December 22, 2003

Lulu the terrible

Recent rant about Jude reminded me of another scary female colleague called ‘Lulu’. This Lulu is way scarier than Jude and I am grateful that I wasn’t assigned to sit beside her.

Now, what’s wrong with Lulu? For one, Lulu’s fucking fat. Not that I am discriminating fat people but, believe me, she’s in a class of her own. Her sheer size would suggest that she probably has a very deep and solid voice that would make one cringe. But that does not seem to be the case. Instead, she has this sharp and shrilling voice that could make one’s balls shrink.

Like Jude, Lulu is also very fond of talking and getting near me. For some strange reasons, these… these… abominations, seem to have the inclination to get near me, I don’t fucking know why. Greeting me with just a simple smile would have been sufficient, but she has to overdo it. Like “Hey Michael. How are you doing? Taken your lunch? bla bla bla “. She would end up standing really close to me, and the next thing I know, I would be fielding off her absurd attempt-to-strike-a-conversation greetings for the next 5 – 10 minutes. Goddamn it.

I had to be nice with them (partly because she has plenty of hot friends). I always greet back with courtesy. But each time I do that, I have to pray that she would leave me alone as fast as possible. It wasn’t really a voluntary thing, so, it’s pretty much meaningless anyway. That’s why whenever I see Lulu (or Jude) around, I will try to get out of her sight and pretend to be heading the opposite direction.

There was once I was caught in the corner and trapped. That day, Lulu came and knocked on my lab door. Apparently, she wanted to borrow a caliper or something. I panicked at the sight of her, knowing that I have no way to escape her. I remember I had to put up my smiling face and asked my lab technician to open the door. It was like in that scary shit classic movie ‘Clash of the Titans’ – when the giant fucking gate opens and the monster Kraken came rushing out of it. When the lab door opened, Lulu came rushing in and yelled “Michael! Michael! I…want.. to … borrow…” – her speech was weirdly truncated because she was hopping like a bunny. That’s right. I don’t know why she did that but, she fucking HOPPED into my lab.

It was damn scary man. To see a blimp hopping like that. I dared not to look at her lards jiggling when she did the hopping. I took a tight grip on my chair and hoped for the worst. If I’m drunk at that moment, I would have grabbed something and throw at her. But I was just stunned that day, and do not know how to react.

I told this incident to many people before, and almost all of them gasped in disbelief. But it was all true. I didn’t make this up.

A few weeks later, when I was having lunch with my China counterpart (coincidentally, Lulu was invited as well), she suddenly came to me and asked, in a serious tone:

“Michael… I heard that someone from your department spread some rumors about me that I hop around like a retard. Do you know who the guy is?”

I did not know whether her question was meant to be sarcastic but, I replied her “Oh, I haven’t heard of such rumors. Did you actually hop around like that then?”. Of course I fucking lied, but she didn’t get my sarcasm. Oh well.

She never bothered me after that again. Good for me.

michaelooi  | characters  | 

The commenting function has been disabled.