Archive for November, 2003

November 15, 2003


I saw a documentary on Discovery today and just learned that a cockroach actually has 2 brains! If you flunked your math, let me shed some lights for you here – that’s 1 brain extra compared to us humans. Amazing… isn’t it? The ‘other’ brain is located at its ass. So… beheading a cockroach will not actually kill it… you will have to behead and ‘be-ass’ that fucker to be able to really kill it.

I didn’t know of anyone who has an extra brain but… I actually know someone with his brain located inside the ass like a cockroach – yes, as you may have guessed it correctly, he’s my ex-boss – Rob. To put it quite simply, my boss Rob is equivalent to a cockroach without a head! He’d be so thrilled to learn about that.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
November 14, 2003

how to be a datuk

Guide on how to be a datuk:

1) Get yourself a cool chick and work on her. This might require some money to start up – eg. buy an ice cream, go for a movie, they all require money.

2) Once you are sure she’s the one for you, ask her to be your girlfriend. Of course, this is a critical step to become a datuk. So, be sure she’s the one for you before you pop the question. A big boner always begins with a simple mistake.

3) Get to know her better. Learn how to like her. And when you think that she’s ready enough to be someone you’d spend your lifetime with, propose to her. Ask her to be your wife. (and get married)

4) Once she is your wife, make yourself a plan. Make your plan a sound one. Do not use condom when having sex.

5) Get her to bear some children for you. To be on the safe zone, get at least 2 – 3 boys or girls. Should be fine.

6) Raise the kids. Feed them milk and food. See them grow. Then educate and groom them well.

7) Once they reach puberty, teach them about the concept of sex and fashion. Then give your kids this guide… and ask them to start at Step 1 above.

8) Sit back and relax. Wait for 10 – 20 years… you will be a datuk when your kid reaches Step 5 of this guide (that you gave him in Step 7).

And who says datuk can be bought?? It requires a lot of time and commitment to be able to qualify as one ….

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | Comments Off

visit to the chiropractor

I went to have my leg massaged by a traditional Chinese chiropractor yesterday. The place was located at a ghetto neighborhood and I was quite uncomfortable with some the dipshit customers there. Amidst the rude stares, I felt like I was not really welcomed there. Or perhaps it was just me – like, it’s the 21st fucking century goddamn it! What the fuck am I doing here in some uncertified self-proclaimed Chinese ‘doctor’ here??

Anyway, it was quite a crowd last night and I had to wait. Since it was in the residence of the doctor, all of us were made to wait in his living room, together with his family. The only thing to do, was to watch some stupid show on the TV… and the Chinese witch doctor’s obnoxious son running around. Mom and Emily were chatting by themselves, and I was all by myself. So I was kinda like switching my attention around – looking at weird people, watching stupid TV and amuse myself watching a kid pulling stunts. I was bored.

Then came this really weird teenage girl. The girl had a really high pitched voice, I could already hear her voice before she even made her appearance. She came barging in like there was something really urgent going on and started to rummage through the living room. It didn’t quite look like an emergency to me because she was giggling while doing it. I wasn’t quite sure what was that all about but, she got my attention alright. She’d rummage for about a few minutes before she finally found what she was looking for – a weighing scale. (WTF???)

As if it’s not bizarre enough, the girl then plopped the scale right in front of the TV (obscuring the view) and weighted herself right in front of everyone. She then gave out an even bigger giggle and remarked “Oh… I gained some weight! I wasn’t that heavy yesterday!” Yeah, must be the grass growing inside her head. I was thinking, FUCK – if she really wanted that much attention, she could have stripped herself naked and take a hike somewhere. It wouldn’t have been looked so fucking desperate.

Anyway, my turn came after waiting for approximately 15minutes. The chiropractor turned out to be a young chap in his early 30’s. I explained to him in detail about my injury and problems. Looking quite confident – he began his work by giving me a series of massage on my left leg. After about 5 minutes, he asked me if I felt any better. When I told him it was all the same, he got upset. Then he tried a different way of doing it… and repeated the same question, and I replied the same thing again — it’s the same. It was as if he’s tuning my like some sort of mechanical device… and asked me if he’d fixed it. FUCK.

But he never could ‘fix’ it. Then he stood up and went across the room and got himself this extension cord. My mom panicked and whispered to me “I think he’s going to electrocute your leg!” and gave me that this really concerned look. She scared me of course, and if such was the case – I would have chosen to peel off instead. But luckily, the power cord was just for a heating machine to heat up my knee join, to assist blood circulation – he said.

