Visited dad yesterday. We had a lengthy chat about our pasts & presents. It was an emotional moment for both of us – there was one point when dad told me, that both of us haven’t been really spending a lot of time chatting like this. I felt bad about it. I had nothing to blame but myself, for spending too much of my time building my career and chasing my dreams. Well, I certainly can’t reverse that back now, nor can I travel back in time to patch things up for both of us. There’s nothing much that I can do, or want to do, other than to convince him to go to this certain place for his treatment and everything will be taken care of from now on…
Archive for July, 2003
You know … it’s really hard to boot yourself back in track when you’ve been derailed from depression. This is exactly what I am trying to do now. I am trying to handle things like how I’m supposed to… I am trying not to be affected too much by the issues that I am encountering now.
My own take on meaning of life:
Why do we study? – so that we can get a steady job/career. Now that we have the job, of course we hope that it’s not some nutty job with puny wage. The understanding applies to all kinds of profession out there, from neurosurgeons to fishmongers.
The money, must be a lot. Now, ask again, why do we need so much money? So that we can use it to feed ourselves good, pay our bills and the ultimate goal – to be wealthy. Now, why is it so cool to be wealthy? Well, with money, we can do a lot of things… like getting ourselves a nice car or an opulent house… or condo …. or chick magnets… whatever. We’d be frigging happy to have a lot of money.
Hah… now that the word comes into view – happy. That means, all the studying, career / profession selection, struggles, etc …. are all for the very same thing – money (well..almost). One thing that ultimately satisfies all our lust & greed, for happiness. Ergo, happiness is actually the fish head (ref: Ishikawa… not Itchy Bawah) of all our needs. The rest are just branches, bones and twigs.
Now, if we can directly jump to the fish head… why do we need to go through so much troubles and waste so much of our time doing so many things for a very simple goal? My point is, why take a long route to find happiness, when they can be found everywhere. If you like that PS2 & you can afford it… go get it! If you like clubbing and you don’t have problem paying for everything that goes with it… go ahead! If you like to slam dunk chocolates into your throat when you’re watching a movie, to hell with dieting… go chow a bar! You will never know what is going to happen tomorrow. I am sure there a lot of people in this world already have this realization and most of them are actually suffering from some incurable disease, and about to die.
Enjoy your life while it lasts, every moment of it.
I realized this when I visited my grandma in Hospice… the environment there makes me think.
Rob didn’t come to work today … so … the day was kind of relaxing … because I don’t have to see his fucking face.
Tomorrow will be my turn to MIA, as I will on my day off to accompany my dad to the hospital again. His leg is not doing very good – he is starting to limp … he is having a hard time to even walk. Don’t know why. Maybe it is his crashed liver. We’re going to the doctor tomorrow to find out. Hopefully, the doctor can do something about it. No one deserves to suffer like that.
But then, I’m not expecting much. Like, how could I expect someone to fix him back… for all the damage he had been giving to himself? It’s quite impossible, really. To be so ignorant for so many years, and then expect things to patch up just like that.
And this has also been so unfair to me. How much problem do I have to fix before i can lead a peaceful life? These family affairs of mine really get me down sometimes. They come wave after wave… no signs of stopping. I guess, when I was born, the stars were all in the wrong orientation (if they’re for real)… and perhaps that explains why I have to bear the misfortune for all my life.
And that’s probably why i don’t believe in God. If they really existed … there wouldn’t have been so much problem in this world in the first place.
It is time like this that makes me really envy those rich kids with happy families. They don’t have to give a shit about how much they’re going to spend their parents’ money. They don’t have to worry too much about their ambition. Nope … they don’t. They don’t have to worry a single thing about the balance of their family’s financial status. They’d just have to worry about how much money to ask for when they want to go bowling or fuel up a big ass car. How I wish I get to do all that.
A bloody hectic morning. The entire Penang bridge was badly jammed – due to several accidents at the end of the way. The congestion was longer than 8 km on that narrow fucking bridge. Damn waste of everyone’s time … damn tired and frustrating.
I don’t know who was the fucking moron that designed the stupid bridge. It was so ridiculously narrow. Everytime when there is an ah beng or any speeding low life bastard gets into an accident, the whole fucking bridge will jam like a prostitute’s cunt. It is simply too impractical for a 2 laner to stretch 14km… goddamn. They should have built something wider …and a separate lane for those ignorant motorcyclists as well … FUCK…
Today Rob called me about my project. Asked this and that … covered a lot of details. Don’t fucking know what he’s up to. Asked him, that shitbag refused to reveal much – except that it was for some ‘justification’ purposes. What? Justification to get himself frigged in the ass?
Nevermind about him. I don’t give a shit if he decides to promote me or sack the shit out of me. I have had enough with that cheap skate skunk.