My wife Emily, she has a friend who has a big ass. But that’s not something relevant to what I’m about to write here… just a side observation.

Anyway, this friend of her’s? Let’s call her Sweety for convenience’s sake. She is in her late 20’s, tall, slim, long haired, quite decent looking and for some unknown reason, she’s still single. And gosh, she sure is desperate for a boyfriend. So desperate, that she’ll go to the extreme of asking around her friends… if they know any guy who is looking for a girlfriend - “hey, you girls know of any bloke who is single, caring, handsome, rich, loving and yet available? If yes… can introduce him to me?”

And of course, she would get responses like “no girl .. you read too much fairy tales” or “they don’t exist anymore”.

So, being her friend and kind hearted people, Emily and I did her a favor a few years back, we organized for a social gathering event in a karaoke joint with the BODs. (BOD = Board Of Directors, my closest of close buddies). As they were all pretty much single back then, I expected that there would sparks with at least one of them. But the outing turned out to be a total flop, as the event sort of unexpectedly became an alcohol drinking competition between us guys. One of the guys told me in his most drunken state, that Sweety was too domestic, which he unreservedly refer as “highschool student”… and hinted they wanted something wild with plenty excitement and sex. (like, who doesn’t??)

And there was a second attempt. I match made my colleague BigSnake with Sweety, and it didn’t work out as well. Now this colleague of mine, BigSnake, is the type of guy that would simply dig any garbage he sees. He would hook up with anything indiscriminately and so, I thought matchmaking both of them would be a good idea. But the relationship ended after a few dates, and poor Sweety was out searching again. That was when I started to suspect that there must be something about her that repels the guys off. But I wasn’t sure. Until recently.

After the failure with Bigsnake, Sweety met another guy whom she deliriously claimed to be ‘THE ONE’. He allegedly could charm her like a bitch emitting its pheromone that attracts dogs from all over the neighborhood. Only that he’s of the opposite sex and she’s having him all by herself. He purportedly was a gentleman, would accompany her 24/7, humorous and was one in a million.

So, she finally found herself a good guy. Or so it seemed. The relationship started out fine for only a few months, before she discovered that the was beginning to turn into someone she didn’t think he was. The guy started to have his own things to do, have his own buddies to hang out with, was spending less than a few hours with her in a week and probably even farted in front of her. That got Sweety really upset, to realize that her prince charming was in fact nothing more than an average Joe (or a frog). That was when she did something crazy - she began to bombard the guy with nasty SMS’s and eventually, got Joe really pissed off and he finally dumped her.

Sweety came to Emily wailing like a banshee about her misfortune. In between her tears, she iterated that she wanted to have babies before reaching 30 (and that kinda scared the shit out of me a bit) and time is really running out for her. Emily was in dilemma. She’s not a guy and she wasn’t in the best position to give Sweety the best advice. And then it would be awkward for Sweety to express such things in front of me - because this was such a delicate girl-thing.

So the best way that I could help, was to dispense some advice through my proxy, Emily, to her - on tips to understand a typical guy. And since I’m such a great guy by nature, I’m doing this en masse, by making them available in my blog for reference here. I figured, that this probably might be of help for some desperate single girls out there… who knows.
Disclaimer : The list of advices is based on my 26 years experience of being a GUY. If you’re the kind of person that is sensitive over gender related discussions/debates, I would strongly suggest you to stop here, and go somewhere else.

Here they are, the key things to win a man’s heart, in no particular order.

1) Shave your armpit if you intend to wear a sleeveless top.
2) Guys love to see his own girl pretty. So, judge what to wear best and groom yourself well.
3) Guys hate girls that gripe incessantly in a date. Nonsense like what you and your friends talked about on the phone. Try to converse naturally.
4) Try not to get over excited easily. Guys love to see their girls act like a matured woman, not a retarded teenager who snorts basically with any absurd joke she hears.
5) Bad breath is the most destructive element in a relationship. Do something about your breath (as we guys do).
6) Being quiet doesn’t make you a debonair person. Guys prefer an interesting conversation anytime over “sitting around staring at the stars and listening to the wind blows”.
7) If a guy happens to bring you to a restaurant, for heaven’s sake, PLEAASSEE… finish your fucking food. Or at least try to. Guys will not think that you’re a slim and fit bombshell when you don’t fucking eat… but would feel absofuckinglutely annoyed, if you waste his money by not eating.
Try not to act desperate. Guys love challenges. They will know how to work their way up towards winning your heart (that is, if you’re up to their expectation). You don’t feed the tigers, you let them hunt. Same thing. If they don’t hunt you, you’re probably not good enough. Just fuck off.
9) Don’t try to act like you’re very smart, even if you are. The key idea, is not to outsmart the guy even if he is dimwitted. If you like the guy, and you want the relationship to work, let him outsmart you. He’d feel the love. (I reckon this shouldn’t be hard if you’re in love with that dimwit)
10) Shave your armpit if you intend to wear a sleeveless top.