I was made to sit there with that heater thing baking over my knee joint while he continued his chiropractic work on other patients. Quite interesting I must say… to be able to see him twist limbs and bones of various kinds of ailments. He seemed to be quite skillful seeing as a third person what he did – but still, unable to solve my knee problem. The heater treatment was a flop. That was when the chiropractor gave up and bade me good luck.

And that was it. The chiropractor couldn’t solve my knee problem. Wasted my time there. FUCK. What is wrong with my knee??? Sigh.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
November 13, 2003

my knee

My knee hurts like hell now. Feels like my arteries are all twisted inside and is really painful. I don’t know what is happening here. Probably an annual reminder of a lesson that I’ve learned in a very painful way.

I got this knee injury about 5 years ago in a game of soccer. I was playing the right wing for in my company’s inter-departmental league. I scored a goal and became too charged up in the game. I became like Attila the Hun, and leveled down the opponents solo… I was a total ass. Then came this one time, I stepped into the big hole when I was dribbling the ball. I miss-stepped, and twisted my leg so badly that I had to be carried out from the field.

Went to the doctor after that and was told that I had a torn ‘something’ (couldn’t exactly remember what was it, I was too distraught pay attention) inside my kneecap. The doctor gave me a very tight elastic knee guard and was asked to wear it for a week. I was asked to abstain from sports during the period, at least until the pain subsides. But it didn’t subside. From that day onwards, I always feel a sharp pain on my knee each time I sprint. I can’t run fast now, and I can’t mess with dogs anymore… for I will be in deep trouble if any dogs were to chase me.

It has been 2 weeks now, the pain doesn’t seem to be going away like it always does. I’m losing plenty of sleep and my performance at work is getting affected by my lack of concentration.

Tonight, my mom’s going to bring me to some kind of Chinese chiropractor to see if he fix my knee up. If it still doesn’t help, I’m gonna have to return to that very doctor that first looked into my injury and see if he could recommend anything (like, amputate the fucking thing – it’s better for me).

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off

get real

When I was inching my way through the heavy traffic home yesterday, I saw a car stalled by the side of the Penang Bridge. The car had a puncture on one of its tires and out came a pretty young thing. She looked kind of distressed and started to wave like mad for help. Although it looked weird to me the way she was waving, but it seemed to be effective. It just took only a few seconds before some guy stopped and came to her rescue.

The girl was sure lucky… thanks to her fair skin and well endowed body. Ever wonder what would happen if she looks like some dehydrated corpse from the Valley of the Kings in Egypt? Is she going to wave until the end of time? Or worse, what if she got the puncture in the middle of the night and there’s no one available to help her out? (and there was no network coverage to call someone from her cellphone?)

None of this would have been an issue if she knows how to change the wheel herself. It’s not really that hard. One just need to jack up the freaking car, turn a few nuts and fit in the spare-wheel. It’s much simpler than those cross-stitching shit that most girls are so good at.

Emily told me that most girls are reluctant to learn how to change the wheels because they are heavy (no… not the girls… the wheel). But I don’t think that’s an acceptable excuse for not wanting to change a wheel themselves. And it’s not logical either. You see, girls are known to be able to lift quite a load. Just look at them hauling back those cargo whenever there’s a sale at a shopping mall somewhere… They can weight up to a few kgs, that’s about the weight of a wheel, if not more. For the record, I’ve seen a petite lady who carried a few grocery bags and her 3-4 year old toddler at the same time (in a shopping mall).

I think the problem lies more in their mentality. Some girls are just too afraid to get in contact with grease. To them, grease are for guys, brutes and beefcakes, like us. Chores with black grimes are better left for somebody else rather than themselves. That’s not right. You can’t expect people to be there for you just because you think you’re too clean for a job like that. (well, unless you have a pair of big boobies and a chiseled physique – but even that, you do get old someday, right?)

Just don’t worry about the grease. Getting dirty is a small sacrifice when compared to the risks of waiting around vulnerably to wait for help from an unknown person.

*Grease is actually good for our skin. I might sound like I’m bullshitting but I am not. Try to wipe your greasy wheel rims with a cloth… you will see gleaming surface beneath as if it has just been polished. Well, it actually does the same thing to your skin too. That’s because they block UV rays, dirts, bacteria and even toxic chemicals, out of your skin. It’s like a layer of protection that locks your skin inside. There are some cases of grease that even cures schizophrenia… because its fume contains stimulating agent that makes you feel more alert and shit… Really.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off