Archive for November, 2003

November 18, 2003

a common fraud

A few days ago, my sister paraded around the house showing off her new haircut…

“That’s a disgusting haircut. You looked like a typical witch version of ah lian” I remarked.

This of course aggravated her, which prompted her to respond,

“You and your poor eyesight. I am better looking than a lot of people. You ought to go for a checkup”.

“If you’re as good looking as you claim to be, then why would you need cosmetics or a fancy haircut to enhance your looks? Or are you trying to mask your ugliness? Just accept the fact already, you’re born ugly.”

My comment immediately sent her back into my mom’s room, in front of the mirror. She would look at herself to check for imperfections (it was everywhere, but she was too blind to spot one…) and attempted to fend for herself on my acerbic comment. But I think deep inside, she knows – that I have revealed an ultimate truth. It was her ego that was fucking with her.

Well… my sister indeed isn’t that bad looking compared to many living organism. Worms, houseflies, proboscis monkeys, to name a few. But revealing the truth and aggravate her at the same time is sure fun.

Anyway, back to the topic. Has anyone actually wondered, why do girls need to wear make up to feel more confident? Why do they need all the fancy hairdo’s to look good? Why do they like to make their face looks different with thick makeovers? Are these implications that they are ashamed of how they really looked like? And they’re masking their face up with makeovers and deception just to be confident? This is so wrong.

Imagine yourself seeing a pair of cool Timberland boots, which you liked very much. After saving enough money to buy it and bring it home, it turns out to be of different color, design and product altogether. In that case, would you feel cheated? You paid for a pair of boots you liked, but it somehow turned out to be something different! So if your girl were to look different without makeup, would you feel like you’ve been cheated? It’s very hard to think that you wouldn’t, dude.

Let’s face it. We are now all living in a world full of deception. Our ancestors used to say – do not believe anything unless you see it with your own pair of eyes. That belief is sure obsoleted now. With science and technology, nothing is impossible. Beautiful things are not natural anymore because the fake is so much better than the original. Fake face, fake teeth, fake tits, fake hairs… you name it.

For me, I will try to be honest here. I would like my girl to be attractive of course (hey,… who doesn’t?). But I would prefer for her to be like that ALL THE TIME. No makeovers to veil her face. No fake eyelashes. No fake titties for me to get excited. No fancy hairdo’s. I want her to be pleasant, just like that. All natural. And I’m glad that I found her.

So, to you guys out there. Good luck. Just a caution – be sure to check how “boots” really look like before bringing them home. Do not make critical decisions based on the first impression. You need to ‘test drive’. You need to clear the deception, and find out about the truth…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off

(more and more) ‘let out’ session

My department is planning to have a team building at the end of December, and I was nominated as part of the committee member to organize the event.

The arrangements include planning of headcount, balancing the budget, duty segregation amongst the committee members, selection of venue, transport arrangements, etc. A whole long list of them. It wasn’t easy. I never knew that planning for a mindless event can be so much pain in the ass.

My duty in the committee was to work out something that would make people wanting to participate in the event. This pretty much includes activity planning and also the lucky draw event. And while doing that, I kinda realized a lot of things about people in general. Sort of like an eye opener for me.

You see, the purpose of a teambuilding program is to educate people about the importance of working together as a team. Or just simply, it’s a program to make assholes realize that he’s not John Rambo. It’s a good thing. So, why the fuck do we need to give them free stuff or organize lucky draws to get them to do something that’s already good for them in the first place? Are they too stupid to realize that this is suppose to be good for them?

I actually quoted this in the meeting : “We people are really screwed up. We need to bribe them to do something good for themselves? That’s really stupid”. My point is, teambuilding is useless if the participants are not committed in the first place. Bribing them with gifts to get them to attend the event — is one perfect example that those people lacked of the commitment to improve. They will not attend the teambuilding event if there aren’t any free lunch or cool looking caps for them to bring home. They only want those free gifts, not the teambuilding. If that’s the case, what’s the point then, to organize the fucking teambuilding? Why don’t we just give the money away to charity instead? It would have served a better purpose.

