October 7, 2003

fears in life

Yesterday, I spent some time by my dad’s death bed with the rest of my family. It was a sad event. It felt as if everyone was getting together to bid him a final farewell. Dad was very groggy from his advanced stage of illness, but still, he confessed a lot of his worries and his fears to all of us. This was the first time I’ve ever seen him doing that.

I can imagine his feelings right now – when he learns about his impending death. There would be so many bitter regrets and sweet memories to think about. And the sad part of it would definitely be – to learn that he won’t be able to achieve certain objectives in his life. Something like, to know how would his grandchild looks like… or how big our family will grow… how successful his son is, will he ever achieve greater things in life…

He’ll never get to know all that.

He kept staring into blank space, wandering off in deep trance of thoughts whenever I talked to him. It seems like he couldn’t hold enough energy to even put an iota of concentration to listen. I have seen this kind of symptoms before, that was when my grandma was terminally ill a few months back. This definitely was not a good sign.

And for the first time in my life, I spoon-fed my father his meal. I never thought I could be doing this after all these years of so many conflicts between us. For the record, he has never spoon-fed me before. And how I yearned for a fatherly love back then… and it’s definitely not fair for him to check out from this life so early. I have never really known how it felt like to have a complete family… and by looking at his condition like this, I know I never will. Not in this life of mine.

I’m not sure how this thing will all turn out to be in the end for him and me. I’m having insomnia and my migraine is back.

michaelooi  | personal  | 

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