Archive for November, 2003

November 12, 2003

ambition

When I was a kid, people always asked – “What you want to be when you grow up?”. Well, I was smart. I knew that wasn’t a straight question. It was a question to gauge your psychological being. They have hidden meanings. My mom never asked me that before… but my relatives did. All the time. (Like they cared)

My parents never gave a damn about what I want to be when I grow up. They just hoped that I would finish my high school and stay the fuck out of jail. I grew up in a simple family with not much plans for the future. I can imagine, I could have told my mom that I want to be a rock star, she would not even show any reaction. She would probably say something sarcastic like “Sure. Go ahead be a rock star. Just don’t ask me for money to buy a guitar.”

Anyway, back to the topic – ambition. Whenever I was asked about my ambition, the only thing that always come into my mind would be “I don’t know”. But of course I won’t answer “I don’t know”. It will be stupid to do that. The adults would think I’m a troubled child and probably would send me for a counseling or something. So, I’d always tell them what they wanted to hear – “Oh, I want to be a doctor / lawyer / pilot / engineer” – then get myself a pat on the shoulder and get the fuck out of there. It has always been about what they want to hear, not about what we really want to be when we grow up.

In fact, if you take a look at the question carefully, you’d realize that it is quite a subjective topic. There will be no definitely answer to that. First of all, there is no real definition of “grown up” in this world here. Some of my friends, like Eric, still doesn’t show any sign of growing up even in his 40’s. So, if I decide to party hard and “grow up” later in my life, say about, 70 years old, why would I need a profession or career still? “My ambition is don’t have to do anything. Hope to have less grey hairs and be able to sustain an erection.” – that would have sounded so absurd.

Second, there are no fixed career paths in our dynamic society. 40 years ago, if your ambition was to be an engineer, you’d get oohs and aahs, and people would see you as a bright kid that wants to carve himself a niche in the society. Then come today, the name ‘engineer’ has become so common that even a door-to-door salesman is calling himself a “Sales Engineer”. And these engineers are the ones that go door-to-door to solicit their ill selling products and aggravating people is part of their job scope. You get my point? It’s not a job that was as glamorous and great before.

So, please leave your kids alone. Don’t ask them what they want to be when they grow up. They are not fortune tellers. Just give them the best education you can, and let them decide for themselves – what they NEED to be to get what they want. The world has changed and it’s not the same anymore.

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Rob’s last day II

Yesterday, when the time approaches 4pm, the sky suddenly turned gloomy and dark. So dark that I thought there was an eclipse or something. And then all of the sudden, water started to jet down from the heavy sky. It rained cats and dogs. It was so heavy, that I reckoned that one would be stripped naked if exposed long enough under the rain.

At about 4.30pm, Rob came over to my cubicle to bid me farewell. He started by saying “Alright guys… all the best” and he then stretched out his cold skeletal hand for a handshake. Being a gentleman that I am, I replied while shaking his rotten hand “All the best to you too…”, rather insincerely. Deep inside my heart, I wanted this guy to flop bad and eat dirt. But that had to be veiled to preserve my integrity as a civilized person.

He looked particularly jolly at the final few minutes at the office. Everyone else looked happy too. He went around shaking everyone’s hand to say goodbye, like we all are going to miss him. Little did he know that it was quite the opposite. We’re all hoping that he’d get it all over soon and get the fuck out of there already. What a moron.

He finally left after about a good 25 minutes of drama later. And right after he left, I cited a poem out loud to my colleagues – in mandarin. (I know nuts about Mandarin… and has very little talent in poetry).

The air is so fresh [inhale a long deep breath]
The sun is so bright [looking and pointing out at the storm out there]
I feel like a newborn [looking at the office fluorescent light above]

Alright, it didn’t quite sound like a fucking poem. They didn’t rhyme and sounded damn spastic. But it did elevate some morale there… because I could see heads bobbing up from their respective cubes to check out who was citing a stupid poem in the middle of the office. I was greeted with laughters and cheers from them. But I know they weren’t laughing at my absurd poem. They were actually laughing that their nightmare was finally over and a new dawn has come.

At 5.20pm, I walked out from the office building feeling like a new person. On the way out, my friends shook my hand and congratulated me as if I’ve gotten a promotion. It was an unforgettable experience.

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November 11, 2003

Rob’s last day

Weather – hazy.

Not sure why the weather was so hazy this morning. So bad that I can hardly see beyond 500 meters. Was it due to the massive burning at Indonesia again? Or could some kind of special effect of some spaceships that are going to land on Earth? I don’t know, and I don’t really care either. I only know and cared about one thing today — it was Rob’s last day!

Omg. I have waited for this for so long. That festering undead boss of mine is finally leaving us for good! I will be celebrating this tonight with a grand dinner. Well, the dinner’s not really organized in conjunction of Rob’s departure but… I’d be happy to celebrate for that reason. A celebration of freedom.

