December 10, 2003

situation

This morning, when I was having my breakfast with a bunch of housewife colleagues, we brought up a topic about Lily (yes, the same lady who ‘belcheddurian flavored gas) that once wore this really long, narrow and tight skirt to work. It’s kinda like what those traditional Japanese girls wore during ancient times. The hemline was so tight that one who wears it are required to take a small step at a time – else you will trip yourself over and land flat on your face.

I quoted Lily’s ridiculously tight skirt to ask the ladies on my table – how could she save herself if there happens to be a rabid dog chasing her from behind? The skirt is too long and tight, it will be impossible for her run. If she opts to escape from the impending danger, the method that would get her out in the shortest possible time would be for her to hop. Like she’s contending in a sack race. That will be the only way she won’t trip herself over. And we all know that hopping can only get you moderately fast (only if you’re a good hopper, that is). So how’s it going to be?

One of the ladies suggested that Lily could try to defend herself. She could use her high heeled shoe as a weapon. They are known to be lethal. The pointed side at the heel can be used like a pick axe and bore a hole at the canine’s skull. Not a bad suggestion but Lily would require a lot of dexterity for a maneuver like that. And what makes it harder, is that the dog’s probably off in the head and is unpredictable. A high heel shoe definitely wouldn’t act much like a repelling factor compared to the urge of sinking its teeth to Lily’s fat cellulite ridden ass. Besides, with that tight skirt, it’ll be harder for Lily to be able to balance herself well and at the same time, take her shoe off in time to arm herself. So, she’s still screwed.

Then, AnnElle (one of the ladies) suggested to intimidate the dog. Something like putting up her two hands and shout “HUAAARRGGH !”. Like a bear, maybe. And to make it look more realistic, she can add special effects by spraying some saliva deposits while doing the action. This might be effective to scare away those sissy mongrel dogs. But for a dog with mental problem, this could mean an invitation for some steamy intercourse (shit happens…) and the next thing we know, the topic will turn from surviving an attack into practicing bestiality with a cracked dog. So, again, she’s still screwed.

I then presented my brilliant idea – one that will be better than any of the suggestions they made. My reckoning for a perfect solution is to find a way to be able to run fast. The only way is to loose off her skirt (either by ripping it off or take it off on time) and run helter-skelter to the highest object she can find and climb – a tree, lamp-post or a Perodua Kembara. But this has to be done in a really swift manner – just like how we do when we’re sprinting the final 5 meters to our home toilet during emergency.

You see, by loosing that skirt, will have the free play of her legs to actually run again and off she goes. Also, loosing the skirt may even shock the dog into confusion by exposing her disproportioned lower half of her body to the dog. (*note: eheyeah… Lily is still a spinster at 40 over years old for some obvious reasons…) This will actually help to procrastinate the dog’s advances to buy her enough time to save herself from the impending trouble.

Well, she might get upset over losing that expensive skirt in the public and face some degree of embarassment, but hey, that’s still very much better than getting bitten in the ass by some crazy dog, right? Dogs are known to spread diseases like rabies. So, it is a choice between physical pain vs. public embarrassment.

So, to those who likes to wear long and tight skirts, just be very cautious. Emergency situations like this doesn’t come with a warning and the next thing you know, you may be facing the exact scenario above, and you know you’ve got a decision to make – and you have no time to waste.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 

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