then I said to him “Hey… the dancer you’re looking at… she’s such a slut huh? I can tell that you liked her very much.” He then turned to me… and gave me this innocent look. He then gestured with his both hands by waving “no .. don’t beat me up”.

From what I gathered, he must have thought that I’m someone who was looking for trouble. The guy was freaked out. Man… I had to pacify that dude out by gesturing back “I’m cool… I’m cool… it’s ok. Nothing happened here… don’t be scared”. And once I completed the gesture, he resumed ogling at the dancer.

Weird guy.

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December 24, 2003

the shampoo story

I went shopping for groceries with Emily yesterday. While she was busy looking for her stuff, I stumbled into the shampoo department looking for… well… shampoo. Then all of a sudden, I was surrounded by 3 – 4 promoters – each of them eyeing on me like a bunch of vultures waiting to pick rotten flesh off a carcass. They seem to appear out from nowhere! I was shocked shitless. Then one of them approached me.

Promoter #1 : “Looking for shampoo?”

Me : “Err … yeah.”
[I was in the shampoo department. What was wrong with her?]

Promoter #1 : “Oily hair ?”
[She looked serious]

Me : “I don’t know. I think so.”

Promoter #1 : “Dandruff ?”
[She sounded professional]

Me : “Maybe. Maybe no.”

She then proceed to open up a few bottles of shampoo.

Promoter #1 : “Here… smell them. These are natural shampoos made from bla bla… 5 in 1… conditioner .. AHA .. natural …$%^&*!@”
[Price – 20 over bucks for a small bottle]

Me : “Err .. no thanks. I think I’ll be able to settle by myself. ”

I’m actually looking for something simpler and more economical – that’s because I washes my hair 2 – 3 times a day. I don’t give a fuck about any AHA, conditioner or whatever they put into the shampoo. I just want something that can fucking wash my hair. As long as it’s big, cheap and smells ok – I’m a happy man.

Promoter #1 : “You have any brand in mind? Rejoice? Head & Shoulders? Pantene? [insert brand]?”

Me : “No brands in mind. I just need a good smelling shampoo with a good price.”

Promoter #1 : “Oh… we have this Sassoon shampoo on promotion. It got this [some very weird chemical name] and this this that this FUCK”
[That shampoo she recommended was fucking expensive. I was beginning to feel annoyed. She won’t let me look for my own shampoo.].

Me : “No no… I don’t want all that. Please leave me alone. I’ll know when I found my ideal shampoo… ok ?”

I wandered off into another section of cheaper looking shampoos. Another middle aged promoter approached me from nowhere. I think they learned black magic or something to be able to appear out of thin air just like that.

Promoter #2 : “Looking for shampoo? We’ve got this brand $%^&*^*&^%^&%^#E%$&(^*^&*^*%$^$”
[Again … promoting a very complicated brand of shampoo. Small and expensive.]

Me : [pointed at a big cheap bottle of shampoo] “Auntie … I want this bottle”

The promoter suddenly changed her friendly expression and replied “Go get yourself”. She then walked away.

I held up the big, cheap, green and great smelling shampoo triumphantly like Rivaldo holding the World Cup. The cheap shampoo repelled the rest of the promoters as I ambled along… and I gave them a wry smile.

Lesson learnt : Never walk into a shampoo department looking innocent or confused. Want to buy shampoo? Barge into the area… grab a few big sized shampoos you can find and bail from that cursed place. You can always filter out the expensive ones in another department (like the pet food department) and pay for the one you like. If fail to find your ideal shampoo… repeat the barge process. Period.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
December 23, 2003

greetings

In average, we have less than 80 christmas’ to celebrate… which, 1/4 of them were wasted when we’re prepubescent.

1/4 will be spent as a middle aged parent who worries about their kids.
1/4 will be spent in old age.

Hence, theoretically, we only have 1/4 of them left to celebrate.

That’s why you ought to spend your Christmas the best way you can.

Merry Christmas to all you sweet people out there.