So what makes me hate my boss so much? Many reasons, people. I’ll try to summarize them up into a few vital points for you people to understand…

The Look
– He’s an emaciated shit. God he’s so fucking thin that I could break his arms with my bare hands. And yet, he would boast about having a black belt in karate, and being the fittest. Black belt my foot.

– He’s fucking ugly. If it isn’t for the limbs to hint us that he is actually human, one might easily mistaken him for some kind of overgrown mutated parasite that has crept out of a very sick buffalo’s anus. He once tried to pick up our admin girl, asking her out for a date or something… The girl bluntly cut him off and said “You don’t even qualify the smallest fraction of my lowest acceptable requirements”. Like my friend Alvin quoted : “He is a person that only his own biological mother will love.” An eyesore to the public. An organic mistake. A total disaster.

The Brain
– He has an IQ less than 50. Anything less than that, he will not be able to tell the difference between a rock and a dog. There was once he asked me to analyze a piece of cracked LCD display after he deliberately dropped it onto the floor. I had to explain to him the nature of fragile materials vs. gravity — that they will actually break if you drop it from a certain height (eg. drop a wine glass on the floor and it will break). But still, he couldn’t figure it out and kept asking me “Why it broke? Please investigate and give me a report”. I did the report anyway – but it consisted only a couple of short sentences — “LCD panel cracked due to it’s fragile nature. Root cause was due to someone dropping it onto the cold hard floor”. He bought off the report.

– He is slow. Whenever he is in a meeting, he will always ask a lot of incoherent questions. When someone shoots him a sarcastic reply, he will not notice it and nor feel embarrassed about himself. He’s simply, too simple and dumb. A good example would be the mineral water incident. A dimwit he is.

The Demeanor
– He is a sycophant. He likes to jack up his boss’ balls up to the chin and is his pet cocksucker. Shoe polishing is his strongest trait. He doesn’t give a shit if anyone thinks of him lowly… the most important thing for him is to keep his boss happy.

– Rob is a hypocrite. He knows nothing about the thing he does but likes to act as if he’s the smartest person in the company. Example: He once asked me if an oscilloscope could point out the root cause of a product failure (I’ve written about it before). If you do not know how stupid is this, then imagine if a hammer can churn out a suspension bridge. It’s just a tool, you tool.

Alright, I believe that will be enough for anyone to have an inkling on what kind of person Rob is. So I hope this justifies my hatred for him. If you don’t feel the same way like I do already, then it’s too bad for you. You’re probably another asshole like him. A social garbage. A cancer of humanity. A dent on a paint job. A scratch on a CD. Whatever.

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November 10, 2003

more ‘let out’ session

ICQ with Dr. Liew yesterday…

michaelooi 11/9/2003 5:50 PM i wrote something about matrix .

DrLiew 11/9/2003 5:51 PM SPOILER!!!

michaelooi 11/9/2003 5:52 PM no spoiler ler … but just some idea about matrix … trust me

DrLiew 11/9/2003 5:52 PM ok

DrLiew 11/9/2003 6:01 PM I have a better method.

DrLiew 11/9/2003 6:02 PM Install Windows ME operating system in Matrix. Muahahaha.

michaelooi 11/9/2003 6:03 PM i was thinking to appoint tmnet as machine’s ISP … but it would be hard to convince the machines to agree … heheh

DrLiew 11/9/2003 6:04 PM No ler, just plug TMNet’s CEO into Matrix and he will bring down the whole internet/matrix all by himself.

michaelooi 11/9/2003 6:05 PM i don’t think he’s that smart .. doc ….probably the sentinels will get to him before he even can hook up the networking line …too slow … LoL

DrLiew 11/9/2003 6:05 PM lol. slow is good. when sentinels came into TMNet, it will all be slow-motion.

michaelooi 11/9/200 6:06 PM fren … when sentinel comes … it would be reality ler … no more matrix ….

FYI, TMNet is our Malaysian ISP that gives us the service to get online and also to get pissed. Yep, that’s right. Get pissed. Why? Because every time we try to get online or hook up the net, we will get problems like denial of service, slow connections, mail server unavailable or a broken monitor (apeshit kick when user is over-pissed).

When I was in my dial-up years, I had to dial repeatedly for about a few million times before I could get myself a 3 kb/s connection. And even that, I still had to endure the slow transfers and occasional disconnection. Downloading anything that exceeds 100KB would be suicidal. I was left with no choice but to stop paying for the service until it eventually got cut off. I would resort to using other people’s ID to get online, I was really low.

It was only many years later, that our ISP offered the broadband service called ‘Streamyx’, with purportedly more stable connection and of course, faster connection. No shit it was an attractive offer. Thinking that they could have improved over the years, I signed up for an account… and that was a couple months back.