Alright, that should do it. Enough to leave a good impression for a second follow up date.

If you’re offended or pissed with what I’ve just written, I’m sorry… go fuck yourself or something.

Dad once asked me “Son, how do u know if a condom leaked and your life is in peril?”. I was dumbfounded. No, not because the fact that this was asked by my own father, but because I was still quite young in age. How the hell would I know anything about condoms? I was only 15 at that time, questions like that would have been considered absurd to my standard…

So I replied him “How would I know lah??”

He then quipped “I just have this idea… you know… just wear it and apply some medicated oil on the condom. If you feel hot or something, then you’ll know, it’s leaking.” And then he laughed like a retard.

And then for some reason, I laughed along too, and when I managed to recover, I then asked him “What about the girl lah?”

“Who gives a damn about the girl? hahah” And we laughed even harder, like shitheads.

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My mom and dad were arguing about gender importance in a family.

“Old fart … If there weren’t women in this world, there will be no pants for you to wear. You should be grateful that we’re here to sew your damn pants” My mom launched an attack.

“If there were only guys in this world, who needs to wear pants lah?” my dad then cackled like a hyena.

The relationship between me and my father was very unique. We spoke to each other like buddies and there was no barrier between us. Although he did not spend much time with me, but time spent being with him was never at all dull. It was always full of laughter and fun.

Some light moments with my dad…
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My dad’s a fan of martial art. When he was young, he was an active member of JingWu and also an alleged disciple of Muay-Thai (but I’m pretty sure he didn’t master all of them).

There was once he told me that he could break bricks with his bare hands and also perform a 180 deg split with his legs without problem, but I never believed in him. I had asked him to prove those claims many times but he told me that he only could do it when he was younger, and the only existing photograph showing him doing the ’split’ was lost. Yeah right.

Besides that, he also gave me a lot of philosophical advices and insights, something about martial arts and its stupid ‘chi’ thing. Amongst the most absurd of the lot, was the ‘chi’ breathing technique. He told me that the breathing technique was the key element in keeping our body at its optimal state. It goes like this - breathe in deeply, hold and release the air from our lungs slowly and steadily. (that was how I was made to understand). It was stupid alright.

One day (I was 8 at that time), my father insisted me to do the breathing technique or he’d ground me - just because he wanted me to try it out so much. I was left with no choice but to do it - I kinda stood outside of my grandma’s house, and did the breathing exercise at the veranda.

Halfway through, my favorite Ultraman show suddenly came on air (I knew that because the neighbor’s kids were blasting the TV so freaking loud). I immediately stopped the exercise and skedaddled over to my neighbor’s place (it was a coffee shop) and watch the show with the kids.

I would watch the show till it was over, and snuck back home and continued the stupid breathing exercise (my father wasn’t aware that I had been to the neighbor’s place). A short while later, there was this Indian road-sweeper bloke strolling past where I was… and saw me doing the breathing exercise. The guy then snickered, and snidely remarked “Wah …. Ultraman aah? Heheheh”. He then flashed me the Ultraman cross-hand sign that was used to zap the daylights out from monster villains.

It embarrassing. I mean, I wasn’t one of those stupid kids that were so crazy about Ultraman. I was just doing the martial arts breathing technique that was suppose to regulate my ‘chi’. I had never felt so insulted as a kid before.

Unable to contain the humiliation, I then fled the scene and dive back inside the house, and swore on my life to never to do that stupid breathing technique ever again. Fuck ‘chi’. After that day, my father never mentioned anything about breathing exercise to me again - as if he knew about the Ultraman incident.

Last week, before my father went unconscious, I had a few final words with him. I told him that he need not to worry about anything anymore, because we can definitely take care of ourselves and I told him to never wait for us. And he did that a week later.

During the wake, one of my father’s closest friend asked - why are there so few of his friends showing up? Did I contact them about my father’s passing or advertise any obituary in the local newspaper?

I replied him - my father wanted his funeral to be simple and does not want his friends to feel mourn for his passing. The friend nodded. I also told him, my father’s closest friends were all already there for him - when he was down and ill.

But he didn’t tell me how he wanted his funeral to be done. He only told me about a late friend of his - how he had admired him for having everything done so modestly. So, based on his remarks and desire for a modest wake, I arranged for him to have a simple and modest funeral. The way how a real Buddhist would.

But I am glad that he finally left his diseased body for good, and suffered no more. It was our fate to be father and son, and it has been a pleasure to meet him in this life. If there is indeed such thing as afterlife, I definitely would want to meet him again and shake this man’s hand, and then greet him - “Hi again… old friend” and then we’d sit down together to have a really long chat.

My father’s suffering finally ended. He passed away peacefully yesterday (3.55pm Sunday 19 Oct). My blog will be on hiatus for the next few days for his wake and funeral proceedings.