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random rant – discovery on tv

Hey.. did anyone watch Discovery channel last night? It was showing some naked tribals wearing dick gourds. Dick gourds = some long horn-shaped container that is used as a protective cover to keep their dicks. While they have this dick gourd covering their dicks, their nuts can be seen hanging loose like a teabag. As for the female version, they don’t have gourds. They just let their saggy & wrinkled titties flutter + bouncing all over the place.

For certain reason, I found this quite ironic. In my country Malaysia, we have strict laws against showing stuff like this (you know… nekkid peeeeple) on TV. Our censorship board would even ban kissing scenes from the movies. To protect the innocence, as they always claim. Well, innocence my ass ler…

When I saw the naked tribals on TV, I shouted out loud – Hey! what the fuck is this all about!? They allowed tribals to get naked on TV, but not for urban folks? Are they a bunch of fucking sadist or what?

To me, the only difference between the tribals and us urban folks getting naked on TV… is that the tribals have saggier titties and dustier nutsacks. I wonder if the censorship board folks are really tribal themselves, since they so love to see their kinds getting naked on TV performing those weird orgies on animals & trees. Programs like that can confuse the young and even cause a phobia on them first timers who never saw adult genitals before.

Why would they censor the urban and show the tribal ones? A dick’s a dick. A tit’s a tit. What is the difference? Damn those discriminatory censorship board pigs.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
December 22, 2003

Lulu the terrible

Recent rant about Jude reminded me of another scary female colleague called ‘Lulu’. This Lulu is way scarier than Jude and I am grateful that I wasn’t assigned to sit beside her.

Now, what’s wrong with Lulu? For one, Lulu’s fucking fat. Not that I am discriminating fat people but, believe me, she’s in a class of her own. Her sheer size would suggest that she probably has a very deep and solid voice that would make one cringe. But that does not seem to be the case. Instead, she has this sharp and shrilling voice that could make one’s balls shrink.

Like Jude, Lulu is also very fond of talking and getting near me. For some strange reasons, these… these… abominations, seem to have the inclination to get near me, I don’t fucking know why. Greeting me with just a simple smile would have been sufficient, but she has to overdo it. Like “Hey Michael. How are you doing? Taken your lunch? bla bla bla “. She would end up standing really close to me, and the next thing I know, I would be fielding off her absurd attempt-to-strike-a-conversation greetings for the next 5 – 10 minutes. Goddamn it.

I had to be nice with them (partly because she has plenty of hot friends). I always greet back with courtesy. But each time I do that, I have to pray that she would leave me alone as fast as possible. It wasn’t really a voluntary thing, so, it’s pretty much meaningless anyway. That’s why whenever I see Lulu (or Jude) around, I will try to get out of her sight and pretend to be heading the opposite direction.

There was once I was caught in the corner and trapped. That day, Lulu came and knocked on my lab door. Apparently, she wanted to borrow a caliper or something. I panicked at the sight of her, knowing that I have no way to escape her. I remember I had to put up my smiling face and asked my lab technician to open the door. It was like in that scary shit classic movie ‘Clash of the Titans’ – when the giant fucking gate opens and the monster Kraken came rushing out of it. When the lab door opened, Lulu came rushing in and yelled “Michael! Michael! I…want.. to … borrow…” – her speech was weirdly truncated because she was hopping like a bunny. That’s right. I don’t know why she did that but, she fucking HOPPED into my lab.

It was damn scary man. To see a blimp hopping like that. I dared not to look at her lards jiggling when she did the hopping. I took a tight grip on my chair and hoped for the worst. If I’m drunk at that moment, I would have grabbed something and throw at her. But I was just stunned that day, and do not know how to react.

I told this incident to many people before, and almost all of them gasped in disbelief. But it was all true. I didn’t make this up.

A few weeks later, when I was having lunch with my China counterpart (coincidentally, Lulu was invited as well), she suddenly came to me and asked, in a serious tone:

“Michael… I heard that someone from your department spread some rumors about me that I hop around like a retard. Do you know who the guy is?”

I did not know whether her question was meant to be sarcastic but, I replied her “Oh, I haven’t heard of such rumors. Did you actually hop around like that then?”. Of course I fucking lied, but she didn’t get my sarcasm. Oh well.

She never bothered me after that again. Good for me.

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