So how did it fare? It was the fucking same man. Still sucked like it was. TMNet is a downright hopeless and probably is one of the most fucked up ISP in the world. We Malaysians may have the highest building in the world, the longest bridge in Asia or perhaps the biggest asshole on planet Earth… but still, our internet connections would not advance beyond the level of medieval.

I can imagine if TMNet were to be the appointed ISP for Zion. Following scenario would have transpired. (If you do not know what is Zion… shame on you. Go find a nearest toilet bowl, put your head into it … and FLUSH).

Neo : I know what I have to do. I need a fucking ship to the machine city …

Captain Niobe : Neo, u can have my ship. I have faith for you.

Neo : T…T.. Thank you. I won’t disappoint Zion.

[Hours later]

Neo : Damn it. Where am I? The GPRS is down again… and I don’t have a clue where I am. Goddamn TMNet. I have to ICQ Morpheus for help [begin to message]. FUCK! I CAN’T EVEN FIRE UP MY ICQ!!!

Trinity : Dear … could it be Captain Niobe’s hardware gone cuckoo? You better confirm that with someone.

Neo : [SMS Morpheus with mobile phone] dude… ur streamyx working ?

Morpheus : [SMS reply with mobile phone] down. cant link to matrix. many ppl stuck. fuck tmnet >:-@. t8ke care.

Neo : Arrrgghh! This is all TMNet’s fault! We’re not gonna make it to the rave party at Zion! AARRGGHHH!
[Ship crashed. Neo croaked. Zion croaked with him]

I sure hope they’d realize about the importance of communication. I wonder when would TMNet quit dicking around and start to do things right… *Sigh*

*Sorry. Still can’t get over Matrix yet.

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November 9, 2003

“The Matrix Revolutions” (2003)

I went to watch The Matrix Revolutions yesterday. Wooooohoo… it was awesome. Particularly enjoyed the battle scene… it was heck of a great battle and effects. Man… there should be more film like this…

Talking about the Matrix, I think the dwellers of Zion could have done better to defeat the machines. I think their leaders are just too plain dumb not to probe every single possible solution to fight the machines… you know. If I were to become their leader, I’m going to do so much better than that, and here are some of what I would do to confront the menace of the machines:

1) Knowing that the machines rely on human body charge as an energy source, I will take advantage of this weakness. I will attempt to kill every single human (or as much as possible) inside the Matrix to reduce their energy capacity and their energy dependency. This might be a cruel way but, looking at the way Neo and Trinity wipe out so many innocent security guards in the lobby fight (The Matrix), I can conclude that they don’t really give a fuck about charity or neighborhood harmony… so… this shouldn’t be hard.

2) EMPs… short for Electro Magnetic Pulses – they proved to be an effective weapon against the machines. Therefore, I will squeeze all the Zion dwellers to focus on manufacturing EMPs full scale. Nothing but only EMPs… as many as possible. Then, I will download an ass load of spies/assassins/suicide bombers to strategically place EMPs at the vital parts in the machine city (they got plugs on their head… it’s easy to train up some stealthy ninjas). Then, I will detonate the EMPs simultaneously and fuck them machines up. Zion might sustain some damages but hey… winning a war is not easy …

3) Smith had evolved into an uncontrollable bitch ass mean program and from Matrix Reloaded/Evolution, we knew the machines are afraid of this bastard. This proves that the Matrix is prone to virus attack as well. Hence, I’ll download more programmers from Zion… and get them to write more viruses like Smith (but specifically coded to be on Zion’s side). In the matter of time, it will take over the entire Matrix and the machines will lose it… and will have no way to control the ‘unfreed’ humans.

4) Abduct the Oracle and duplicate the bitch. Then, I’m gonna modify her source code not to be so bitchy. She should learn how to talk properly and answer questions straight (and to steal her cookies recipe. Her cookies always makes me hungry in the cinema). This way, we’ll have more clone-Oracles to guide Zion intelligence. Note: This method might require plenty of super-good programmers and luck. The Oracle always knew when something is going happen. That bitch might hide herself in somekind of cave networks in Afghan when she knows we’re going to abduct her. And we know it’s not easy to find someone in those caves… somebody tried that and fail miserably.

5) From the movie, we also know that popping the red pills will ‘free’ the humans. Ergo, I’m gonna manufacture fuckloads of red pills… and distribute it across the Matrix like dopes. Easy, stuck one pill inside every free cookie sample (we got Oracle’s cookie recipe in point #4, remember?) in various popular place… say… somewhere like Orchard road in Singapore? Causeway Bay in Hong Kong? Yeah… Lots of people will then wake up and the machines will lose more power. It would be easier to fight the machines.

That’s about it. It’s as simple as that. I don’t even need 3 episodes of movie to finish off the machines. I just need to follow the steps that I mentioned above… and we would already be rave-partying inside Zion… like they always do – without having the need to sacrifice so many lives and properties.

I’m brilliant.

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