Archive for November, 2003

November 4, 2003

horror movie tips

I love horror movies. I have always been an avid fan of zombies, ghosts, mythical creatures and monsters (oh, except for my boss Rob. He’s just despicable). A good horror movie, will always make me think of them whenever I’m alone. It makes me feel… vulnerable, and the after effects would take a long time to heal. Some of the them good ones that I can think of right now are – “Evil Dead”, “The House”, “The Thing”, “From Beyond” and motherfuckest of all horror movie, “The Exorcist”. Of course there are many more good ones, but I can’t remember all of them. But these are amongst the most splendid of the lot.

But then, if you noticed, most of these flicks that I like are actually a little bit old. I have to admit, that despite the advent of computer graphics and improved special effects in modern films, contemporary horror flicks aren’t exciting enough to my liking anymore. I feel that they lacked of the substance. Modern horror flicks tend to focus more on having shitloads of impress-to-kill special effects than real creativity, making them all dull and boring. They have evolved into some kind of family oriented entertainment… all for the money.

Yep. Movie makers nowadays do things for money. And this diminishes their level of creativity. Just imagine, if they put too much gore or scary shit into their movies, they would suffer on the ratings. And if the ratings are not favorable to the general public, the sales will be significantly affected. You get the idea. So, why bother? Just make a film that suits every fucking sissies on the planet and make more money instead. Play safe. Now this, is detrimental to the work of art.

That’s why, I feel compelled to come up with this short list – the key ingredients in a good horror movie. This comes from my years of experience watching shitloads of horror movies (both good and bad) and I hope it will be of some use to someone and even perhaps, will help to revive this waning genre.

A good horror movie should …
1) …have a simple storyline, and revolves around the horror plot. I mean… fuck, if we wanted stories, we would have opted to read novels and story books. Nobody looks forward for a fairy tale in a horror flick. The storyline is not really important in a horror movie. It wouldn’t make a lot of sense to have 70 minutes worth of dialog and flashbacks in a flick, but only leave the remaining 10 – 15 minutes on the horror part. It just don’t work.

2) …not be too modest. Fuck the ratings. Give it some gore. Gore disgusts viewers and makes them sick. This is what they are looking for. This is what they want. People who opted to watch a horror flick will least expect you to spare them some decency and will not mind you for showing them some of the grosses shit your mind can imagine. Show them what you’re capable off. Don’t be a pussy. A good example : A headless undead with a chainsaw… grabs the family dog and mutilates it into minced meat. The youngest kid girl saw the whole thing and makes a panic dash to the nearest exit… but tripped on something and fell. The headless undead then catches up and chainsaws the kid’s limbs off before feasting on her intestines and liver… (I’m good).

3) … be realistic and logical. We horror movie fans are cool people and we do not expect to be treated and bluffed like dorks. Laws of physics and nature applies everywhere on Earth, horror movie scenes are of no exception. Some examples of mistakes: A sane person wouldn’t choose to go out in the dark empty handed to check out an evil moan from outside his house. Heroes can’t jump from a 2 story building and escape unharmed from platoon of blood-thirsty undeads. Zombies and poltergeists won’t take a break when a hero decides to screw a cute chick he happens to meet while bailing out from a haunted mansion. Things like that…

4) … have a good creature / villain design. This is the most important element. A hag with fangs and wig running around biting everyone within her proximity – is not scary. A hollow eyed Kate Moss lookalike with entrails hanging out from her open stomach and foaming black fecal-like goo from her mouth… who could also turn her head 360 degrees perpetually while singing the Sesame Street theme… IS SCARY. I would suggest that each time someone comes up with a new creature / ghost design, try to test it out on your annoying sister-in-law or your despicable neighbors to pilot it… see if it scares them blackout. If yes… then, that’s probably an acceptable design and there’s a higher chance that the viewers might like it.

5) … have a good cast of characters. The viewers would like their horror movie heroes to be someone that can really do their job well. You don’t hire Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet to star in a horror film. It will transform the horror movie into a blooper homevideo. Hire someone cool like Harrison Ford or The Rock. You get idea.

Ok. Like I said, it’s a short list. I can make a longer list if I wanted to … but it’ll be very detailed and technical, right down to the model of chainsaw to be used for the mutilation effects and whatnots – which I think will be too technical to make most filmmaker dullards understand.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
November 3, 2003

my confession

Oh.. I am such a cruel person. I have done so many mean things to animals, that I think the animals probably hate me more than I hate Elton John. I feel so bad about myself now, and I just hope that someday, I will be able to make it back to the animals… gosh…

Here are some of the evil stuff I did to animals in the past… :

1) A dog was sleeping under my car. I ran towards the dog and stomped hard on the ground. The sound jolted the dog up from its sleep and as a result, it knocked its head underneath the small space under the car. I then laughed out loud while pointing at the dog.