Before I was nominated to join this committee, I was well known to be a skipper myself. I have skipped basically almost every teambuilding there ever was. Everyone said that proves that I’m a misanthrope. Well… misanthrope my ass. I told my boss (not Rob, it’s Rob’s boss – SaltyFish) the reason I refused to join any of their teambuilding was because of their bullshits. Their programs suck and they are only suitable for retards like them. That was why I got elected as part of the committee – to organize one that doesn’t suck and for normal people. Me and my big mouth.

And now, I have to figure this big problem – how to make a bunch of stupid working adults to learn about the importance of teamwork? I proposed to throw them in an isolated island without anything for a week… but my suggestion was rejected. It is too dangerous and not practical – they said. Well, I guess those bunch of sissies prefer to be Rambo after all. They want their teambuilding to be simple like a primary school sports day event with free lunch. Fuck them.

Kinda sad when you think of it doesn’t it? That I have to work with these people every fucking day.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off
November 17, 2003

kids

I love kids. Oh they are so cute that I can’t resist to pinccccchhhhh them on the face. They are so especially adorable when they shriek out loud, breaking stuffs, poke holes on your paper lamps, etc. And when I need them the most, they will always be here to run around my place and rearrange all my fridge magnets. Aww… how nice.

I have a few kid nephews and nieces. I like them very much. They are the most talented kids I’ve ever seen in my life. They have the savvy and talent to express themselves in the form of natural art, such as fingerprinting and footprinting on my lovely apartment walls. And at times when they want to be more creative, they will not hesitate to use props to aid their expression – such as crayons, pens, pencils, permanent markers and even lick with their own pink colored drools (after eating the ever delicious strawberry flavored ice-cream).

Oh I’m so thrilled to have them around. I guess that’s why I can’t wait to have my own kids. I have seen one of my colleagues, Blackie, having so much fun with his child. He saved a lot of money from purchasing alarm clocks because his little boy would wake him up at his most desired time – just like an alarm clock would, how nice.

Raising a kid is not hard at all, Blackie said. It only takes up about 99% of your time babysitting that lovely child and about 50% of your sleeping hours waking up to stop the natural alarm clock. It’s cheap too. You only need to spend about 1/4 of your salary every 2 weeks on babysitting expenditures… which is still ok… consider the fact that you still have 50% of your salary left for all your bills, home loans, car loans, car maintenance, insurance, taxes, groceries, etc.

I can tell that Blackie is enjoying his used-to-be-mundane life very much now, as he has more things to do now – rather than watching the productivity-impairing TV at home. And he lost about 40% of his weight too – which saved him a lot of money and time as he need not to go to the gymnasium to work his lards out. He’s now naturally slimmer. I mean, what could be better than this? Enjoy and get fit at the same time? Come on!

Some people, they do not like kids at all. Those are mean people. Bad people. They do not know how to appreciate the things nature has to offer – like aromatic puke, grains of sticky rice, colorful ketchups, and all the wonderful things that come with the ever playful kids. You see, even insects love to have kids around (because most kids feed them everyday). I don’t understand why those mean people hate kids so much.

They should learn how to love and admire the beauty of things… let kids brighten up their life or something. They’ve got to get out of the circle … open up their mind, and reach for the lighter side of themselves.

Ahhh… if everyone could think properly like I do… there will be no more happiness suffering.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | Comments Off
November 16, 2003

saturday night out

I was at a club last night with the BODs, and I saw an old friend, Mark. Mark was there alone at the club last night, and he was there to look for easy girls to pickup. We chatted for a while, and then he went off to look for ‘victims’, while I continued to drink with the BODs.

