Luis has been longing for the Friday special seafood buffet at Evergreen for a long time. Especially his girlfriend, Karen – who could not resist the big tempting oysters that we always talk about. That was why he organized an outing this Friday. The mission = to eat as much oysters and lobsters as possible at the buffet.
We duly appointed Karen as the person in charge to make a reservation (for 8 hungry gluttons). But she faced a challenge while making the reservation: should she opt for a smoking or non-smoking section? She sent out an email for us to vote. Alvin, one of the smokers in our group, responded:
Alvin – Oh yea baby, smoking area definitely ….. no doubt ’bout that…
Henry, a non-smoker:
Henry – This is a very tough question to answer.. for me of course non-smoking lar .. but others i dunno ler…
myself, also a non-smoker, hinted for a non-smoking section of course:
Me – Smokers = alvin, cindy, luis. Non-smokers = me, henry, emily, karen, amber. So, do u still think smoking area is an excellent choice? If yes, go ahead and book it.
Luis justified for the obvious:
Luis – Non-smokers outnumber smokers. Alvin, I think there will be empty space for u to smoke (lobby, toilet, etc). Your consideration is highly appreciated. Non-smoking pls
I quipped further in the growing thread:
Me – Karen, book 1 ‘smoking’ space for alvin .. the rest of us ‘non-smoking’. Alvin, we can watch u smoke across the table ..and if u want to speak to us, call our cellphones
Alvin made his first response:
Alvin – Damn
Followed by another junky reply :
Alvin – hello people. Quit smoking doesn’t mean you will be more considerate. A level headed considerate person is something from the heart, something from the heart is actually you learnt from young, things you learnt from young comes from a decent family. Luis has all those, thus he’s considerate as you guys wanna be. He’s also as considerate as an average considerate person. In fact, he surpasses normal considerate everyday people like you and me … what else could you want ? – alvin
He then quoted an absurd poem (which, I was sure he got it from somewhere) :
i smoke 2 joints in the morning,
i smoke 2 joints at night,
i smoke 2 joints in the afternoon,
it makes me feel alright,
i smoke 2 joints in time of peace,
i smoke 2 joints in time of war,
i smoke 2 joints before i smoke 2 joints,
then i smoke some more…..
I made a counter to his self-absorbing reply:
Me – Alvin, the problem doesn’t lie on being considerate. It’s because, it makes u broke. When you’re broke, u won’t pay for the buffet. When u won’t pay for the buffet, we’re gonna have to pay extra for the reservation. When we have to pay extra, we get upset and piss-off. When we’re pissed-off, we might burn your car. If we burn your car, you won’t have a transport to come out drinking with us. When u can’t come out, we will be short of a member .. and the parties won’t be that happening no more. So, smoking still sux in whatever way.
And the BODs lived happily ever after.
Hence, to all the ciggy chimneys out there, give yourself a big smack on the head and ask yourself – “why the fuck do i smoke ?”. Is it something that makes you look cool? Is it something that makes you healthier? Is it something that fills up your empty stomach? Is it something that helps you solve all your problems and worries? Answer is only ‘No’.
It’s ironic actually. The scientists are working so hard to find a cure for cancer, while governments all over the world are allowing cigarettes to be marketed extensively at the same time. It’s like making a research to find out why your cat gets fat while you are feeding him lards everyday. Morons.
Cigarettes should be banned like how other cancer causing food chemicals are banned. Here’s what people do in my country to discourage dimwits from getting too ‘deep’ into smoking:
- Put health warning messages on cigarette boxes : hoping someone who already paid so much for a box of cigarette will read the stupid message and intimidated by their warnings to stop smoking. [Alvin stomps the cigarette box everytime]
- Ban cigarette commercials on tv but allow ciggy poster ads to be displayed publicly on walls of local “coffee shops” : Hoping that our kids will stay at home watching tv but would not go out to local coffee shops. [Alvin loves having char koay teow at local coffee shops]
- Allowing cigarette brands to sponsor our favorite sports program: To convey a confusing message to the kids that sportsmen don’t use drugs, but smoke cigarettes. [Alvin is a Liverpool fanatic, and he puffs 2 joints everytime they miss an opportunity to score]
and much much more, which I’m too lazy to cover.
Basically, our lungs are like a filter, that filters out foreign particles & traps oxygen at the same time. It then ‘embeds’ the oxygen into our blood cells. Then, the blood cells will carry the oxygen to be distributed to our entire body. Now, puffing a ciggy, is like pouring a bag of filthy water to the filter (our lungs) frequently. And eventually, the filter will all be fucked up and blocked sooner than it should be… and the thing is, you can’t change the filter because it is fucking BUILT IN. Ask your computer retailer what should you do when your BUILT IN display chip breaks down. REPLACE THE WHOLE MOTHERBOARD. So, in this case, the motherboard is yourself. When your filter dies, so are you.
But then, I’m pretty sure smoking has it’s pros too … like repelling certain species of nerds, chicks and vermin with your bad breath. However, it takes a lot more than coincidence & a lot of luck to repel the species that you intend to disappear… because the repelling process will repel those good ones as well. So, smoking still sucks in whatever way. Heed me.