2) A dog was chasing my car barking insanely at a quiet residential area. I then did the emergency brake maneuver – as the dog was too close to be able to stop in time, it crashed head first into my bumper. I then laughed out loud pointing at the dog.

3) I was walking in a neighborhood. A large white dog came up to me. The fucking dog stood up on its hind legs and put it’s paw on my chest. It was trying to lick me on the face. When I pushed it away, the dog switched its attention to my balls. I then gave the pervert dog a Bruce Lee kick on its jaw – sent it flying into a nearby drain.

4) I caught some small fishes in a river with my buddies. About 10 – 15 of them. Me and my friends then put those fishes inside a can, then lit a candle under it. As the water temperature slowly rises to near boiling temperature – the fishes got themselves some unexpected hot spring treatment.

5) A male cat was picking up a female cat. Tried to hump the female cat but kept getting rejected. Girl cat wasn’t in the mood. But sex maniac male cat was resorting to rape. When he tried to mount up again, I slingshot a rubber band on its dick and got hit spot on. Cat jumped up in pain and reflexed by scratching my hand with its claws. I got pissed off and gave the cat a kick on its ass, sent it flying a few feet away.

6) A white cat disrupted my studies when I was doing revision for an exam in a night class. My friends and I mischievously drew some graffiti on the white cat – making it the first ever Mardi Gras body painting cat exhibitionist in South East Asia.

7) A cat was walking past cautiously in front of me when I was strolling along in a village. I didn’t like the way the cat looked at me, so tried to scare the cat away by doing my best impersonation of an angry ogre. Cat panicked, and shot itself in lightning speed into a small pathway full of chickens hanging out. Cat crashed on the gang of chickens and landed on the ground several feet across. Saw plenty of feathers flying around but cat was nowhere to be seen.

8) Rob (my boss) asked me if an oscilloscope could point out the root cause of a certain electronic failure on a motherboard. I sarcastically replied him, that if it could, there would be no more FA engineers on planet Earth. I made him look like a fucktard.

(I’m not sure if incident #8 is considered an ‘animal cruelty’. My boss is an undead, so he’s definitely not human. That’s why I decided to include that in… )

I am sorry for everything I did. Please forgive me, my dear animals… I know some of you are reading this blog.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off
November 2, 2003

“White Room” (2002)

It has been some time since I last clubbed. So, yesterday, I planned for a night out with the BODs (Board of Directors, my group of best of buddies) to rekindle our youth-hood.

But our plan had to be scrapped in the last minute when my friend Henry and his girl suddenly fell ill, and requested to go for something lighter. So, we went for a movie instead.

Apparently, Henry’s girl already had something in mind – it was a movie called “White House”. I was like – “What the fuck – White House???”. I certainly have never heard of that title before. Henry’s girl said that it was a new title, a Chinese horror movie that would scare the shit out of us and should be fun. But they were all untrue, as I later learned…

1) The movie is called “White Room”. Not White House.
2) It was not a Chinese movie. It was a Korean movie.
3) It was a horror movie alright, but it did not ‘scare the shit’ out of anyone.

I knew it was a fucking mistake then moment I set my foot into the cinema, as the first thing I noticed was – the movie was in Korean language. Now, think for a bit, why would a movie shown in Malaysia presented in Korean language?? I know there might be some Koreans or people that speaks Korean in Malaysia… but it would not be significant, not enough to even plot a revolt against a whorehouse.

We decided to stay on nevertheless, since we’ve already paid for the ticket, we’d just read the subtitles and see if it’s any good. 10 minutes after the movie started, an abnormally tall guy came in and took a seat right smack dab right in front of me. This guy… being tall for one thing, also sat so upright straight like a human sized dildo, with his big fucking head blocking the entire view of the lower half of the screen, obscuring the subtitles.

(If you don’t already know, our Malaysian cinema seats are not sloped appropriately between the rows to prevent viewing disruptions. If a dude decides to sit like a tin soldier, you’ll have to tilt your head to the side to be able to see the screen or you’ll end up watching his stupid head for the entire length of the movie.)

I was seriously pissed at that time. First, my plan for a good night out failed. Second, we chose to watch the wrong movie. And now third, I have this tall guy with a fucking dick head blocking my view. I was at the verge of having a homicidal rage. At one point, I actually lost my cool and gave a hard kick to the back of that bloke’s seat. The kick was hard enough to jolt the entire row of the seats… but the guy was oblivious about it. A group of teenagers who sat further down the same row however, felt the kick and started to glance over. Probably swearing and shit but, still the guy didn’t give a fuck about anyone. What an inconsiderate moron.

I had to tilt my head to the side and adjust myself multiple times just to get a proper view of the screen. It was a total turn off and that probably killed the mood to watch anything. And that’s probably why I thought the movie sucked. It has to be the worst movie ever. Bad seat, foreign language, bad plot and cheap effects. An utter failure.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off