About a good half an hour later, Mark returned and came to me, his hand crutching a girl, but he was looking somewhat disoriented and distracted (he kept looking over the girl’s shoulder). He then did a perfunctory introduction to ‘his’ girl

Mark : “Mike … I want you to meet my friend, Stephanie. Stephanie… this is Michael. A good friend.” **glances over her shoulder**

Girl : “Damn it Mark !! I am Samantha !” **face turns real nasty**

Mark : “Oh… yeah, hahah, Samantha. That’s what I said, right? Meet Michael” **glances over her shoulder again**

Me : “Fuck, Mark. You forgot your chick’s name? You ought to be put to sleep man!”

Mark : “Heheh… not a big deal. Hey, I’m gonna leave her here, now why don’t you guys chat a little cos’ I got something really important to do?”

I then saw Mark bolted off hastily towards another chick, which I presumed was his new target. Obviously, his mind was full of that girl and this Samantha was his canceled project.

Poor Samantha.

I don’t know what was she thinking. Mark was off somewhere and never going to be back, and yet, she still looked content and shit. If it was me, I would have fumed off or at least went to look for Mark to clobber that fucker’s head. But she hung around nevertheless. She even attempted to start a conversation with me by asking stupid questions like “I haven’t seen you around here before, you’re not from Penang?” I was about to tell her that she must have hell of a good memory to be able to remember every faces but, I wasn’t in the mood to talk to her. So I blurted some bullshit that I was away in London for some kind of assignment. And then she said even more things, which I couldn’t hear because of the loud music, and I do not intend to go anywhere near her (because my wife was at the table next to mine)

Even if my wife was not around, I wouldn’t have continued the conversation anyway. She just isn’t my type for many reasons. Mark probably tackled her because she has a fuckable body figure, but her face, is the type that you’d want to cover up when you’re having your meal because if you don’t, it’ll come out from your mouth on your plate along with your gastric juice and stomach lining. Seriously, I was beginning to suspect that Mark actually has a sexual fetish for ghost and goblins.

Anyway, I continued to nod for about a good minute before excusing myself. I didn’t want to be rude so, I just took step after step inch myself away from her… and when the guys started another round of routine toast again… I excused myself by saying I need to get back at my table and bolted off.

Didn’t know what happened to Samantha after that. Mark did came back to check out on our progress, but that Samantha chick was long gone and I made a comment about his taste. His response was just a short comment – “Dude, sometimes, where you’re out of supply and nothing to do – you can’t afford to be choosy…”

I’d rather jack off.

michaelooi  | rompings  | Comments Off
November 15, 2003

durian – the ultimate fruit

I hereby proclaim durian to be the national fruit of Malaysia. Durians not only taste good, but they’re known to be nutritious and all-purpose useful as well. If you are not aware about the facts already, please peruse the following list to enhance your general knowledge…

– They contain a lot of anti-oxidants, fibers and protein. Scientific studies revealed that durian actually can prevent herpes and also is a good agent for body cleansing (shits inside brain, cellulite, etc). Long term consumption can prolong life expectancy and also reduce the risk of dick cancer (for female = beaver cancer).

– Its expired stale smell can be used as an effective weapon to rid of insects, perverts, ugly hags, vagabonds and vermin alike (see example below).

Situation (being mugged) :
Mugger : Alright dude … this is a stickup. Give me your wallet and don’t do anything stupid. I have a gun here…

Dude that with durian breath: Hahah … you made a boo boo mugger. Eat shit and die!! [BURRRRRRPPPP]

Mugger: Arrrggghhhhh !!! … [knocked out cold from the stale durian burp gas]

– Fart gas from consumption of durians can be used as a new source of methane-based burning fuel — which in turn, can be used to replace our already depleting fossil fuel. (thus, more environmentally friendly)

– Thorny shells from durians can be used as an effective self defense weapon and also a cheap solution for American cops as a replacement for spike strips.

The list goes on…

The most wonderful thing about durian is… THEY TASTE VERY GOOD WITH CENDOL! If you haven’t tried it before, just put a dollop of durian flesh into your cendol and add a little pulut (sticky rice) – you will discover the truth of life.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off