October 24, 2003

relationships

My wife Emily, she has a friend who has a big ass. But that’s not something relevant to what I’m about to write here… just a side observation.

Anyway, this friend of her’s? Let’s call her Sweety for convenience’s sake. She is in her late 20’s, tall, slim, long haired, quite decent looking and for some unknown reason, she’s still single. And gosh, she sure is desperate for a boyfriend. So desperate, that she’ll go to the extreme of asking around her friends… if they know any guy who is looking for a girlfriend – “hey, you girls know of any bloke who is single, caring, handsome, rich, loving and yet available? If yes… can introduce him to me?”

And of course, she would get responses like “no girl .. you read too much fairy tales” or “they don’t exist anymore”.

So, being her friend and kind hearted people, Emily and I did her a favor a few years back, we organized for a social gathering event in a karaoke joint with the BODs. (BOD = Board Of Directors, my closest of close buddies). As they were all pretty much single back then, I expected that there would sparks with at least one of them. But the outing turned out to be a total flop, as the event sort of unexpectedly became an alcohol drinking competition between us guys. One of the guys told me in his most drunken state, that Sweety was too domestic, which he unreservedly refer as “highschool student”… and hinted they wanted something wild with plenty excitement and sex. (like, who doesn’t??)

And there was a second attempt. I match made my colleague BigSnake with Sweety, and it didn’t work out as well. Now this colleague of mine, BigSnake, is the type of guy that would simply dig any garbage he sees. He would hook up with anything indiscriminately and so, I thought matchmaking both of them would be a good idea. But the relationship ended after a few dates, and poor Sweety was out searching again. That was when I started to suspect that there must be something about her that repels the guys off. But I wasn’t sure. Until recently.

After the failure with Bigsnake, Sweety met another guy whom she deliriously claimed to be ‘THE ONE’. He allegedly could charm her like a bitch emitting its pheromone that attracts dogs from all over the neighborhood. Only that he’s of the opposite sex and she’s having him all by herself. He purportedly was a gentleman, would accompany her 24/7, humorous and was one in a million.

So, she finally found herself a good guy. Or so it seemed. The relationship started out fine for only a few months, before she discovered that the was beginning to turn into someone she didn’t think he was. The guy started to have his own things to do, have his own buddies to hang out with, was spending less than a few hours with her in a week and probably even farted in front of her. That got Sweety really upset, to realize that her prince charming was in fact nothing more than an average Joe (or a frog). That was when she did something crazy – she began to bombard the guy with nasty SMS’s and eventually, got Joe really pissed off and he finally dumped her.

Sweety came to Emily wailing like a banshee about her misfortune. In between her tears, she iterated that she wanted to have babies before reaching 30 (and that kinda scared the shit out of me a bit) and time is really running out for her. Emily was in dilemma. She’s not a guy and she wasn’t in the best position to give Sweety the best advice. And then it would be awkward for Sweety to express such things in front of me – because this was such a delicate girl-thing.

So the best way that I could help, was to dispense some advice through my proxy, Emily, to her – on tips to understand a typical guy. And since I’m such a great guy by nature, I’m doing this en masse, by making them available in my blog for reference here. I figured, that this probably might be of help for some desperate single girls out there… who knows.
Disclaimer : The list of advices is based on my 26 years experience of being a GUY. If you’re the kind of person that is sensitive over gender related discussions/debates, I would strongly suggest you to stop here, and go somewhere else.

Here they are, the key things to win a man’s heart, in no particular order.

1) Shave your armpit if you intend to wear a sleeveless top.
2) Guys love to see his own girl pretty. So, judge what to wear best and groom yourself well.
3) Guys hate girls that gripe incessantly in a date. Nonsense like what you and your friends talked about on the phone. Try to converse naturally.
4) Try not to get over excited easily. Guys love to see their girls act like a matured woman, not a retarded teenager who snorts basically with any absurd joke she hears.
5) Bad breath is the most destructive element in a relationship. Do something about your breath (as we guys do).
6) Being quiet doesn’t make you a debonair person. Guys prefer an interesting conversation anytime over “sitting around staring at the stars and listening to the wind blows”.
7) If a guy happens to bring you to a restaurant, for heaven’s sake, PLEAASSEE… finish your fucking food. Or at least try to. Guys will not think that you’re a slim and fit bombshell when you don’t fucking eat… but would feel absofuckinglutely annoyed, if you waste his money by not eating.
8) Try not to act desperate. Guys love challenges. They will know how to work their way up towards winning your heart (that is, if you’re up to their expectation). You don’t feed the tigers, you let them hunt. Same thing. If they don’t hunt you, you’re probably not good enough. Just fuck off.
9) Don’t try to act like you’re very smart, even if you are. The key idea, is not to outsmart the guy even if he is dimwitted. If you like the guy, and you want the relationship to work, let him outsmart you. He’d feel the love. (I reckon this shouldn’t be hard if you’re in love with that dimwit)
10) Shave your armpit if you intend to wear a sleeveless top.

Alright, that should do it. Enough to leave a good impression for a second follow up date.

If you’re offended or pissed with what I’ve just written, I’m sorry… go fuck yourself or something.

michaelooi  | characters  | 

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